Showing posts from 2012
Apparently, it's possible to be completely oblivious to one's short comings.  I was on the phone w/ my baby brother and he schooled me big time.  To the rest of my family (mother, sister, him, maybe even my other brother) I'm totally immature, completely self-involved and lack any sort of motivation.  He said I was a freeloader in my mother's house and I don't contribute in anyway.

It's a bitter pill to swallow.

I've always felt apart from everybody, like I was put into a family that I just didn't belong to.  If we didn't look alike, I'd think that I was adopted or something.

I'm in self-reflective mode right now.  I agree with some of what he said, not with others, but again, he gave me his perspective from the view of an outsider and I believe it was an objective view.

I feel like an idiot.  After the conversation, I sat back in my car and asked God why he made me the eldest if I am this way?  I look at other people that are the eldes…


I must have something written on my forehead or on my person somewhere that says that I am an easy target.  I must be so fucking stupid as well.  After prayer group, I went to the grocery store to get some chicken because I was craving chicken, baked chicken, so I got two whole chickens to bake them.  As I was walking to my car, I opened the door and accidentally hit this guy w/ my car door.  I apologized and he said he was fine and went on to tell me that I had gum on my skirt.  I thought that was odd because I didn't sit anywhere gum would be.  He helped me take the gum off.  At some point, it dawned on me that he was touching my ass under my skirt.  I told him I was fine, that he could leave me alone and I proceeded to take the rest of the gum from my skirt.

As I was driving away, it finally dawned on me that there was no gum on my skirt, that he put the gum there in order to touch me, mainly, my ass.

I felt so violated, so angry and so stupid.

I am so down right now because e…
Just got off the phone with Oscar and I was reminded, gladly, how not into me this man is.  It's funny how I never saw this.  I'm sure it was always there, but because I was so into him, I assumed he was equally into me.  The same with Alex.  My birthday was on the 8th and he didn't remember my birthday.  So on the 11th, I called Alex and said that I was now officially 37yrs old and he wished me a happy belated birthday.  I called him out for forgetting my birthday and he said that he didn't forget, that he remembered but had other things to do.  I said to him something akin to I was a secondary thought to him and he denied it, of course.

So interesting.  Why am I choosing men who, as my mom says, don't regard me as anything?  Here I am thinking I'm this take no prisoners sort of chick but latch onto men who are self-involved and relegate me to the background.

I have to break this cycle and at least I'm honest with myself and not brushing it under the ru…

No Mas!

For those that read my blog or those that know me personally, you have an idea of how I function, sort of.  
Case in point, my debilitating reaction to my feelings toward Oscar.  Well, I'm over it.  I'm over my feelings of longing, feelings of being in love with him.  He is part of my history, but he will not be part of my present and future.
How did I get to this point?
He and I had a conversation a week ago and it gave me so much perspective.  He told me that we were friends.  He said that he should be open to meeting the love of his life and that I should be open to meeting the love of mine.  When he said that, my first instinct was to argue that I had, but I kept quiet.  He then went on to say that he doesn't think it's realistic that a couple w/ an age difference of 20 yrs or more, should be a couple.  He said that the relationship would be unrealistic, especially when it gets down to the end, he'll be on his death bed and the woman/girl would be taking care …
To want to be with someone is not difficult, it's finding that person that proves to be an awesome feat.  Not sure, but I assume we have that one person that our heart wants, more than anyone, but we can never get.  I have mine.  His name is Oscar.

I met Oscar by chance, through my job, and he was so sexy.  My God, he embodied my perception of what the ideal man would be, such strength, confidence, courage, machismo, sensitivity, charisma, someone who lives life on his on terms and makes no apologies because, as he puts it, you only get one shot.

We were drawn to one another, sure.  The attraction and the chemistry was and is amazing.  As he liked to tell me, he wasn't a phone person but we could stay on the phone for hours and it would feel like minutes.  I don't get intimidated easily but he can easily intimidate me.  I look up to him, I aspire to be like him, I try and mimic his philosophies because they make sense.  He out-yodas Yoda.

I stopped talking with Oscar ov…

Moving on

The title is apropos w/ my intentions.  I'm moving out of my mother's house and breaking up w/ my boyfriend, in one fell swoop.  DANG!!

I'm nervous on both fronts, man!

I'm moving out of my mom's house because I just can't deal anymore.  I just can't deal with the fact that she doesn't get me and I don't get her.  We're are just two completely different ppl who see things SO differently.

I'm breaking up w/ my boyfriend because sadly, the guy's just not into me.  And it's sad too because Sept. 15th would have clocked 8 mths, and for me , (not counting my marriage which lasted two very long years), this is the longest relationship I've ever been in.  I really tried.  I gave more for this relationship than I ever thought I had in me but it just wasn't reciprocated and that's just not right.

I wish him well.  I wish him nothing but happiness, because that happiness just wasn't w/ me.  I tolerated so much but it just w…
My caloric intake this week was good.  I behaved myself.  I accounted for everything I ate.  I lost 2 lbs this week.  
On a sad note, I've been crying since last night and every time I think of it, I continue to cry.  I'm so sad really.  Last night, before going to bed, my mom had asked me to plug in her cell phone and as I was walking up the stairs, my left side started to hurt.  she asked me what I was saying ow about, I said because my side hurt.  she said that it was too bad the pain wasn't enough to keep me from eating.  She was upset because I ate a whole rib, a whole rib that was within my weight watchers points value, a whole rib that I accounted for.  She said that I ate like a horse because I ate the one rib.   It hurt my feelings so much that I've been crying since and even now as I type this, I get choked up.  What annoyed me the most was that I made the ribs for Labor day and I only ate one rib that day.  I was very proud of myself.  I made 9 ribs total and…

Day 10

I seriously can't believe I survived today.  I made it through today.  So awesome.  I ate fruit for breakfast (pineapples and strawberries) and for a late lunch/dinner, cooked oatmeal w/ ofe ogbono.  very small amount and TONS of water.

Tomorrow, watch out.  And I definitely plan on wearing a dress to church on Sunday.  Oh Yeah.

Day 9

I woke up this morning sort of at a loss as to what to do, what to eat.  Food consumes my thoughts.  I'm afraid to eat for fear that I'll go overboard.

Last night, frustrated and looking for any sort of help, I was on youtube and saw something about starving something or other and it showed two women's stories, one who is anorexic and the other who is bulimic.  It led me to trying to see if I could be anorexic cause being bulimic wasn't working out, no kidding.

I googled anorexic something or other and came across links to something called The Anorexic Diet.  I looked into it.  I purchased the ebook, read it and promptly asked for my money back.

Some of the things they prescribed were sort of the basics for losing weight (drinking lots of water, eating complex carbs, lots of fruits, nuts, not mixing proteins and carbs, exercising), things that somehow got lost in the shuffle, for me.

So today, on my way to the Library, I went to Trader Joe's.  I made a bee line f…

Day 8

Another hard day.  I've been binging and purging these last 3 days.  I eat massive amounts of food and purge as much of it as I can.  It's a horrible, vicious cycle and I hate it.  I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a new day, new start so that I can stop.  I hate it.

August 21st is Day 7

I started out pretty good (4 egg whites, 1 carton of mushrooms) sauteed and the egg whites fried, with cooking spray.  I tried to make an omelette.  Then got to work and it went down hill from there.

Trying to make up for today tomorrow by not consuming so much.

August 20th is Day 6

Late in posting.

I weighed in today.  Down to 223.2 lbs.  I was pleased.

I struggled today.  But at the end of the day, I have to remember it's one day at a time and it won't be easy taking the weight off as it was putting the weight on.  Would that it were, mannnnnnnnnnnn.

Day 5

I didn't have time to make my egg white/mushroom scramble.  I took my 6 nectarines and 1 bag of grapes.  I had breakfast w/ my boyfriend.  I had an egg mcmuffin, no cheese.  It totaled about 7 points, then when I got to work, I snacked on nectrines.  I went to my prayer group and on my way home, snacked on some grapes, about 2-3 cups.  Just drinking my water now.

Sorry for the short post, I'm putting twists in my hair, but needed to get this down.  Continuous prayer for discipline and strength.

So the deal is, I was determined to wear a dress today but was so afraid that I wouldn't fit into any of the dresses in my closet so I went to Ross to try and find a dress.  I went to the big mama section, tried on a size 18, 16 and 14W.  NONE of them fit, they were too big.

This morning, I picked a dress from my closet, a regular 14, and it fit.  Mind you, I had to wear 2 Spanx and it fit.  Later in the afternoon, I took the Spanx off and the dress still fit.  lol.

Tomorrow is t…

Day 4

Today was kinda tough.  I had to work today.  I armed myself the best I could, just to make sure I didn't slip today.  It was hard.

Last night, I was salivating over the egg whites and mushrooms scramble I had earlier that day and made it this morning.  This time, to make sure I would have enough, in the event I got hungry later on, I had 9 egg whites instead of 6 and 3 cartons of sliced mushrooms (brown ones) instead of 2.

I ate half on my way to work and the other half in the latter part of the morning.  I got in to work at 8am and ate the rest around 10 or 11.

I also took 6 nectarines, cut 5 oranges into wedges and of course, I forgot my water.

I didn't weigh myself this morning because I didn't want to be disappointed.  My jeans felt looser and even my juicy mama arms didn't look so juicy, even though they still are.

I left work at 5 but before I left, around 4 something, I started getting hungry.  I have some snacks in my drawer at work, some WW twinkies, which…

Day 3

So today, knowing I shouldn't have because the outcome usually sends me spiraling out of control in the wrong direction, I got on the scale and was pleasantly surprised I had lost some weight, but the day I'm looking forward to is Monday.  I'm looking to see what happens on Monday.

Today, I had 6 egg whites and two cartons of mushrooms, not the white button kind but the brown mushrooms.  I sauteed the mushrooms in cooking spray, seasoned them with salt, thyme and black pepper.  I cooked them down then added the egg whites.  I had planned on eating them w/ hot sauce but was talking w/ my boyfriend on the phone and completely forgot.  I also had a very small serving of potatoes with my breakfast.

Later on in the day, I had 3 nectarines.  They were good.  Big and juicy.

I also drank water today, a liter and a half.  That's probably not enough water, but I made sure I drank some water today.

As far as a workout, didn't do any today.  I was contemplating doing my insa…

Day 2

It's 6:17pm, in Ca and I'm in my room.

Just finished an online session for the NCLEX review class I signed up for, which honestly I wish I'd known about months ago, but I digress.

I'm in my room right now and refuse to go downstairs, more specifically the refrigerator.

Today I ate 3 containers of Dannon Light and Fit Greek yogurt, vanilla flavour and about 4-6 cups of grapes.  Total points value: 15.  I'm assigned 37 points a day with WW but today, I've only used 15.  I know they don't count fruit, but I did.  That's all I've had so far and I haven't had any water, which is sort of disturbing, but I'll fix that.

Am I hungry right now?  No.  My issue was and probably always will be mindless eating.

For me, food is a drug and, I know I can never compare myself to a drug addict and claim to know how they feel, I can only speak of my experiences.

As I was saying, food is my drug.  So much so, that I actually went to an Overeaters Anonymous m…

Weight loss journey Day 1

So it begins.  THIS TIME IS IT, DAMMIT!

I don't set goals.  Let me take that back.  I do set goals, but I don't have a game plan in order to reach my goal.

My goal is to lose a total of 62-65 lbs, my game plan is to revamp my diet and exercise, completely change my habits and be positive about this whole experience.

Since it's after midnight, today will be my official first day.  I'm just tired of being fat.  In a moment, I am going to weigh myself and take measurements.  I'll document all of this.  I'm putting this out here because I need accountability.

Be right back...

I'm back.  I can't find my tape measure so I won't be able to measure myself.  So I weighed myself and I weigh 227.8 lbs.

So, I'll be fully committed to Weight Watchers (that's how I lost 70lbs about 7 yrs ago) and I'll journal what I eat, EVERYTHING I eat.

Why am I doing this?  Other than the fact that I'm 36 and will 37 in 3 mths?  I miss my clothes, especial…
Today is my mom's birthday.

I sit back and realize that today she turns 60 years old.  My God.  She has certainly seen her fair share of good and bad and has come out on top.  She is truly an amazing woman and I love her more than even I understand.

I see her as not only my mother and the grandmother to my son, but a woman, a human being.  She is truly spectacular.

She's working on her Master's degree in Nursing and she's just absolutely amazing.

My prayer for her today is that God bless her.  I pray that He avalanche her w/ blessings and I pray that they manifest immediately.

Happy Birthday to my mother.  May God bless her, keep her and continue to shine His face upon her.  In Jesus name.


Tit for tat

I was wondering something the other day: relationships are based on mutuality, I know that, but does that mean that for whatever you partner does for you, you do for them?  Should there be some running tally of what you did for them and it should be evened out by them doing for you?  I'm curious.  Truth be told, I'm a huge proponent for that.  I think because I feel I do a lot and I want stuff done for me in return.  
I wonder, really, can there be a true balance in any relationship?  Is it the deal w/ relationships that one person gives more than the other and one person takes more than the other?  I wonder if there will ever really be a sort of level in relationships.  
Like I was telling my love the other day, I never thought I was capable of love.  I mean, I love, but I meant I never thought I could be capable of loving a man, to where it consumes my whole being.  I know that I wanted to love and be loved but wasn't sure I was capable of it.  Aside from my marriage th…

Sticks and Stones...

"Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  So the saying goes.  What a crock of shit.  Words hurt.  Especially my mother's words.  Her words hurt.  I was absolutely shitty to her when I was much younger and I guess she's getting her own back.  I remember when she would always tell me that she's happy that she has three other children and grateful that I wasn't her only child.  I guess she's forgiven me, cause she let me live w/ her while I get my shit together, but she hasn't forgotten, which I can understand.

But I get tired of it.  I don't hate her but there are moments I certainly don't like her and love to avoid her like the plague.  I recently found out I can take my nursing exam and plan to do just that, get my license, work and get the fuck out of her house.

When we were praying this evening and she was praying about her health, I had a thought, the way I was feeling this evening, if she died, I wouldn't…
I had a thought as I was driving home today, after my prayer group.

I was thinking about a conversation that I'd like to have with my boyfriend.  We're getting close to that point of joining ourselves to one another permanently.  We will eventually get married, have babies and ride off into the sunset together.  But before that, I called him up one day and told him that he and I needed to go out one night or day, and sit and talk.  We need to have THAT conversation.  You know, the one where you sit and spill out all your shit, all your foibles, all the things that you keep secret until after the wedding, like credit scores, spending habits, secret habits, things of that nature.  This conversation should be interesting.  I also thought about another topic we would be talking about, my fear that we'll get bored w/ one another.  I don't think him so much w/ me but I really fear that I'll get bored w/ him.  Why?  Because I'm a very sexual creature, he is too, but…
I just want to scream.  Why?  My mother, that's why.  I will not say something that I will regret and cannot take back so I'll just leave it at that.  I just want to scream, leave the house and be gone for a long time.  I love her to no end but she is just a human being exercising her thoughts and feelings.  (Just keep them to yourself).  I meant it, but I won't go further than that, although I'm so tempted to.  I love her.  I just need to understand where she's coming from.

I thought about going to God and complaining but are there certain things that God won't do anything about, like your mother just not in touch w/ what's going on in your life but thinks she knows everything and bad mouths you and all that?  I don't think in my case God will do anything because I've put her through a lot and so I figure that God is just saying that I'm getting my own back.

(expletive, expletive, expletive, expletive, expletive, expletive, expletive, expleti…
Anger is a horrible emotion.  It makes you extreme in the worst way possible.  I was contemplating moving out of my mother's house and completely shunning my family because I was so angry.  Thank you God for bringing back order and for helping me work on having peace in my heart.

The thing about family, I've learned, is that although we are genetically linked, we are just people, trying to get along and we feel like we have to because we're related.  When you really think about it, we are individuals who are melded together through genetics and have to figure each other out.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family, it's just that yesterday and earlier today, I wished that I had nothing to do with them anymore.  I kept looking within myself to see if I'd be sad if I never saw them again, never knew how their lives were going and I was surprised that I was ok with it.  Aside from my son having his relationship w/ his grandmother and his uncles and aunt, I persona…

Do overs

I wish that God would allow a do over.  Meaning, I wish that God would allow me to do over my life.  Knowing all the things I know now, I feel I'd be better equipped to do things, maybe not perfectly right, but a whole lot better than I'm doing it now.
I suppose the idea that knowing what I know now, apart from how I lived my youth, why not make the latter part of my life better?  I'm working on it.  But it feels like it's a slow progression.  I want things to happen at my pace and not just wait for them to happen.  I feel sometimes, like I have to wait for things to be done in an order instead of just taking charge and making them happen.
Then I have to ask myself, how did work for me when I'd take the bulls by the horns and my life ended the way it is now because of my decisions and actions?  Wait patiently and allow things to happen how they're supposed to happen.

Fucking vicious cycle.

Unexpected Event

April 25th, 2012 - I miscarried on this day.  I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant with my baby, whom I presumed was a girl.  She would have been the first of many children that my boyfriend, the love of my life, Alex and I, would have had.  She was a miracle for him, because he thought he was incapable of having children and she brought joy to me.

January 15th, 2012 - On this day, I fully committed to Alex.  I finally got it.  I finally understood that all the things I was chasing were foolish and had finally found the one person I wanted to be with.  Not just be with but to be around.  I've thought about how I feel about this man and have decided that I'd rather be unhappy with him than deliriously happy with anyone, that's how much I love him.  Love is not even enough to convey my feelings for this man.  The Saturday before the 15th, I questioned why it was I hadn't gotten my soul mate because apparently everyone else had theirs and I was wondering where mine was and th…
"My parents were married for 30-something years, and he said [it was] because they never wanted to get divorced at the same time," she recalls. "I think you do fall in and out of love and you just keep going, and every time you go through a really difficult phase, you rediscover something new and it just gets better."

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this is a quote I read today in an article by Gwyneth Paltrow.  It speaks such truth about relationships, once you finally find the one that is comfortable and fits.  I've found mine.  We had our first major disagreement yesterday and unlike my usual MO, I didn't turn tail and run and try to find another situation to be in, I called him and we talked it out.  It's amazing and an all new experience to be in a real relationship.  Sure, I've been in relationships, but none worth fighting for.  I…