Setting my heart free

I'm going through a divorce and ending a marriage that lasted two years. Two long, hard and hurtful years. I married a monster, an evil man. When I say evil, I mean evil like when we were kids and we had to have on night lights because we were afraid of the boogeyman. That kind of evil. A man free of any sort of remorse. A man with no conscience. More on this character later. Trust me, I will totally spill the beans but things have to be in place first. Anyway, when my marriage first ended, I was of the mind that I was free and I could move on and find the one for me, the one to truly love me the way I'd always known I'd be loved, my soulmate. Needless to say, I'm still single. Sure there are men out there who are interested but the problem is, I'm not. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of giving away my heart. I'm afraid of trusting someone so completely and utterly. I'm afraid of being myself. With my soon to be ex-husband, I trusted him implicitly. There is nothing about me this man did not know. He knew all my habits. He knew EVERYTHING about me. But once the marriage was over, he spilled the beans about me. Everything I'd thought, felt, said, imagined, etc. was exposed to the world.

My not wanting to be with anyone has different facets to it but ultimately, I cannot trust anyone right now. I don't see the point in me getting close to someone and not being open with him because in my mind, I'm not myself. I thought I'd healed. I've been separated from the spawn of evil for three years now but I haven't healed. Sure I've dated, infact, I dated a lovely man for a year, but he wasn't the one for me. I realized recently that I loved him for many reasons, most especially, his unavailability. Before you get any ideas, he wasn't married or seeing someone else, I don't go there. Emotionally, he was as hurt as me and wasn't in that place either. I'm sure with time, things will get better and I will meet the man God created for me and will love me the way I always knew I would be loved, but until I meet that man that will love me physically the way God loves me spiritually, I'll wait. It'll be a while before I can set my heart free.

Comments

蓝月 said…
"I loved him for many reasons, most especially, his unavailability."

i know what you mean.
Simi Speaks said…
1st time here..love it!!

so sorry to hear about ur divorce.

i started to type a long "advice" but lord knows it's probably irrelevant.

marriage is hard PERIOD. even when you love each other intensely. every year survived shld be celebrated! lol

i just pray He leads you to the right one.

wishing u all the happiness and bliss u deserve!

take care , luv
ebony said…
First time here too and I'll be back. It must be so difficult, all I can say is look for the positives in your ended marriage and take the negatives as lessons learned.
sorry to hear this. what a creep, the guy that is. u will be fine
Nice Anon said…
wow. like simi speaks said marriage is no joke. so sorry to hear about your pain and all BUT i know better days are coming. I wish you all the very best!
pink gloves said…
Ist time here. I love how u asses ur feelings and u are candid with it. Carry on.
I will definitely be back.
SOLOMONSYDELLE said…
My dear, we all have to heal at our own rate, especially in a situation were the one you trusted turned out to be disloyal. Keep your head up. God dey.



NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...
Afrobabe said…
sorry about ur divorce...hate hearing sad love stories but I guess its part of life...

I can understand u being afraid but just keep an open mind..
Sasuke said…
sikes! i really do feel and understand your situation but you gata be strong and optimistic because right now you are all you need.love yourself its the only sure way to attract love.

first timer.yep!
Sherri said…
sorry about ur heartbreak.
look on the bright side, u're free from the boogeyman.
u have to give urself time to heal babe.

it is well.
I know I am late, and this post is almost a month old, but I still wanted to let you know that you will be fine. Am actually going through a divorce as well, and yes, my guy was evil and had no conscience either, and also spread vicious lies about me after we split. It hurt like hell, I cried myself to sleep many nights. I didn't want to date anyone for fear of being hurt. It drew me closer to God. Though I am still being healed, I am so much better now. All that to say...All is well, love, all is well

**Kisses**
Sojourner G said…
Time does indeed heal wounds...but not by itself. Blessings to you. I'm glad you are a believer of Him that has revealed that joy commeth in the morning.
Uzo said…
Clearly the wrong person..I am so sorry about this but its for the best right?
rethots said…
He never makes our waiting in vain.

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