So I just finished cleaning. Actually, I vacuumed and shampooed the carpets. It wasn't hard at all, but do I like it? Hell no. But it must be done. Would I consider myself domesticated? Yes. I'm chuckling. Why? Cause I'm thinking of the image of the housewife, who to the world, appears absolutely pristine, but in the bedroom, looks like a sex goddess or a dominatrix. LMAO!!! Sorry. Anyway...back to what I'm writing about. What am I writing about? I think I was thinking about what is it men expect when they marry a woman? Do they want an extension of their mothers? Do they want what? What do they want? We grow up being told by our mothers and fathers (sometimes) that we must learn to take care of our own households and we're told we have to know how to cook and make sure our homes are clean. But who tells us how to please our men in the bedroom? I never had THAT conversation with my mom. My mom never told me that I need to make sure my husband needs to be sexually satisfied and this is how I have to do it. Nope, she never did and I wonder, what will I say to my daughter, should I have one. Such a bizarre thought. Imagine me, sitting with my daughter, at some point in her life, maybe right after she gets engaged, telling her what she needs to do make sure her husband is sexually satisfied and what she needs to do to make sure her husband to satisfies her. And also showing her printed material or sites on the internet where she could learn such things (shut up You!) Oy! Times are really changing, but have they changed that much?
Life sucks period. I don't know why I would want to continue it but there's this annoying resiliency within me that won't allow me to give up and I'm grateful, I suppose. There's hope in my heart, to see past the negative and focus on the positive. I'm trying. I focus so much on my failings that I don't see my successes. I've decided to see a therapist. One of my co-workers had success with her therapist so I asked her to give me her therapist's number. I need to unlock whatever it is within me that causing all of this. I want to be whole. I want to be better. Not jagged pieces with no purpose.