Dear Dad

I've had this idea brimming in my head for about a week now and I still don't know whether I'll go through w/ it.  I wanted to write a letter to my dad, my biological father.  My dad wasn't the typical father.  He was never around when we lived as a family and even when my mom, sibs and I moved to America, he didn't join us.  He in effect left us to fend for ourselves and let me tell you, there were some days where we didn't know where our next meal would come from or even if we'd have a roof over our heads.  But by God's grace and w/ a mother with the will of iron, we survived.  God is good.

The reason I kept thinking about writing a letter to my dad was because my sister and I were chatting one day.  She and my mom are extremely close.  My mom and I love each other to pieces, but we're not close like she and my sister are.  I never realized before until this convo I had w/ my sister how lacking I was.

I was supposed to be daddy's little girl, but I had no daddy.  The first man a girl falls in love w/ is her daddy.  And every man that comes after that in some form embodies her daddy.  I had no barometer with which to measure any man.  The choices I made, regarding men, were questionable at times because I was trying to fill the gaping wound left by my father.  It even pains me now to think about it.  I used to wonder why my father didn't love me or us for that matter.  He sought out my mother, married her, had kids in quick succession, but then turned around and left us?  I personally felt he left me.

My father was a dick, in every sense of the word.  But he was the only father I had.  All the choices I've made in my life, regarding men, have been influenced by the lack of a relationship w/ my father.  My father has floated in and out of my life at different periods:  When I was 7 and my youngest brother was born, when I was 8 and my youngest brother was 1, when I was 19 and moved back to Nigeria and when I was 21 or 22 and my father and I cussed each other out.

When I was 19 and had moved back to Nigeria, I lived w/ my uncle, even though my dad was living somewhere in Lagos.  When I saw my dad, I rushed to him and embraced him.  Instead of doing the same, he asked me what the heck I was crying for and didn't even hug me.  I stepped back from him and never touched him again from that point.

When I was 21 or 22, my mom came back to Nigeria for her dad's funeral.  My mom gave my dad some money and my dad being a wastrel, was already plotting how he'd spend the money.  My uncle took my mom to the airport to check in her bags and my dad was trying to offer me some money.  I declined, he insisted, I declined more vehemently, he insisted again.  I told him how disappointed in him I was that not to seconds after my mom gave him the money, he was so quick to spend it.  He got up from where he was sitting w/ the intent on hitting me.  I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a very large fork and told him that if he laid one hand on me, I'd hurt him.  He left and disowned me.  I retorted, "how can you disown someone you don't know."

Even when I got married, my dad didn't show up for my wedding.  Not because he couldn't make it from Nigeria to here but because when he received the invitation, he saw his name wasn't on the RSVP list.  He was offended that my ex husband and I didn't put his name on the RSVP list so he refused to show.  True to his word, he didn't.

*aside: how could we have put his name on the RSVP list when he's in Nigeria?  the point of the RSVP list is to call and RSVP so that we, the couple, will have a clear number of people coming to the wedding, right?  Just wanted to make sure and see if we were in the wrong (dripping sarcasm).*

So, there it is.  I thought I'd put it all out of my mind, but it's still there at the forefront.

Comments

leggy said…
you'll be fine.one day, hes going to look back and realise what he lost.
inStilettos said…
ok as a woman who didn't see her dad for 5 years, I'll say please write your dad!... now my dad's gone and what I think is how much i miss him... lady! my dad was different but not that different... you'll find that with age they do become wiser... think about it and let your heart guide you. There's really very li'l wisdom in these things!
doll said…
sorry to hear about this
YankeeNaija said…
@Doll: You get over it pretty quickly

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