Monday, May 2, 2016

I'm getting married.  That's right!  I'm engaged.  The interesting thing is that I've been wanting this for a long time but now that it's here, I don't know what to do.  If left to me, I would go to the courthouse and get married but the the thing is that there are other people involved, namely my family.  So now, that leaves us with planning a wedding and deciding who will be in it.  I'm not really there yet so I'll leave that for now.  What's on my mind is, I'm not the young bride to be anymore.  I'm forty years old, soon to be forty-one, and as excited as I am to begin this new phase of my life, I'm not that excited about the whole planning process.  I've been seeing lots of pictures on Instagram and videos on Youtube of lovely weddings but they're all of young people and nothing starring people mine and my fiance's ages.  And another thing is we want to take our time with the planning process and not feel rushed but people freak out and think we're looking to have a long and drawn out engagement.  You can't win for trying.  

Monday, April 4, 2016

It's been a year.  Almost.  Tomorrow will be a year since I've written anything on this blog.  YIKES!!!!!  I don't know what prompted this return but it just popped into my head.  I first wanted to know if it was still even active, yes it is.  A lot's happened in a year.  I'm in love.  YUP!  I found my soulmate, he found me, we found each other.  We're happy.  I'm happy.  Seriously happy.  There's so much to catch up you up on but for now, it's just good to be back and hopefully I don't disappear again.  Ciao!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

I can't speak for anyone else but I know what I'm after, someone who acknowledges me.  Acknowledges my wants, desires, my dreams, thoughts, everything about me.  I just want someone who sees me and regards me.  I've sought that for as long as I can remember.  I don't know if how our parents reared us really has such an impact in our lives, safe to say it does.  My father wasn't too concerned with a wife and kids and my mom, she took care of us, but she had her own issues she had to deal with.  She lost her mother when she was a teenager, her father couldn't stay faithful to one woman so he married just about every woman he could get his hands on.  My mom had her own demons she had to fight so she didn't have time to lavish any sort of attention toward me.  I wonder in my seeking attention I brought upon myself my abusers.  When they saw me, they saw the vulnerability I displayed and in order to feed their sick need, they gave me what I needed, attention.

I've wanted someone who loved me, in the most inexplicable way.  I wanted someone who loved me more than he loved himself, if humanly possible.  I know I say I want someone to love me but make no mistake, I want to love that person the way they love me.  I want our love to go beyond words, beyond action, beyond time.  I want everyday with this person to be amazing.  Such a thing is possible.  Imagine.  To love someone, someone who is yours and you have day and night to spend together to talk, laugh, enjoy each other, make love and when the day ends and a new day begins, to be able to do such over and over again.  That's exactly what I want.

The thing about wanting something so much is that when you get it, you lose sight of it because you've wanted it for so long.  I hope it makes sense.  I've wanted this amazing human being for so long that when I had him or rather now that I have him, I didn't see him.  He kept telling me and showing me that he was what I'd been asking for and I didn't hear or see him.

What brought all this to light was my son.  My wise ten year old son.  We were driving to Target because I had errands to run and he said to me, out of the blue, that he now understood why my boyfriend loved me so much.  He went on to say that the qualities that my boyfriend saw in me that he too saw and now had an understanding of the love between us.  I was totally taken aback.  In that moment, I realized that this man, this wonderful man that had professed his love for me over and over again and had shown me in ways that I allowed myself to be blind to, was the answer to my long asked prayer.

This man that God has blessed me with is beautiful.  His side profile is that of a god.  The sound of his voice is like melted caramel and when he says my name or calls me baby or other lovely terms of endearment, it feels like a caress.  He's fair but I call him pale.  I'm dark, he's light.  He calls me his chocolate dream, I call him paleface.  lol.  He thinks it's funny. When we lie together, I wonder at the contrast we make as a pair.  One dark, one light.  It's absolutely fascinating.  I'm not going to wax poetic about us but I'm just coming to the realization that God heard me and gave me the man of my dreams.

This man that is my love, God gave me this man when I was fifteen years old.  I met him when I was fifteen and even then he loved me.  I didn't understand then and I don't understand now but he loves me.  I'm learning to appreciate it and him and I hope that I will continue to appreciate him and show him absolute love, absolute loyalty.


Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I believe...

I believe in true love.  I believe it truly exists.  I haven't experienced it yet but I know it does exist.  Just like a child may never have seen Santa but they know in their heart of hearts that he exists, I too believe that true love, though I have never experienced it, does exist.  The Santa example may not make sense but it goes to the heart of belief.  The belief that despite all the negatives, holding on to that one true feeling, allows one to have hope.

I have hope.  I have hope that one day, I too will get to experience that amazing feeling of true love.  Now don't get me wrong, I am a realist at heart but the truth of the matter is that as a realist, the notion of true love, being with the one person who truly understands you, truly knows you, warts and all and loves you in spite of all your flaws is something I have sought my whole life.

I'll be 40 in November and I still have hope that I will meet, marry and have a family, the life I want with the love of my life.

The problem lies in how to find my true love.  I don't even know where to start and I'm not looking to try out any more guys in order to find "him."  I just keep praying that God will make a way.  I trust God implicitly and know that only He can make the connection between myself and my true love possible.

I'm tired of compromising in order to find happiness.  My belief is that once you find your true love, no compromise is necessary because for whatever reason, things just seem to fall into place with this person.  You understand one another, you're symbiotic, it's effortless.

All that being said, I am a realist after all and know that nothing is perfect.  There will be moments of disagreements but with your true love, it all just goes back to being the way it was before.  The break in the flow will not mar the flow.  It will not impede the progression of the life you share.  It's a bump that is dealt with and left behind.  There is no such thing as perfection, I more than anyone know that, but the idea that there is someone out there who sees me as a treasure, as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, that he has spent all this time looking for me, wondering who I am, where I am, how we'll meet, makes me smile and makes the anticipation of us meeting even more amazing.

I know he exists, just like he knows I exist.  It's just a matter of time before we meet.  I'm of the age where I want what I want now, but also have faith and trust in God that His time for our union to take place will happen when it's meant to happen.  

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Monogamy??

Are we really supposed to be with just one person?  Is one person enough?  Can one person really fulfill all our needs?

I ask because I'm with a great guy.  I love him.  He loves me.  But there's something lacking.  I know what it is but I can't fully explain but I'll try.

I've always had in my mind the ideal man for me.  Someone chivalrous, loving, caring, affectionate.  Someone who loves God.  A true partner.  An amazing friend.  An adept lover.  A father to my son and future children.  Someone funny, intelligent, articulate.  Someone who truly values me.  Someone who can't imagine life without me.

That's what I want.  But the man I'm with has someone of those qualities but not all.

I've cheated in the past and only because I loved the person but the relationship wasn't enough so I found what I was lacking elsewhere.  Usually what I'm lacking is sex, intimacy.

It's hard to explain because my boyfriend and I have sex and intimacy but he doesn't make time for me.  I think that's the real kicker.  He doesn't make time for me so I find someone who will make time for me.

In writing this, I'm processing everything and realize that my current beau may not be THE ONE.  I realize one of two things has to happen.  One, we discuss this and figure out how to remedy it or Two, we end our relationship and go our separate ways.  

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I'm still here

I haven't stopped writing. I may not be writing here but I'm constantly composing in my head.  So many thoughts run through my mind on a daily basis.

What I most appreciate about this blog is that it's given my the gift of self-awareness.  It's allowed me to open myself up, examine who I am and see me for who I really am.

I have my moments where I'm the nicest person you'll ever meet and the worst person on the planet.  I make no apologies, I am who I am.

I've seen a lot in my life and have documented a fair share of it but the thing is there is so much more to see and so my writing can't stop.

This was a thought in my head that I had to get down.

I miss this place.  I miss my friends from this place.  This was like Wonderland, going down the rabbit hole and encountering some of the most amazing characters I'd ever had the pleasure and privilege to meet.  I love them still and I miss them deeply.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I do A LOT of self analysis and today I finally figured out why I'm fat.  I'm fat because I'm a binge eater and I binge eat because I'm fairly miserable.  It's not that food brings me comfort, it takes my mind off my unhappiness.  I come across as a fairly optimistic and jovial individual but underneath all that I'm truly miserable.  Not to the point where I'd take my life.  Fuck no.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  But I am miserable enough that I eat to the point of distraction, literally.  I think about food so I don't really focus on the fact that my life isn't what I want it to be.  It isn't where I want it to be.  I dream about food, what I'll eat, how I'll eat it, how I'll make it or where I'll buy it, so that I don't focus on me.  

(Mind blown)