I'm just going to fuck. This whole love business is for the birds. I only ever felt this way after the dissolution of my "marriage", where I just didn't want any emotional entanglements, just my physical needs met. The desire to procreate was of utmost importance at one point, but I wondered today, do I really want marriage, another baby? I honestly didn't know what I wanted and maybe that's why I have all these failed relationships. I don't even know where to start because I suppose, it's been ingrained in my head that my mission in life was to get married, have babies and take care of my home. I wonder what I want? At present, I have some carnal needs that need to be met but once that's done, then what? What do I want? What am I looking for? Fuck if I know. I have to deprogram, reprogram myself, start all over. Fuck me.
Life sucks period. I don't know why I would want to continue it but there's this annoying resiliency within me that won't allow me to give up and I'm grateful, I suppose. There's hope in my heart, to see past the negative and focus on the positive. I'm trying. I focus so much on my failings that I don't see my successes. I've decided to see a therapist. One of my co-workers had success with her therapist so I asked her to give me her therapist's number. I need to unlock whatever it is within me that causing all of this. I want to be whole. I want to be better. Not jagged pieces with no purpose.