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I do A LOT of self analysis and today I finally figured out why I'm fat.  I'm fat because I'm a binge eater and I binge eat because I'm fairly miserable.  It's not that food brings me comfort, it takes my mind off my unhappiness.  I come across as a fairly optimistic and jovial individual but underneath all that I'm truly miserable.  Not to the point where I'd take my life.  Fuck no.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  But I am miserable enough that I eat to the point of distraction, literally.  I think about food so I don't really focus on the fact that my life isn't what I want it to be.  It isn't where I want it to be.  I dream about food, what I'll eat, how I'll eat it, how I'll make it or where I'll buy it, so that I don't focus on me.  
(Mind blown)

Peace

It's all I have.  It's all I'm after.
So, my parents broke up.   My parents being my mom and stepdad.  They weren't married but were together for a long while.  They broke up a couple years ago but the reason I'm writing about it now is because of a thought that came into my head.

A little bit of history...

I've known my stepdad since I was 22 years old.  He and my mom were just friends then.  He was super cool.  He just understood me.  He gave me advice that literally changed my life.  He's the reason I married Munchkin's father and why Munchkin even exists.  He was the father I never had.  But things started to change.

I didn't notice it at first but then I started noticing that his approach towards me wasn't normal.  He swatted my backside and made a comment about how he loved watching me walk away.  I think the straw that finally broke the camel's back was when I was helping my mom take her braids out, he was behind me and pinched my ass.  I was totally shocked.

I was dating this guy…
I was very brusque with someone today.  A guy I used to be intimate with.  We aren't friends, haven't been friends for a very long time.  He'll send me texts and I ignore them.  He calls, I ignore the calls.  Today, he sent me a text, wondered if I wasn't receiving them or just ignoring him.  I responded.  I let him know I'm ignoring him.  He texts back, wondering why.  I let him know that our time is over and I'm just moving on.  I ask that he respect my wishes to be left alone.  He text back asking what my problem was, why I was upset.  I ask him again to leave me alone.  He still doesn't stop.  He texts me again.  I text back that I don't want to cuss him out, to just leave me alone.  He texts back again.  I let loose.  I ask him to fucking leave me alone and what he's doing is harassing me.  He's still persistent.  I text back to fucking leave me alone and if he persists, I will take legal action.  He then responds that he'll stop when …

Finally

Finally, I've decided to be prudent.  Finally, I've decided to wait for God to bring "him" instead of me trying to find "him" on my own.  I tried everything, looked everywhere.  I met many men along the way who had certain attributes but not all the qualities I was looking for.  Some have even come quite close but weren't the complete package.  In no way am I saying that I'm looking for perfection because there's no such thing.  I just know what I want and instead of compromising and not getting it in its entirety, I've decided to wait on God to direct me to where "he" is and make it happen.

Why now?

 Because I decided, on my own, to try and turn my once in a while booty call into a relationship.  Seriously, the guy is the best sex I've had, to date.  He seriously wears me out.  I don't have to masturbate post coitus to have a fulfilling experience.  The other times I've had sex, I've orgasmed, but I wasn't fu…

NO more lowered standards

So on Friday, my sister and I decide to go to a Wakekeeping.  I'm driving, so on our way, we stop at the gas station cause I need to fill up on gas.  I pay, pump and go into the store to get my change.  As I'm walking out, I walk gingerly so I don't fall because I'm wearing heels.

I look ahead, taking my time as a I walk and in front of me is a guy.  He's parked his minivan in the once empty stall at the gas station and so I'm trying to figure out how to maneuver around his vehicle to get to mine.  He says hello, I say hello.  As I pass him, he asks me what cologne I'm wearing.  I told him that at the moment it was gas.  He laughed.  I let him know I'm wearing Usher for men.  He says it smells good on me.  I thank him.  As I begin to walk away, he engages me in conversation.  He asks my name, I tell him.  He tells me his name.  We chat for a bit and I'm intrigued so when he asks for my number, I give it to him.  I get back in the car and my sister …

HORNY ASS BITCH

I'm referring to myself.  I am horny.  I LOVE sex.  I enjoy myself.  I have amazing talents regarding sex.  The problem lies in that I don't have a steady partner to share said talents with.  I do have a guy that I call on occasion and we engage in sex and he is AMAZING.  He has amazing hands, mouth, tongue, appendage, the whole enchilada.  He also cooks for me when I come over.  He's full service.  He's great, but he's not my steady, though I have tried to get him to be my main steady.  I enjoy sex and if left to me would have it everyday, several times a day.  My only off days would be the six days a month I have my period.  The issue is that I also crave mental stimulation.  Verbal barbs shared between myself and a sex crazed fiend like myself.  I have yet to meet such a specimen.

It's weird how meeting my main steady has eluded me.  I'm 38 now, will be 39 in November and I've yet to meet a guy I can have a long term, fulfilling relationship with, …

What the heart wants...

I'm 38 years old, young, whatever.  I don't feel old, don't look old but I feel like time is surely passing me by.  I have an amazing son, who is now 9 going on 10.  For the longest time, I always had this idea that I would get married again and have more children.  The reality is that I haven't been married for 9 years and haven't had a long enough relationship to make come true my desire.  I take that back, I haven't had a long enough physical relationship.  I've had a long standing relationship, probably the healthiest, most wonderful relationship I've ever had.  The connection we have is what I've always wanted, the love I receive is what I've always wanted, it's the ideal situation.  The only problem is that it's a platonic relationship.  We didn't start off as platonic, but have gotten to that point.  We love each other, that goes without saying, but the "stars haven't aligned" for us.  He is my ace, my pally, al…

Therapy

So, I started therapy.  Therapy, I've come to find out, is good for many issues, not just one.  I dealt with my issue of being molested as  a child and learning the art of forgiveness.  Now, I need therapy to help me overcome my eating disorder.  I'm a compulsive eater and on a good day I suffer from bulimia.  For me, both should go hand in hand but I've haven't been purging but have definitely been eating and have gained about 50lbs.  I know I need help.  I've tried to deal with it on my own and have failed miserably.  There were times I had it under control but it's resurfaced and is kicking my ass.  It rules my life and it's not a great existence.

I've been meaning to make an appointment to meet and talk with a therapist but I have done so.  It's an idea that's been floating around in my head but I just remembered now, while penning this, that I need to make an appointment with a therapist.

It really sucks, to be carrying around all this e…

New Hobby

Image
I'm on this new kick: I want to learn how to sew.  I've been obsessed as of late.  It all started w/ Pinterest.  I came across this gorgeous pink wrap dress.


I plan on sewing a multitude of items and hopefully be good enough that I'll never have to shop for clothes again, but can make my own.  Oh to dream.
FUCK YOU!!! You fucking hypocrite.  You asshole.  You fucking think you know every fucking thing.  You don't know shit.  No one can ever tell you anything contrary to what you believe.  FUCK YOU!!!


Anger expelled.