Anger is a horrible emotion.  It makes you extreme in the worst way possible.  I was contemplating moving out of my mother's house and completely shunning my family because I was so angry.  Thank you God for bringing back order and for helping me work on having peace in my heart.

The thing about family, I've learned, is that although we are genetically linked, we are just people, trying to get along and we feel like we have to because we're related.  When you really think about it, we are individuals who are melded together through genetics and have to figure each other out.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family, it's just that yesterday and earlier today, I wished that I had nothing to do with them anymore.  I kept looking within myself to see if I'd be sad if I never saw them again, never knew how their lives were going and I was surprised that I was ok with it.  Aside from my son having his relationship w/ his grandmother and his uncles and aunt, I personally would have been content dropping him off and later picking him up when he was done visiting them.

I kind of knew that God had stepped and and was going to make things ok because my boyfriend told me about the dream he had last night, where it was he, myself, my son and our baby and my mother was there.  It felt reassuring somehow that he saw my mother in the dream.  It meant that we were still connected and my ideas of cutting off all ties was a bad idea.

The thing is that a lot of times, I think I have everything figured out and God continues to show me that I don't, that it's His plans that matter, not mine.

When I started feeling like I wanted to disassociate myself from my family, I felt that praying to Him about it would have been a lost cause because this wasn't the first time that I'd felt like this.  I felt that praying to Him would yield nothing and just in a way, poured out my heart to Him, without laying blame on anyone but in a manner that was matter of fact, told him what I felt, how I felt and what led to it.

I refused to lay the blame on any one but myself.  I digested it and put the blame squarely on me.  I just didn't want to have any excuses and say that my behavior was a result of such and such's behavior.  I just said that I probably deserved it because I was a terrible person and what was happening was a result of my actions.  I just swallowed it.


Comments

The thing about decisions is that it has to be well thought through so as not to leave lasting consequences. Things that seem urgent and push us into negative decisions are hardly ever worth it in hindsight. But by then the damage is done. Thank God you had the foresight to pull back in time.
YankeeNaija said…
@NJ: God is so good. He just diffuses situations and helps us heal.

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