Fucking VIOLATED

I must have something written on my forehead or on my person somewhere that says that I am an easy target.  I must be so fucking stupid as well.  After prayer group, I went to the grocery store to get some chicken because I was craving chicken, baked chicken, so I got two whole chickens to bake them.  As I was walking to my car, I opened the door and accidentally hit this guy w/ my car door.  I apologized and he said he was fine and went on to tell me that I had gum on my skirt.  I thought that was odd because I didn't sit anywhere gum would be.  He helped me take the gum off.  At some point, it dawned on me that he was touching my ass under my skirt.  I told him I was fine, that he could leave me alone and I proceeded to take the rest of the gum from my skirt.

As I was driving away, it finally dawned on me that there was no gum on my skirt, that he put the gum there in order to touch me, mainly, my ass.

I felt so violated, so angry and so stupid.

I am so down right now because even at 37 years old, I'm still so fucking stupid.

I realized something, as I was replaying what happened in my head: the reason why I have sex so willy nilly, or used to because I'm celibate now.  It's because I decide who I sleep with and I feel that it's under my control.  I made this assessment because when I was younger, all under the age of six, I was molested on three separate occasions by three separate men.  The first time I was 2 or 3, the second time I was 4 or 5 and the third time I was 5, almost 6.

I think that maybe subconsciously because I had no say in them violating me, I wanted to have a say on who could touch me.

Generally, I don't like being touched by people I don't know.  Upon first meeting me, I don't like to be hugged.  If a guy I don't know hugs me upon meeting me, I won't like him anymore.  I feel more comfortable shaking hands and then once I get to know them, hugs are allowed.

As minor as this incident was, and thank God he didn't force his way into my car and take me somewhere where he could have raped me, it still makes me feel so low, so shameful.  I am ashamed because I fell for it and so angry with myself that I didn't know any better.

Another lesson learned, to be more aware and more conscious of those around me.  I don't mind learning lessons of life, but why do they have to be such expensive lessons, and at my expense?

Comments

Cleopatra Jones said…
ugh that man is a complete and total asshole and you should not blame yourself for him being a terrible human being. i'm really glad you're okay and that nothing further happened.
msmcbeal said…
Pervs like that cause girls be shy from good guys sef. Smh

Popular posts from this blog

I'm still here