Finally

Finally, I've decided to be prudent.  Finally, I've decided to wait for God to bring "him" instead of me trying to find "him" on my own.  I tried everything, looked everywhere.  I met many men along the way who had certain attributes but not all the qualities I was looking for.  Some have even come quite close but weren't the complete package.  In no way am I saying that I'm looking for perfection because there's no such thing.  I just know what I want and instead of compromising and not getting it in its entirety, I've decided to wait on God to direct me to where "he" is and make it happen.

Why now?

 Because I decided, on my own, to try and turn my once in a while booty call into a relationship.  Seriously, the guy is the best sex I've had, to date.  He seriously wears me out.  I don't have to masturbate post coitus to have a fulfilling experience.  The other times I've had sex, I've orgasmed, but I wasn't fulfilled.  I have a higher than average sex drive and it takes a lot to fully satisfy me.  This guy does so and then some.  Even after sex, we lay in bed and cuddle for hours, just talking about whatever or not talking at all.  In bed we're great, it's out of bed that's the problem.  I love to talk, I love to share thoughts, ideas, learn from the other person and this guy and I don't do that.  We joke around but that's not enough.  I need to be stimulated mentally.

So, thinking that since we're so great in bed together, I decided to see what it would be like to try and turn what we have into a full on relationship.  It was torture.  I tried to talk to him, only to receive monosyllabic responses.  I tried to illicit any sort of response from him and it was like trying to bleed a turnip.  It was just exhausting.  That's when I finally threw in the towel and gave up.

I've tried, for so long and on my own, to find "him" and I've sucked at it.  So today, I told God that I'm leaving it in His capable hands.  I'm tired, I'm exhausted.  I don't want to settle anymore because the more I settle, the lower my expectations become.  I don't want to lower my expectations anymore.  I don't feel I have to, just to have someone to talk to and lay with.

I don't know when or how I got so far off track or maybe I was never on track.  It's funny how my best friend knows me so well.  She and I have these long discussions about why I lose interest in a guy after a couple months of being with him.  She told me that it's because they don't fulfill whatever it is I'm looking for and because of that I lose interest.  I pondered what she said and realized she was right.

So, that's where I am now.  I honestly thought it would be difficult to just stop trying to make things happen on my own but I think for some, me, hitting rock bottom is what finally propelled me to see and understand reason.  

Comments

rethots said…
When we hit 'rock bottom', there's no lower depth to accommodate us so, the only option left is for us to soar....

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