Setting my heart free

I'm going through a divorce and ending a marriage that lasted two years. Two long, hard and hurtful years. I married a monster, an evil man. When I say evil, I mean evil like when we were kids and we had to have on night lights because we were afraid of the boogeyman. That kind of evil. A man free of any sort of remorse. A man with no conscience. More on this character later. Trust me, I will totally spill the beans but things have to be in place first. Anyway, when my marriage first ended, I was of the mind that I was free and I could move on and find the one for me, the one to truly love me the way I'd always known I'd be loved, my soulmate. Needless to say, I'm still single. Sure there are men out there who are interested but the problem is, I'm not. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of giving away my heart. I'm afraid of trusting someone so completely and utterly. I'm afraid of being myself. With my soon to be ex-husband, I trusted him implicitly. There is nothing about me this man did not know. He knew all my habits. He knew EVERYTHING about me. But once the marriage was over, he spilled the beans about me. Everything I'd thought, felt, said, imagined, etc. was exposed to the world.

My not wanting to be with anyone has different facets to it but ultimately, I cannot trust anyone right now. I don't see the point in me getting close to someone and not being open with him because in my mind, I'm not myself. I thought I'd healed. I've been separated from the spawn of evil for three years now but I haven't healed. Sure I've dated, infact, I dated a lovely man for a year, but he wasn't the one for me. I realized recently that I loved him for many reasons, most especially, his unavailability. Before you get any ideas, he wasn't married or seeing someone else, I don't go there. Emotionally, he was as hurt as me and wasn't in that place either. I'm sure with time, things will get better and I will meet the man God created for me and will love me the way I always knew I would be loved, but until I meet that man that will love me physically the way God loves me spiritually, I'll wait. It'll be a while before I can set my heart free.