My (random) thoughts

Apparently, it's possible to be completely oblivious to one's short comings.  I was on the phone w/ my baby brother and he schooled me big time.  To the rest of my family (mother, sister, him, maybe even my other brother) I'm totally immature, completely self-involved and lack any sort of motivation.  He said I was a freeloader in my mother's house and I don't contribute in anyway. It's a bitter pill to swallow. I've always felt apart from everybody, like I was put into a family that I just didn't belong to.  If we didn't look alike, I'd think that I was adopted or something. I'm in self-reflective mode right now.  I agree with some of what he said, not with others, but again, he gave me his perspective from the view of an outsider and I believe it was an objective view. I feel like an idiot.  After the conversation, I sat back in my car and asked God why he made me the eldest if I am this way?  I look at other people that are the el...

I must have something written on my forehead or on my person somewhere that says that I am an easy target.  I must be so fucking stupid as well.  After prayer group, I went to the grocery store to get some chicken because I was craving chicken, baked chicken, so I got two whole chickens to bake them.  As I was walking to my car, I opened the door and accidentally hit this guy w/ my car door.  I apologized and he said he was fine and went on to tell me that I had gum on my skirt.  I thought that was odd because I didn't sit anywhere gum would be.  He helped me take the gum off.  At some point, it dawned on me that he was touching my ass under my skirt.  I told him I was fine, that he could leave me alone and I proceeded to take the rest of the gum from my skirt. As I was driving away, it finally dawned on me that there was no gum on my skirt, that he put the gum there in order to touch me, mainly, my ass. I felt so violated, so angry and so st...

Just got off the phone with Oscar and I was reminded, gladly, how not into me this man is.  It's funny how I never saw this.  I'm sure it was always there, but because I was so into him, I assumed he was equally into me.  The same with Alex.  My birthday was on the 8th and he didn't remember my birthday.  So on the 11th, I called Alex and said that I was now officially 37yrs old and he wished me a happy belated birthday.  I called him out for forgetting my birthday and he said that he didn't forget, that he remembered but had other things to do.  I said to him something akin to I was a secondary thought to him and he denied it, of course. So interesting.  Why am I choosing men who, as my mom says, don't regard me as anything?  Here I am thinking I'm this take no prisoners sort of chick but latch onto men who are self-involved and relegate me to the background. I have to break this cycle and at least I'm honest with myself and not brushin...

For those that read my blog or those that know me personally, you have an idea of how I function, sort of.   Case in point, my debilitating reaction to my feelings toward Oscar.  Well, I'm over it.  I'm over my feelings of longing, feelings of being in love with him.  He is part of my history, but he will not be part of my present and future. How did I get to this point? He and I had a conversation a week ago and it gave me so much perspective.  He told me that we were friends.  He said that he should be open to meeting the love of his life and that I should be open to meeting the love of mine.  When he said that, my first instinct was to argue that I had, but I kept quiet.  He then went on to say that he doesn't think it's realistic that a couple w/ an age difference of 20 yrs or more, should be a couple.  He said that the relationship would be unrealistic, especially when it gets down to the end, he'll be on his death bed and the ...

To want to be with someone is not difficult, it's finding that person that proves to be an awesome feat.  Not sure, but I assume we have that one person that our heart wants, more than anyone, but we can never get.  I have mine.  His name is Oscar. I met Oscar by chance, through my job, and he was so sexy.  My God, he embodied my perception of what the ideal man would be, such strength, confidence, courage, machismo, sensitivity, charisma, someone who lives life on his on terms and makes no apologies because, as he puts it, you only get one shot. We were drawn to one another, sure.  The attraction and the chemistry was and is amazing.  As he liked to tell me, he wasn't a phone person but we could stay on the phone for hours and it would feel like minutes.  I don't get intimidated easily but he can easily intimidate me.  I look up to him, I aspire to be like him, I try and mimic his philosophies because they make sense.  He out-yodas Yoda...

The title is apropos w/ my intentions.  I'm moving out of my mother's house and breaking up w/ my boyfriend, in one fell swoop.  DANG!! I'm nervous on both fronts, man! I'm moving out of my mom's house because I just can't deal anymore.  I just can't deal with the fact that she doesn't get me and I don't get her.  We're are just two completely different ppl who see things SO differently. I'm breaking up w/ my boyfriend because sadly, the guy's just not into me.  And it's sad too because Sept. 15th would have clocked 8 mths, and for me , (not counting my marriage which lasted two very long years), this is the longest relationship I've ever been in.  I really tried.  I gave more for this relationship than I ever thought I had in me but it just wasn't reciprocated and that's just not right. I wish him well.  I wish him nothing but happiness, because that happiness just wasn't w/ me.  I tolerated so much but it ju...

My caloric intake this week was good.  I behaved myself.  I accounted for everything I ate.  I lost 2 lbs this week.   On a sad note, I've been crying since last night and every time I think of it, I continue to cry.  I'm so sad really.  Last night, before going to bed, my mom had asked me to plug in her cell phone and as I was walking up the stairs, my left side started to hurt.  she asked me what I was saying ow about, I said because my side hurt.  she said that it was too bad the pain wasn't enough to keep me from eating.  She was upset because I ate a whole rib, a whole rib that was within my weight watchers points value, a whole rib that I accounted for.  She said that I ate like a horse because I ate the one rib.   It hurt my feelings so much that I've been crying since and even now as I type this, I get choked up.  What annoyed me the most was that I made the ribs for Labor day and I only ate one rib that day. ...