Sunday, May 24, 2009
Back again
When I first started this blog, I did so with the intent of voicing my random thoughts, no pun intended, or maybe pun intended. This was and is my escape hatch from life, a place to come and vent and air out my thoughts. I've been gone for a considerably long time and alot has happened, more on that later. I'm just glad to be back. There's something tobe said about absence, it does make one's heart grow fonder. I've thought about deleting this blog and just being done with it, but I guess in the back of my mind, I knew I'd be back. Again, glad I'm back. This blog has truly been cathartic for me and I hope it continues to be so.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Preparation
Before I begin, I'd like to dedicate this post to SimiSpeaks. She is and has been my biggest cheerleader. She's always on my ass about keeping on top of my blog and I appreciate her for that.
The idea for this post came from me waking up early one morning, at around five a.m. and going downstairs, trying to find something to watch on t.v. I channel surfed for a while and landed on Joel Osteen's sermon. The man is genius, I couldn't change the channel.
He said something that finally made sense to me today. He said that all we go through, the trials, tribulations, are there to get us ready. Stay with me, you'll get it in a minute, took me about two days to get it.
He talked of he and his wife being sued by the new owners of the home they had sold. The suit lasted for six long months and Osteen was beside himself with fear and anxiety. Ultimately the suit was thrown out and he and his wife moved on. Three years later, he was being sued again, but he said that he wasn't nervous at all because he knew he could overcome it. And that's what brings me back to this post.
I understand now that the turmoils I went through was to get me ready for the real shit that will hit the fan, so to speak, so that I don't wilt under the pressure.
This life never ceases to amaze me at how it works. God knows what He's doing. We should leave Him alone and let Him do His thing.
The idea for this post came from me waking up early one morning, at around five a.m. and going downstairs, trying to find something to watch on t.v. I channel surfed for a while and landed on Joel Osteen's sermon. The man is genius, I couldn't change the channel.
He said something that finally made sense to me today. He said that all we go through, the trials, tribulations, are there to get us ready. Stay with me, you'll get it in a minute, took me about two days to get it.
He talked of he and his wife being sued by the new owners of the home they had sold. The suit lasted for six long months and Osteen was beside himself with fear and anxiety. Ultimately the suit was thrown out and he and his wife moved on. Three years later, he was being sued again, but he said that he wasn't nervous at all because he knew he could overcome it. And that's what brings me back to this post.
I understand now that the turmoils I went through was to get me ready for the real shit that will hit the fan, so to speak, so that I don't wilt under the pressure.
This life never ceases to amaze me at how it works. God knows what He's doing. We should leave Him alone and let Him do His thing.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I wanted to make it a point to have a post for today, being the first of the month. I wanted to make a mark on today. The thought for this post came to me as I was on facebook and I was looking at pictures from friends' pages and it hit me: regret.
My life is not what I pictured it. It is not in the vicinity of where I thought I'd be or who I'd be. Regret is something I know of too well. In my case, hindsight seems to be the only form of vision I have. Granted, there's no way to turn back time, because trust me, I've tried, but I'm starting to accept that I have to choose my steps carefully and with my newly awakened state, I think I can now have foresight instead of only hindsight.
I think back to my earliest memory, I believe I can remember as far back as being almost two, when my sister was born, and wonder where it all went wrong? Where did I make the wrong turn at the crossroads that led me to the life I'm living now? I know that many would say that the life one lives is the life we're meant to live but I differ on that completely. I think that God has our lives all mapped out the way He wants it to go but when we take that wrong step, He helps us make the best of the life we've chosen.
Thinking about the past, there are certainly many places I would go back to and change the direction I chose. What really got me to think more about this is a book I'd read years ago about going back to a certain time in one's life, for two weeks, and being able to alter your life by making a decision that, due to hindsight, you're able to make and having the option, once the two weeks were up, to either remember everything, thus having two memories of your old life and new, or forgetting the old life entirely. If given the option, I'd certainly remember the old life and the new.
How I wish that were possible.
The only thing that would keep me from changing things is my son. He is the only light in this dark world. He is the reason why I look forward to everyday. He is the greatest gift I've ever received.
If there was only a way to have him, without ever having to have to meet his father, I would do it in a heartbeat, but alas, that's not possible, unless...
My life is not what I pictured it. It is not in the vicinity of where I thought I'd be or who I'd be. Regret is something I know of too well. In my case, hindsight seems to be the only form of vision I have. Granted, there's no way to turn back time, because trust me, I've tried, but I'm starting to accept that I have to choose my steps carefully and with my newly awakened state, I think I can now have foresight instead of only hindsight.
I think back to my earliest memory, I believe I can remember as far back as being almost two, when my sister was born, and wonder where it all went wrong? Where did I make the wrong turn at the crossroads that led me to the life I'm living now? I know that many would say that the life one lives is the life we're meant to live but I differ on that completely. I think that God has our lives all mapped out the way He wants it to go but when we take that wrong step, He helps us make the best of the life we've chosen.
Thinking about the past, there are certainly many places I would go back to and change the direction I chose. What really got me to think more about this is a book I'd read years ago about going back to a certain time in one's life, for two weeks, and being able to alter your life by making a decision that, due to hindsight, you're able to make and having the option, once the two weeks were up, to either remember everything, thus having two memories of your old life and new, or forgetting the old life entirely. If given the option, I'd certainly remember the old life and the new.
How I wish that were possible.
The only thing that would keep me from changing things is my son. He is the only light in this dark world. He is the reason why I look forward to everyday. He is the greatest gift I've ever received.
If there was only a way to have him, without ever having to have to meet his father, I would do it in a heartbeat, but alas, that's not possible, unless...
Sunday, August 31, 2008
True love
The concept of loving one's self is something we all know, true? But the question begs, how many of us REALLY do it???? When you love yourself, truly cherish yourself, do you do things to yourself that aren't good for yourself? I ask this because I've been on a journey of self discovery. My eyes have been open to the fact that I haven't loved my self as much as I should have. I haven't treated my self with the respect that my self deserves. I've, more or less, shortchanged my self.
I've always known what I wanted out of life, but I haven't allowed my self to get them. I've, in some way or another, stymied my self from getting the gold and I couldn't understand why? It may have been fear, it may have been doubt, it couldn've been a multitude of things but the point is, I disillusioned my self from getting what my self deserved. When I came to the realization, I was shocked. Shocked I tell you because I thought all this time that I loved my self when infact, I was not allowing my self to reach its full potential.
Another example, men. I've always known what my heart desired in a mate. My self always had standards, but me, not listening to my self, just wanted to be with who I thought sh0wed us love when infact, they didn't give a rat's ass about us. And the f'ed up thing about it is that my self knew it, but I was blind to it. It took my last relationship to finally help me wise up.
In a nutshell, do we really love ourselves? By loving ourselves, we don't make compromises that won't benefit us. By loving ourselves, we won't make decisions that are good for others but shortchange our selves. By loving ourselves, we put our selves first, above anyone else, no matter who they are. By loving ourselves, we listen to what our selves are telling us and comply because who knows us better than our selves.
I've always known what I wanted out of life, but I haven't allowed my self to get them. I've, in some way or another, stymied my self from getting the gold and I couldn't understand why? It may have been fear, it may have been doubt, it couldn've been a multitude of things but the point is, I disillusioned my self from getting what my self deserved. When I came to the realization, I was shocked. Shocked I tell you because I thought all this time that I loved my self when infact, I was not allowing my self to reach its full potential.
Another example, men. I've always known what my heart desired in a mate. My self always had standards, but me, not listening to my self, just wanted to be with who I thought sh0wed us love when infact, they didn't give a rat's ass about us. And the f'ed up thing about it is that my self knew it, but I was blind to it. It took my last relationship to finally help me wise up.
In a nutshell, do we really love ourselves? By loving ourselves, we don't make compromises that won't benefit us. By loving ourselves, we won't make decisions that are good for others but shortchange our selves. By loving ourselves, we put our selves first, above anyone else, no matter who they are. By loving ourselves, we listen to what our selves are telling us and comply because who knows us better than our selves.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
El Fin (The End)
I broke up with my boyfriend on July 31st at around seven fifteen in the morning. We started dating on March 31st. Four months and it's over. This was the man I thought I'd be spending my life with but alas, it's not to be. I'm sure I'll find the silver lining in all this and who's to say we won't reconnect but for right now, this is the best decision that could've been made. I mourn the loss of this relationship because unlike past relationships, this felt RIGHT. I'll always love him. I'll continue to think of him. I wish him nothing but love, peace and happiness. And most importantly, I wish the same for myself.
Monday, July 28, 2008
The pain of silence
The old adage, forgive and forget, I wonder sometimes if it's a concept that truly exists. I'm venting on behalf of a beloved friend who I pray will have the peace she prays for.
Here's the scenario:
My friend Beth (I don't think she'll mind me telling her name) is an amazing woman, fearless in fact. I love her. She's like a second sister to me. I've known her for a while but really got to know her a couple years ago. Hers has not been an easy life, but she's a survivor and has never given up although there were times when she wanted to cave in, but I think through her faith in God and shear will, she has persevered.
Beth hasn't followed the normal route as far as life is concerned, i.e. going straight to college after high school, getting married before having a kid. She's always followed the beat of her own drum, to the consternation of her family.
The crux of the matter is: Beth is thirty-two years old, has a child and has never gone to college. She has nothing but scholars in her family and they unfortunately look down on her. Especially her younger sister who went to Law School, graduated top of her class and is in the process of taking her bar exam. Beth noticed changes in her sister but thought nothing of it, she noticed silent treatments from sister but thought maybe it was just the stress of the exams. But she noticed something weird, she laughed and joked with her younger brother, but out right ignored Beth. She couldn't understand it. She asked her sister what the matter was and she said that nothing was the matter. But again, her sister gave her the silent treatment. She's at a loss because she and her sister are close.
As her friend, I'm mad at her sister for treating her so badly but I couldn't bring myself to tell her why I felt her sister was giving her the silent treatment.
My theory is that Beth's sister, who used to idolize her, now sees her as a failure. She sees her as not accomplishing anything as it bothers her but she doesn't know how to deal with it so she ignores her. Beth hurts and was near tears when she told me. What can I do? Do I tell her my thoughts, which may or may not be correct or just continue to be there for her?
Here's the scenario:
My friend Beth (I don't think she'll mind me telling her name) is an amazing woman, fearless in fact. I love her. She's like a second sister to me. I've known her for a while but really got to know her a couple years ago. Hers has not been an easy life, but she's a survivor and has never given up although there were times when she wanted to cave in, but I think through her faith in God and shear will, she has persevered.
Beth hasn't followed the normal route as far as life is concerned, i.e. going straight to college after high school, getting married before having a kid. She's always followed the beat of her own drum, to the consternation of her family.
The crux of the matter is: Beth is thirty-two years old, has a child and has never gone to college. She has nothing but scholars in her family and they unfortunately look down on her. Especially her younger sister who went to Law School, graduated top of her class and is in the process of taking her bar exam. Beth noticed changes in her sister but thought nothing of it, she noticed silent treatments from sister but thought maybe it was just the stress of the exams. But she noticed something weird, she laughed and joked with her younger brother, but out right ignored Beth. She couldn't understand it. She asked her sister what the matter was and she said that nothing was the matter. But again, her sister gave her the silent treatment. She's at a loss because she and her sister are close.
As her friend, I'm mad at her sister for treating her so badly but I couldn't bring myself to tell her why I felt her sister was giving her the silent treatment.
My theory is that Beth's sister, who used to idolize her, now sees her as a failure. She sees her as not accomplishing anything as it bothers her but she doesn't know how to deal with it so she ignores her. Beth hurts and was near tears when she told me. What can I do? Do I tell her my thoughts, which may or may not be correct or just continue to be there for her?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Heart strings
My boyfriend has this theory that each of us has thousands and thousands of heart strings and they get broken now and again for different reasons. He says, some are to be expected whether it be through disappointment or things of that nature, unintentional snapping of the strings. Those are not fatal and will not hurt you too much. But, there are those things, situations, events, occurrences that when they break your heart strings, depending on how many strings are broken, can hurt and take a while to recover.
Our conversation about said heart strings revolved around a male/female relationship (i.e. marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend). He stated that the person that you're with will break some heart strings, unintentionally. But, when they intentionally break your heart strings, they have a certain number of chances before you cut them loose.
That brings me FINALLY to the intention of this blog and it's a question, but first, let me prepare the scenario: My love and I were having a discussion and I didn't like how it turned out so I pouted and sulked. When we parted, I refused to kiss him or tell him I loved him. I just wanted to be left alone to bathe in my sadness. I wanted to feel it all in my toes and squirm in it. I drove off and thought about why I was so upset. In the past, I wouldn't care about the other person's feelings, only mine mattered. But in this relationship, it's different. I wondered if my being upset was justified and really thought about what made me upset. Through rationalizing the whole thing, I knew that I had taken things a bit too far. I called him, even before I got home, to apologize. He wasn't upset, he was too calm, which prompted me to ask him what was up. He told me that his deal is that when one partner is upset, the other has to be calm. You can't have two people upset, you get no where. Makes sense. Note: Need to work on that and remember that.
I felt so guilty because I don't know how many heart strings I broke. Although he was calm, he was hurt. He's human, of course he'd be hurt, who wouldn't be? So now, I'm racked with guilt because I hurt this man, whom I love more than even I realize, and I want to make a change. So, back to the question: The aforementioned behaviour, is it normal? Is it a woman thing, human thing or Nigerian thing?
I don't' know, but, what I DO know is that I don't like. It's a waste of time and energy. I could've been canoodling with my baby but instead, I went home, alone. Another lesson learned. I guess I'll be kept in check because I now know that heart strings are at stake and I don't want to break any more of his.
Our conversation about said heart strings revolved around a male/female relationship (i.e. marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend). He stated that the person that you're with will break some heart strings, unintentionally. But, when they intentionally break your heart strings, they have a certain number of chances before you cut them loose.
That brings me FINALLY to the intention of this blog and it's a question, but first, let me prepare the scenario: My love and I were having a discussion and I didn't like how it turned out so I pouted and sulked. When we parted, I refused to kiss him or tell him I loved him. I just wanted to be left alone to bathe in my sadness. I wanted to feel it all in my toes and squirm in it. I drove off and thought about why I was so upset. In the past, I wouldn't care about the other person's feelings, only mine mattered. But in this relationship, it's different. I wondered if my being upset was justified and really thought about what made me upset. Through rationalizing the whole thing, I knew that I had taken things a bit too far. I called him, even before I got home, to apologize. He wasn't upset, he was too calm, which prompted me to ask him what was up. He told me that his deal is that when one partner is upset, the other has to be calm. You can't have two people upset, you get no where. Makes sense. Note: Need to work on that and remember that.
I felt so guilty because I don't know how many heart strings I broke. Although he was calm, he was hurt. He's human, of course he'd be hurt, who wouldn't be? So now, I'm racked with guilt because I hurt this man, whom I love more than even I realize, and I want to make a change. So, back to the question: The aforementioned behaviour, is it normal? Is it a woman thing, human thing or Nigerian thing?
I don't' know, but, what I DO know is that I don't like. It's a waste of time and energy. I could've been canoodling with my baby but instead, I went home, alone. Another lesson learned. I guess I'll be kept in check because I now know that heart strings are at stake and I don't want to break any more of his.
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