Sticks and Stones...

"Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  So the saying goes.  What a crock of shit.  Words hurt.  Especially my mother's words.  Her words hurt.  I was absolutely shitty to her when I was much younger and I guess she's getting her own back.  I remember when she would always tell me that she's happy that she has three other children and grateful that I wasn't her only child.  I guess she's forgiven me, cause she let me live w/ her while I get my shit together, but she hasn't forgotten, which I can understand.

But I get tired of it.  I don't hate her but there are moments I certainly don't like her and love to avoid her like the plague.  I recently found out I can take my nursing exam and plan to do just that, get my license, work and get the fuck out of her house.

When we were praying this evening and she was praying about her health, I had a thought, the way I was feeling this evening, if she died, I wouldn't feel a thing.  My siblings would miss her because they have a completely different relationship w/ her than I do, but me, I wouldn't miss her at all.  I've thought about her estate too, I hope she doesn't leave me anything.  I don't want anything from her, not that I'm even expecting anything.  I don't even think I'm in the will so there's not much to worry about.

Why am I upset?  My mom bought a new car.  She already has two in the garage and so the third one is parked in the driveway.  I called, to ask if my sister could move her car to the visitor's parking area so that I can park in the driveway, so that my car wouldn't get towed by the security that the HOA hired to patrol parking.  The visitor's parking area is a few steps away from our house, or rather, my mom's house.  I asked that my sister move her car there, for tonight, so that we can alternate because I've been parking in the visitor's parking since my mom's new car has been in the driveway and my mom told me to park my car out on the street, outside of the gates of the gated community her house is in.  I was stupefied.  My sister volunteered to move her car to the visitor's parking area, but what my mom said I should do stunned me.  I was so hurt.  I was so hurt because if it were me parked in the driveway, she would ask me herself, to move my car, but because it was me doing the asking, I should park on the street.

And so, moving forward, I will never ask my sister to move her car from the driveway ever again.  I will alternate between parking on the street and the visitor parking area.

When we were praying, the Spirit of God told me to forgive her.  But what I kept thinking was, what right do    I have at being upset?  She has the right to treat me any way she wants to because of the terrible things I've done to her.  I just asked God to make me less sensitive to all of it and that it's just my penance.  


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