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Showing posts from 2011

Sabotage

I'm very happy to say that this past week was a good week, weight wise.  I've had such a struggle with my weight for a long time.  It was at the point where I thought that I could never get a handle on it and I was not looking forward to seeing each new day.  Now, don't go thinking I was on the verge of suicide or anything, but just having to deal with my struggle with food was not a pleasurable experience.  I was desperate one day and was in search of something, anything, that magic formula that would help me get a handle on my addiction to food and finally put me on the road to weight loss.  I came across this concept called Eat Stop Eat.  Essentially, you eat one day, fast for 24 hrs, then eat and you can fast as much as once a week or every other day.  I tried it, lost a considerable amount of weight but I felt deprived and went nuts with food, gaining all the weight I'd lost plus more.  So one day, I googled Over Eaters anonymous and was trying to find a place to …

putting myself in the crosshairs

I revealed to my mom yesterday that her boyfriend has touched me inappropriately by grabbing my ass and has said inappropriate things to me.  She told me that she's been wanting something, leverage I guess, to finally leave him.  She believes me, which is good, but wants to set a trap for him, to give her that extra push to leave him.  Now, I've avoided this man at all costs, even staying in my room all day, especially when he's around and planning my escape routes should he come into the same room I'm in.  My mom wants me to go about my usual routine and that if he does it again, tell him that he should stop and that I'll make her aware of it, and she'll take it from there.  When I spoke w/ my sister and told her my mom's plan, she totally agreed w/ my mom, saying it was the logical thing to do.

I greatly disagree!


I feel violated by this man and to ask me to put myself in a situation and allow him to touch me again, just so you can have the guts to leave h…

Hollow

That is exactly how I feel when I have a casual encounter.  At the time, my body yearns for it, but afterwards, when I'm walking back to my car to get home or to my various destinations, I realized that for the moment, it satisfied my carnal desire but left me wanting for a more substantial situation.

I haven't wanted a real relationship in so long, so imagine my surprise that I long for it.  I'm looking for love, looking for companionship, looking for not just a temporary situation, but a relationship.

It's taken me close to six years to be at the point where I want to have someone around on  a daily basis, someone I can trust w/ all my good and bad and not worry that this person is going to expose me to the world.  My ex husband did that.  All the good and bad, mainly bad, about me, he broadcast to the world and let them know who I am, in my most private space.

After the end of my relationship w/ Munchkin's dad, I found it really hard to trust any man.  I had b…

It's just sex

I get it now, when a man, who is either in a committed relationship or married, has sex w/ another woman and says that it's just sex.  I get it now.  I'm watching the story of Jacqueline Kennedy, in her own words, and there's a scene where President Kennedy removes a stray hair from her face, I see such tenderness in that display and see that he loves her so much, but he was a man and had needs.  I get it now.  It doesn't mean I like it or would ever condone it, but I get it.
When it boils down to it, all I want is a nice guy.  He may be rich, poor, preferably employed, but still a nice guy.  Someone kind, takes my feelings into consideration.  Working for a dating service, I talk to people everyday and find out what they're looking for and it makes me wonder what I want from someone.  I'm now getting to know someone and he seems very nice.  From the get go, he was nice and continues to be nice and it doesn't hurt that he's very attractive as well.  Mind you, I've had my share of situations and in the end, I look for kindness.  Kindness, sense of humor, understanding.  you have that, you're on the right track.
I read this quote from Maya Angelou, where she said, I'm just paraphrasing, to be ready to receive whatever it is you've asked for.  Ain't that the truth!  I've asked God for understanding, wisdom, insight and boy! did I get it.  I envy those who instinctively understand the goings on of life and can freely navigate and not fall into the different pits that lay before us.  Sadly, that is not the case with me.  I'm one of those that has to fall into just about every pit and figure out how to get myself out and not only do I have to dig my way out, figure out how NOT to fall into the next one.  My theory is that those who KNOW have been here before.  They've lives so many different lives that they get it.  They've traversed all the minefields and now know when to step over them, in order to avoid getting blown up.  I am grateful to God that I'm not going through this alone.  He is with me and in the end, I'll have everything figured out.

Do we ever stop learning?

We are constantly evolving, as individuals, so I presume that means that we never stop learning.  We have our victories, sure, but we too have our failures and I believe that these failures allow us to learn and be better.  When we are on a path and we either lose our way or trip and fall, we have to be adjusted.

I guess the reason for this, whatever it can be called, is because I fell.  I was on the right path, on my way to my destiny, but at my first test after my transformation, I failed and failed miserably.  But I have learned that I must take from this failure the lesson I'm supposed to learn.  I feel this failure is to show me that I have to be on guard at all times, be aware of what's going on, spiritually and physically.  I cannot presume to know everything, for I would be a fool.  Although I feel like a fool at the moment, but it's this moment where I have to make the decision to either stay down or get back up, dust myself off and continue on my journey.  Yes, …
I HATE DRAMA!  So, why am I embroiled in it?  at work, of all places?  I have "beef" with my manager.  Can you imagine?  Truth be told, I'm indifferent towards her.  If she were to drop somewhere, I'd walk over her and be on my merry way.  She is not a human being.  She's callous, cold, selfish, lacks any esteem.  She's a sad human being.  Working with this woman is the epitome of being in purgatory.

Funny how this place is where I seek a place to vent, rant, get rid of all that bugs me to no end.

I miss my peeps, being involved in their dailies by reading their blogs daily.  I feel disconnected from them somehow.  Like any relationship, if one invests in it, then the other party reciprocates.  Life is very interesting in that no matter how old you get, you're a perpetual student.

God is good in that He allows me the privilege of learning and growing.

Thank you God.
As requested by Musco, I have to update.

I did plan to update w/ my various observations, but just haven't found the time, but now I do, so here goes.

I've undergone a metamorphosis.  I've been changed, in the spiritual sense.  I have found God.  Now granted, I've always had God, but now, I've found Him and He's found me.  And through this metamorphosis, I've found my mother.  I'd always prayed to God to help me have a better relationship with my mom and he's answered my prayer.  Through Him, I've found the mother I'd always wanted.  She's absolutely amazing, wise, intelligent, beautiful, loving and so supportive.

In the last blog I wrote, I wrote about forgiveness.  I've learned to let go and let God, literally.  God is truly good  in how He works.  He may not come when we expect, but he's always on time.  I'm so grateful.  That's the emotion I'm experiencing now, gratefulness.

An act of forgiveness

Forgiveness.  Such an easy word to say, but a hard act to perform.  I take that back.  There are levels of forgiveness that are easy to perform, but there are some that are too difficult.  I was contemplating my life the other night/morning and remembered an event that occurred in my life when I was 3 or 4, a life altering, devastating event that has affected my life to this moment.  This event shattered the bond of a mother and daughter, causing us to never connect the way we should.  I was molested when I was 3 or 4 and my mother walked in on the act.  The man in question sat me on a table in the boys quarters and began to fondle me.  My mom walked in on him when he was doing this.  She obviously dealt with him, but the part that surprised me the most was that she beat me and said I went looking for it.  She blamed me.  I've never been close to my mother since that day and she's never been close to me either.  Or maybe she's tried and I just haven't let it happen.  I…

Getting ready for a change

On my way to church this morning, I was listening to the KJLH, like I normally do.  On Sundays, it's church radio, a departure from it's usual rotation of R&B.  I was listening to a particular sermon, where the preacher was using the passage in Genesis, where Jacob wrestled the Angel of God and his name was changed and he himself was transformed and what I surmised from what the preacher said, was that each of us receive regular blessing, whether we're good or bad.  BUT, when God has BIG BLESSINGS that He wants to give us, we need to be transformed.  We have to be changed.  I too am going through a transformation, getting ready for all that God is going to do in my life.  Are you getting ready for the BIG BLESSING?  Are you going through your transformation?  Think about it.  Each of us, on some level, are being transformed more and more into the likeness of God.  Isn't that why He created us in the first place?  It's just that with sin, we get farther and fart…
I have all these ideas in my head.  I have so many that I've now been reduced to writing them down on pieces of paper, so that I don't lose that train of thought, so that I can post it, which I don't.  Go figure.  I'm going to write, just dealing w/ stuff.  I know, I know, who doesn't have stuff to deal w/?  But my stuff I'm dealing w/ is extra special stuff (seriously hope someone bought that).  I'll be back, I guess when my head is in the game.
FUCK LOVE.  FUCK RELATIONSHIPS.
Happy New Year to you all!

Saturday night, my sister, cousin and I went out, sort of a girls' night out.  We had dinner and saw The Tourist (love that movie).  During dinner, I was lamenting a lost love, the only man I'd ever loved, only time I'd been in love and my sister asked me why I was regretting the lose of that love, like I wasn't going to get it back so why regret it.  I explained to her that I know that I would never get it back, but letting him go was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  The conversation carried on and my sister was telling our cousin how she'd always known me to be like a dude in a female's body, in that once I let a guy go, that was the end of it.  She said that was one of the things she admired about me.  As she was saying this, I was wondering where that person went?  I was wondering when and where I had lost that person.  Back then, I was fearless and was in control of my love destiny.  I knew what I wanted, refused to settl…