Confession

I'm sitting on my couch in the living room, listening to John Mayer's City Love.  I've always loved this song, I've always loved John Mayer but I hadn't listened to his music in a long time.  But I was on the couch, again, last Wednesday and while channel surfing, I landed on MTV and they showed a concert he had performed in L.A. in 2007 and I sat and watched the whole concert.  I don't usually do such but I don't know what compelled me and in doing so, reconnected with songs that at one time had so much meaning to me.  So now, I've searched for those songs and downloaded them, hence why I'm listening to one of them now.  But specifically City Love.  I think the reason this song resonates so much w/ me is that it speaks of love in a way that's untainted.  The kind of love that once you've settled into, is effortless.  I just needed that surge of hope and optimism.

I've found in this journey that I'm currently in, I have to remember that I matter, that I need to think of myself, not in a selfish sort of way but because of my desire to be loved, to settle into a relationship that is effortless, I can't allow that to be what leads me.  In allowing that, I lose sight of my values.  In my desperation to be loved and to love, I forgot that in order to have such a connection, you have to get to know one another first, for a while at least.  I was all about the instant gratification and as steely as I am, or at least, pretend to be, I need to keep this in the forefront of my mind, above all else, self love.  Before I can allow someone to love me or even receive my love, they need to understand how much I love me, how much I value me.  I forgot that in order for someone to treat you a certain way, they have to learn by example and if I'm giving a bad example, whose fault is it then?  Mine.  I can't blame anyone else for not getting that phone call back or even a reply to my text after an afternoon of sex.

I know better but I forgot how to go about it.  While driving w/ my son this afternoon, I pondered this whole situation and it finally hit me after we had listened to a song in the car where the young lady singing was asking is there a guy out there who can love a girl?  I turned to my son and told him that no one is responsible for our happiness but ourselves and then, moment of clarity.  I was allowing my need for companionship cloud my judgment and it had to stop.

So, I am not perfect, shocking, I know, but there it is, my confession.

I will get better.  Friends first, then allow them the opportunity to see how amazing I am, it's only fair and if they fail to understand how much of a gem I am, then it's their loss.