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Confession

I'm sitting on my couch in the living room, listening to John Mayer's City Love.  I've always loved this song, I've always loved John Mayer but I hadn't listened to his music in a long time.  But I was on the couch, again, last Wednesday and while channel surfing, I landed on MTV and they showed a concert he had performed in L.A. in 2007 and I sat and watched the whole concert.  I don't usually do such but I don't know what compelled me and in doing so, reconnected with songs that at one time had so much meaning to me.  So now, I've searched for those songs and downloaded them, hence why I'm listening to one of them now.  But specifically City Love.  I think the reason this song resonates so much w/ me is that it speaks of love in a way that's untainted.  The kind of love that once you've settled into, is effortless.  I just needed that surge of hope and optimism.

I've found in this journey that I'm currently in, I have to remember…
I'm just going to fuck.  This whole love business is for the birds.  I only ever felt this way after the dissolution of my "marriage", where I just didn't want any emotional entanglements, just my physical needs met.  The desire to procreate was of utmost importance at one point, but I wondered today, do I really want marriage, another baby?  I honestly didn't know what I wanted and maybe that's why I have all these failed relationships.  I don't even know where to start because I suppose, it's been ingrained in my head that my mission in life was to get married, have babies and take care of my home.  I wonder what I want?  At present, I have some carnal needs that need to be met but once that's done, then what?  What do I want?  What am I looking for?  Fuck if I know.  I have to deprogram, reprogram myself, start all over.  Fuck me.

NO more hand me downs

For the longest time, without realizing it, I've lowered my standards, in order to be happy, to be with someone.  I've just accepted hand me down affections, hand me down love, hand me down attention instead of receiving what I deserve, bonafide love, affections and attention.  I'm done w/ that.  This definitely sounds like a rant and it probably is because I just received a text from a guy that I thought had potential but when we had spoken earlier, he said he would call me back in an hour.  3 hours later, he sends me a text saying he's around and if i'm around, we can talk.  I read the text and the old me, the one who reveled in hand me down attention, would have responded because I was desperate for affection but instead, I closed my phone and tossed it back on the table.  Like I said, I'm good.  If he doesn't think I'm worth calling or sticking to a particular time frame, then he's not worth my time.  NO more hand me downs.
I'm sitting in my living room while my son is upstairs, bouncing around in my room, happy, oblivious to how mom is beating herself up internally, going over all her life mistakes and grappling w/ how she now has to learn to live alone or like the idea of living alone.  Romance is not overrated.  Love is not antiquated.  Relationships are not a bygone idea but for the likes of me, they're not to be part of my makeup.  I have wanted them for so long and thought I came close to having them but they continue to become elusive and so now, I am starting to realize that they are not to be part of my lexicon.  Acceptance is easy, practice is hard.  I'm learning to untrain myself in any sort of expectation of anyone or anything from anyone.  I'm learning to be alone, isolated but still part of the human existence.  The irony is that I'm wondering if there's a support group of people who like me, have come to this realization, and are looking for like-minded individuals…
wallowing in self-pity.
So almost immediately after my relationship ended, I joined okcupid and that in itself is an interesting endeavor.  I've long since given up on the idea of ever finding love online, it gives me something to do.  But that's not the purpose of this post.  The purpose of this post is to excise my frustration/sadness.  I don't date black guys anymore, I date primarily white guys.  But I have started making an exception and there was this guy who's 6'9 and he had an interesting post.  I responded because that's what he said he responds to.  I actually expected a response but instead he checked out my profile and left no response.  Look, I'm not ugly but I'm not a bimbette bombshell either.  I just don't understand why I have to settle for someone I'm not attracted to because the ones I'm attracted to think I don't pass muster?  It's irritating.

I don't know how long this will last but I'm just tired of the whole idea of relation…
I seriously suck at this whole relationship thing.  lol.  I don't even know how to go about explaining, so in short, my long distance relationship has come to an end.  he couldn't/wouldn't move from Dallas to L.A and out of frustration he stated we should just be friends and out of frustration I agreed.  Because of the possibility of the move, on his end the actual job of making the necessary arrangements of relocation, job hunting, leaving his son and on my end not knowing if or when it was ever going to happen caused the demise of our relationship.  He's a great guy and will always remain a great guy but he's no longer my great guy.