Hollow

That is exactly how I feel when I have a casual encounter.  At the time, my body yearns for it, but afterwards, when I'm walking back to my car to get home or to my various destinations, I realized that for the moment, it satisfied my carnal desire but left me wanting for a more substantial situation.

I haven't wanted a real relationship in so long, so imagine my surprise that I long for it.  I'm looking for love, looking for companionship, looking for not just a temporary situation, but a relationship.

It's taken me close to six years to be at the point where I want to have someone around on  a daily basis, someone I can trust w/ all my good and bad and not worry that this person is going to expose me to the world.  My ex husband did that.  All the good and bad, mainly bad, about me, he broadcast to the world and let them know who I am, in my most private space.

After the end of my relationship w/ Munchkin's dad, I found it really hard to trust any man.  I had been accused on a couple or several occasions that I deflect.  They tell me that I know everything about them, but they don't really know much about me.  They tell me that I ask a ton of questions about them, but don't answer questions about myself.  It's true.  I found it very difficult to let anyone into my inner sanctum, my most special place, for fear that they will hurt me.

I'd always seen myself as indestructible, but Munchkin's dad proved that was not the case.  I'm not a robot, I do in fact have feelings, go figure.  For the longest time, I didn't want to be that vulnerable, with anyone, but I find myself wanting to and it's so palpable, the desire is so strong, that I'm kind of looking every which way to find it.

I guess it's all about timing, but haven't I waited long enough?  Or is the rule that now that I've come out of my reverie of wanting to keep my distance, is there now some sort of waiting period, a cue that I have to be in, in order to get the chance to be in a relationship?

I don't know, but like I keep telling God, I want someone.  I really want to be w/ someone and love them and have them love me.

I am so ready.

Comments

rethots said…
"...someone I can trust w/ all my good and bad and not worry..."
This (with the 'trust' in capital letter) is what we all want.
Cleopatra Jones said…
i feel the same way about wanting to be with someone for real and not a casual thing. it's so hard to wait for it to come around, but i still have faith that one day we'll all get there.
musco said…
Just call my name and I will be there ...... *in Micheal Jackson's voice*
T.Notes said…
This ashewo musco!!!
I do hope you get your wish and attract the sort of man that will deserve you.
YankeeNaija said…
@rt: amen o
@CJ: the waiting part is what i'm working on.
@Musco: lol. actually i have your bb pin and i'll bb msg you.
@TN: lol. don't judge. jealousy is not beautiful
@NN: thank you so much.
YankeeNaija said…
@rt: amen o
@CJ: the waiting part is what i'm working on.
@Musco: lol. actually i have your bb pin and i'll bb msg you.
@TN: lol. don't judge. jealousy is not beautiful
@NN: thank you so much.

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