An act of forgiveness

Forgiveness.  Such an easy word to say, but a hard act to perform.  I take that back.  There are levels of forgiveness that are easy to perform, but there are some that are too difficult.  I was contemplating my life the other night/morning and remembered an event that occurred in my life when I was 3 or 4, a life altering, devastating event that has affected my life to this moment.  This event shattered the bond of a mother and daughter, causing us to never connect the way we should.  I was molested when I was 3 or 4 and my mother walked in on the act.  The man in question sat me on a table in the boys quarters and began to fondle me.  My mom walked in on him when he was doing this.  She obviously dealt with him, but the part that surprised me the most was that she beat me and said I went looking for it.  She blamed me.  I've never been close to my mother since that day and she's never been close to me either.  Or maybe she's tried and I just haven't let it happen.  I think it's the latter.  For me, I think that it's that inner belief that the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally and despite my faults, still love me, I felt that by her blaming me for the event, didn't love me, so I separated from her.  I have harbored anger all my life, but never knew from where it stemmed, until the other night.  I don't want the anger anymore and am fighting against it with prayer, but in order to defeat the anger, I have to forgive my mother.  How do I forgive her if she feels that she did nothing wrong?  I don't expect any apologies or any explanation.  I just want to let it go.  I can never forget, but I want to forgive.  I guess that all I can do is just continue to pray for God to help me have forgiveness in my heart.  

Comments

chinnyugoji said…
This is a painful one and I pray with all my heart that God will heal you completely of it. Parents tend to react out of fear sometimes. I remember I hurt myself badly once and got punished for it! I just couldn't make sense of it. Hadn't I suffered enough? Later I found out my mom was so distraught she just lashed out to release her fear and I was the convenient target. Many of our parents grew up insensitive because they didn't grow up receiving or giving affection. Is it possible that your mom didn't know how to react? I don't know. In fact I don't know if any of this makes sense to you but I just wanted to reach out. Keep talking to God. He'll answer.
YankeeNaija said…
@Chin: Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for the perspective. I didn't even think of that as an option. Thank you again. God has heard me, in so many ways and allowing me to heal. God bless you.
Naijalines said…
This is a hard one. Like you said, you have to forgive in order to move on. It's possible that your mum was shocked and probably blamed herself for it all. It's a very hard thing for a parent to deal with and in anger, a parent would lash out at whoever is closest as a way of dealing with it. Not the best way to deal with it but we are all flawed in one way or the other.

Is it possible to talk about it with your mum? I know it happened a long time ago, but clearing the air might help you to put it away once and for all. It might also help improve your relationship with her.
Naijalines said…
I think I'm in Naija-English speak mode today. 'Hard thing', lol. I meant 'diffcult'.
Tisha said…
Forgive her meen!
She was just acting like a typical woman
she felt helpless and blamed herself...
In blaming you she was blaming herself because you were 3 or 4.

I was raped and I blamed no one but myself. Now I blame the stupid bastard and stupid society that support him with their words and actions and behaviors.

Advice:
Forget about it, its not worth the sorrow you have given to it. Your friends will love you in spite of it and a good man will love you in spite of it too.
A man who won't love you because of it is not worth your time.
musco said…
can u update this blog pls ......

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