My (random) thoughts

Before I begin, I'd like to dedicate this post to SimiSpeaks. She is and has been my biggest cheerleader. She's always on my ass about keeping on top of my blog and I appreciate her for that. The idea for this post came from me waking up early one morning, at around five a.m. and going downstairs, trying to find something to watch on t.v. I channel surfed for a while and landed on Joel Osteen's sermon. The man is genius, I couldn't change the channel. He said something that finally made sense to me today. He said that all we go through, the trials, tribulations, are there to get us ready. Stay with me, you'll get it in a minute, took me about two days to get it. He talked of he and his wife being sued by the new owners of the home they had sold. The suit lasted for six long months and Osteen was beside himself with fear and anxiety. Ultimately the suit was thrown out and he and his wife moved on. Three years later, he was being sued again, but he said that ...

I wanted to make it a point to have a post for today, being the first of the month. I wanted to make a mark on today. The thought for this post came to me as I was on facebook and I was looking at pictures from friends' pages and it hit me: regret. My life is not what I pictured it. It is not in the vicinity of where I thought I'd be or who I'd be. Regret is something I know of too well. In my case, hindsight seems to be the only form of vision I have. Granted, there's no way to turn back time, because trust me, I've tried, but I'm starting to accept that I have to choose my steps carefully and with my newly awakened state, I think I can now have foresight instead of only hindsight. I think back to my earliest memory, I believe I can remember as far back as being almost two, when my sister was born, and wonder where it all went wrong? Where did I make the wrong turn at the crossroads that led me to the life I'm living now? I know that many would say that the...

The concept of loving one's self is something we all know, true? But the question begs, how many of us REALLY do it???? When you love yourself, truly cherish yourself, do you do things to yourself that aren't good for yourself? I ask this because I've been on a journey of self discovery. My eyes have been open to the fact that I haven't loved my self as much as I should have. I haven't treated my self with the respect that my self deserves. I've, more or less, shortchanged my self. I've always known what I wanted out of life, but I haven't allowed my self to get them. I've, in some way or another, stymied my self from getting the gold and I couldn't understand why? It may have been fear, it may have been doubt, it couldn've been a multitude of things but the point is, I disillusioned my self from getting what my self deserved. When I came to the realization, I was shocked. Shocked I tell you because I thought all this time that I lo...

I broke up with my boyfriend on July 31st at around seven fifteen in the morning. We started dating on March 31st. Four months and it's over. This was the man I thought I'd be spending my life with but alas, it's not to be. I'm sure I'll find the silver lining in all this and who's to say we won't reconnect but for right now, this is the best decision that could've been made. I mourn the loss of this relationship because unlike past relationships, this felt RIGHT. I'll always love him. I'll continue to think of him. I wish him nothing but love, peace and happiness. And most importantly, I wish the same for myself. this little bit is added today, May 15, 2010. I was going through my old posts and felt the need to make a comment about this post. the guy I broke up with, we are not friends, nor will we ever be friends. I do not love him, in fact, I loathe him. I have become a different person, done things against my nature because of hi...

The old adage, forgive and forget, I wonder sometimes if it's a concept that truly exists. I'm venting on behalf of a beloved friend who I pray will have the peace she prays for. Here's the scenario : My friend Beth (I don't think she'll mind me telling her name) is an amazing woman, fearless in fact . I love her. She's like a second sister to me. I've known her for a while but really got to know her a couple years ago. Hers has not been an easy life, but she's a survivor and has never given up although there were times when she wanted to cave in, but I think through her faith in God and shear will, she has persevered . Beth hasn't followed the normal route as far as life is concerned, i.e. going straight to college after high school, getting married before having a kid. She's always followed the beat of her own drum, to the consternation of her family. The crux of the matter is: Beth is thirty-two years old, has a child and has never gon...

My boyfriend has this theory that each of us has thousands and thousands of heart strings and they get broken now and again for different reasons. He says, some are to be expected whether it be through disappointment or things of that nature, unintentional snapping of the strings. Those are not fatal and will not hurt you too much. But, there are those things, situations, events, occurrences that when they break your heart strings, depending on how many strings are broken, can hurt and take a while to recover. Our conversation about said heart strings revolved around a male/female relationship (i.e. marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend). He stated that the person that you're with will break some heart strings, unintentionally. But, when they intentionally break your heart strings, they have a certain number of chances before you cut them loose. That brings me FINALLY to the intention of this blog and it's a question, but first, let me prepare the scenario: My love and I were having ...

I'm listening to the song from P-square "No one be like you" and I'm thinking about my love, yes you heard right, my love. We've been together for six weeks now and are madly in love with one another. Who would've guessed, right? That's what led to this blog. Prior to this relationship, I was involved with a good man, but we weren't a couple. We were friends, good friends, but nonetheless, friends with benefits. It felt like a relationship, tasted like a relationship but it wasn't. We were REALLY good friends who enjoyed each other and each other's company but we didn't make THAT commitment. In that scenario, I knew that something was lacking. I knew that it wasn't whole. It wasn't complete. But, being with my baby, it feels whole, complete. I guess the previous relationship suited my needs because I don't think I was ready to make that level of commitment to anyone, I wasn't healed. But God brought this wonderful...

The previous blog in which I finally exorcised myself of the past has infact allowed me to move on. I've moved on and that portion is now a closed case, never to be revisisted again. I'm definitely glad for it and I'm happy. I'm free. Funny how release is a gift we sometimes forget to give ourselves. Again I'll say it, I'm free. On another note, I'm in a relationship. Yes, a relationship. I'm dating a GOOD MAN. Yes class say it with me, a GOOD MAN. I have to pinch myself everyday because the characteristics of this man are all I've wanted. Premature, maybe, but it just FEELS right. It feels as it should feel. It's like the breeze, easy and free. He makes me laugh, and oh, how I laugh and the best part, I make him laugh, although he'll claim it's the side effects of the medication he's being weaned off of (he's not on any medication). I was so busy looking for what I thought I had to have (tall, lean Nigerian brotha) w...

I need to get something off my chest: I carry a torch for a man who encompasses what I want in the ideal man. Funny thing is, there is no ideal right? I know that but I still think he's peachy keen. Anyway, I need to vomit all I've been feeling, that way, I can FINALLY get over dude. Let me start at the beginning... I lived in Nigeria from 95-98. I lived with my favorite uncle, who is like a second dad to me, but I digress. In 1995, I was 19 years old, fat and completely isolated myself from people my age. About a year later, I lost all the weight and became a social butterfly, of sorts, thanks to my uncle who pushed me to get to know the kids my age in my hood. One of my neighbors, who I'll call David, cause he looked like Craig David and I became friends. I had such a mad crush on him. I thought he was the bee's knees, the real cat's meow. The feeling was mutual. It started out innocently enough but the attraction grew and one thing led to another and we became in...

God does indeed have a great sense of humor. How do I know? I just do. What brings me to this conclusion is the fact that, until recently, I have not have had any desires to get involved with ANY man for the duration of the Nursing Program I'm currently involved in because: one - the Nursing Program is too stressful; two - having to deal with another person's drama will take up too much of my time and three - I can't deal with someone who can't understand that I won't be available to chat for maybe weeks at a time or at least just on weekends, as long as there are no exams. I listen to the stories from some of my classmates about how their SO's are upset because they're not the center of attention. I simply thank God. So, what is the deal with me thinking that God has a great sense of humor? I'll explain. I am, by Webster's definition, the most guy crazy broad one will ever meet. Seriously. When I meet an attractive guy, have his first and l...

I'm on a journey. This journey is unlike any journey. This journey is to take me to my Father. This journey is to bring me closer to my God, my Baba, my Papa...you get the idea. It took me a long time to get to the place where I'm finally ready to take this journey. It's a shame really because my family is steeped in God and for whatever reason, it passed me by. But I have to reevaluate my earlier thought about it being a shame. Is it? I'm not going to say, "better late than never" because I feel in this case it doesn't apply. It's more about the timing being right. I'm a coconut head. Meaning, I'm so hardheaded, it's not even funny. For an idea to finally get in, my head, like a coconut, has to be split, metaphorically speaking of course, for it to sink in. Trust me, my head has been split, well well. I thank God, truly, for His Grace and Mercy and Kindness. Why? He has been patiently waiting for me all this time to make my ...

I'm going through a divorce and ending a marriage that lasted two years. Two long, hard and hurtful years. I married a monster, an evil man. When I say evil, I mean evil like when we were kids and we had to have on night lights because we were afraid of the boogeyman. That kind of evil. A man free of any sort of remorse. A man with no conscience. More on this character later. Trust me, I will totally spill the beans but things have to be in place first. Anyway, when my marriage first ended, I was of the mind that I was free and I could move on and find the one for me, the one to truly love me the way I'd always known I'd be loved, my soulmate. Needless to say, I'm still single. Sure there are men out there who are interested but the problem is, I'm not. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of giving away my heart. I'm afraid of trusting someone so completely and utterly. I'm afraid of being myself. With my soon to be ex-husband, I trusted him impli...

This is not entirely about love or even the idea of love. I may be wrong, I'll just keep writing till I get the jist of this blog. February 14 we all know as the day to profess our love to those around us or use as an excuse to let that someone you've had an eye on for some time know you're into them. But why just this one day? Why not do this on any other day? Why be predictable? While praying on February 14th, it dawned on me that we use this day to tell everyone we love them but while thanking my Father, the Most High God, I thanked Him for loving me everyday of my life, not just this particular day. Mind you, I have nothing against Valentine's day. I just thought it was interesting that this particular day was put aside to help remind us to show in some fashion our love for those around us.

Passion. Can we ever get enough of it? I don't think so. Can we have passion without love? Can it have emotional strings attached or can it be just a physical coming together of two souls who just need some at that moment? Dictionary.com defines passion as: 1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate. 2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor. 3. strong sexual desire; lust. 4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire. Can it be controlled? I guess it depends on the individual(s). Some can harness their passion while others can't. I'm one of those that would like to think I harness it, but it always seems to seep out. This is what I consider an example of passion. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=es6V51wp7xQ

I love the New Year. It allows for a new start, a new beginning. This is when you make the plan for how the rest of the year will pan out. Yes, I feel different. I feel it in my skin, it's actually tingling. I get to leave the past in the past. I'll take with me the lessons I'll need on this new journey, but this year, God, my blessed Father, has allowed me for one, to live long enough to see this year and two, to make it the way I want it to be. I have a new slate on which to write on and I'm choosing my words carefully. I'm excited to see how this year is going to be and what it will bring. Of course, there is a template to follow but like this blog, it will be filled with my hopes and dreams and the fruition of those dreams. As cliched as it may sound, this is the beginning of the rest of my life. I look forward to the journey and the many roads it will take me. God has blessed me and has already blessed this year.