I'm sitting in my living room while my son is upstairs, bouncing around in my room, happy, oblivious to how mom is beating herself up internally, going over all her life mistakes and grappling w/ how she now has to learn to live alone or like the idea of living alone. Romance is not overrated. Love is not antiquated. Relationships are not a bygone idea but for the likes of me, they're not to be part of my makeup. I have wanted them for so long and thought I came close to having them but they continue to become elusive and so now, I am starting to realize that they are not to be part of my lexicon. Acceptance is easy, practice is hard. I'm learning to untrain myself in any sort of expectation of anyone or anything from anyone. I'm learning to be alone, isolated but still part of the human existence. The irony is that I'm wondering if there's a support group of people who like me, have come to this realization, and are looking for like-minded individuals. This is a journey of self, of probably dealing w/ myself and learning about myself. In an odd sort of way it's liberating because I can now see people and instead of seeing how they can add to my life, what they can bring to my life, I see them as who they are, with no expectations because they are themselves, not who I want them or need them to be.
Life sucks period. I don't know why I would want to continue it but there's this annoying resiliency within me that won't allow me to give up and I'm grateful, I suppose. There's hope in my heart, to see past the negative and focus on the positive. I'm trying. I focus so much on my failings that I don't see my successes. I've decided to see a therapist. One of my co-workers had success with her therapist so I asked her to give me her therapist's number. I need to unlock whatever it is within me that causing all of this. I want to be whole. I want to be better. Not jagged pieces with no purpose.