An act of forgiveness
Forgiveness. Such an easy word to say, but a hard act to perform. I take that back. There are levels of forgiveness that are easy to perform, but there are some that are too difficult. I was contemplating my life the other night/morning and remembered an event that occurred in my life when I was 3 or 4, a life altering, devastating event that has affected my life to this moment. This event shattered the bond of a mother and daughter, causing us to never connect the way we should. I was molested when I was 3 or 4 and my mother walked in on the act. The man in question sat me on a table in the boys quarters and began to fondle me. My mom walked in on him when he was doing this. She obviously dealt with him, but the part that surprised me the most was that she beat me and said I went looking for it. She blamed me. I've never been close to my mother since that day and she's never been close to me either. Or maybe she's tried and I just haven't let it happen. I think it's the latter. For me, I think that it's that inner belief that the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally and despite my faults, still love me, I felt that by her blaming me for the event, didn't love me, so I separated from her. I have harbored anger all my life, but never knew from where it stemmed, until the other night. I don't want the anger anymore and am fighting against it with prayer, but in order to defeat the anger, I have to forgive my mother. How do I forgive her if she feels that she did nothing wrong? I don't expect any apologies or any explanation. I just want to let it go. I can never forget, but I want to forgive. I guess that all I can do is just continue to pray for God to help me have forgiveness in my heart.