YES!!!!!! HA HA! I got it, oh yeah I got it. La la la la la. lol.
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Life sucks period. I don't know why I would want to continue it but there's this annoying resiliency within me that won't allow me to give up and I'm grateful, I suppose. There's hope in my heart, to see past the negative and focus on the positive. I'm trying. I focus so much on my failings that I don't see my successes. I've decided to see a therapist. One of my co-workers had success with her therapist so I asked her to give me her therapist's number. I need to unlock whatever it is within me that causing all of this. I want to be whole. I want to be better. Not jagged pieces with no purpose.
Yesterday I decided that I was going to end my life. I've never been happy in this life. The only thing that's kept me hanging on was my son. Yesterday, I felt I had finally hit my limit. Other than alcohol and food, I don't have many vices. I did research on what would be the best , easiest way to die. The general consensus was shotgun blast to the head or chest, overdosing on sleeping pills or self drowning. My son would be ok. He's in a better place with his father and I think he's learned enough from me to live a good life.
I've made a mess of this life and I just don't want to live it anymore.
I'm sitting on my couch in the living room, listening to John Mayer's City Love. I've always loved this song, I've always loved John Mayer but I hadn't listened to his music in a long time. But I was on the couch, again, last Wednesday and while channel surfing, I landed on MTV and they showed a concert he had performed in L.A. in 2007 and I sat and watched the whole concert. I don't usually do such but I don't know what compelled me and in doing so, reconnected with songs that at one time had so much meaning to me. So now, I've searched for those songs and downloaded them, hence why I'm listening to one of them now. But specifically City Love. I think the reason this song resonates so much w/ me is that it speaks of love in a way that's untainted. The kind of love that once you've settled into, is effortless. I just needed that surge of hope and optimism.
I've found in this journey that I'm currently in, I have to remember…