putting myself in the crosshairs

To want to be with someone is not difficult, it's finding that person that proves to be an awesome feat.  Not sure, but I assume we have that one person that our heart wants, more than anyone, but we can never get.  I have mine.  His name is Oscar.

I met Oscar by chance, through my job, and he was so sexy.  My God, he embodied my perception of what the ideal man would be, such strength, confidence, courage, machismo, sensitivity, charisma, someone who lives life on his on terms and makes no apologies because, as he puts it, you only get one shot.

We were drawn to one another, sure.  The attraction and the chemistry was and is amazing.  As he liked to tell me, he wasn't a phone person but we could stay on the phone for hours and it would feel like minutes.  I don't get intimidated easily but he can easily intimidate me.  I look up to him, I aspire to be like him, I try and mimic his philosophies because they make sense.  He out-yodas Yoda.

I stopped talking with Oscar over a year ago because I found myself in love with him.  Oscar has been married twice and  although he's not closing the door to the idea of getting married again, he's not looking to get married.  When I first met him, I was gung-ho about getting married and I wanted to marry him.  I wanted to have another child but Oscar, who already has 2 sons and 2 step children, didn't want to have more kids.  He had been through all of that and wasn't about to go back to that.  We weren't on the same page so I cut the ties between us, but he was never far from my thoughts.  I thought it would be easier to not be around him than to be around him because I wanted him, no other but him.

So, I moved on.

Now, here I am, talking with him again and things are as if we'd never stopped talking and I'm more in love with him than ever.  Here I am, previously wanting to get married and have another child but happy with the notion of never getting married or having more children if it means that for the duration of my life, I'll get to be with this man I consider my ideal.

I woke up this morning, so sad and dare I say depressed because I want to be with this man who is what I want.

I'm on the precipice of wanting to end things so that I'll be free of these feelings but I want him in my life because I truly love this man and value his friendship and his wisdom.

I don't believe I've ever been depressed about anyone, not even Alex.

My usual MO is to move on to the next thing and find solace in that but I don't want to.  Why settle for less than stellar?

I don't want to look anymore because if I look, I won't find what I'm looking for.