I need to get something off my chest:

I carry a torch for a man who encompasses what I want in the ideal man. Funny thing is, there is no ideal right? I know that but I still think he's peachy keen. Anyway, I need to vomit all I've been feeling, that way, I can FINALLY get over dude. Let me start at the beginning...

I lived in Nigeria from 95-98. I lived with my favorite uncle, who is like a second dad to me, but I digress. In 1995, I was 19 years old, fat and completely isolated myself from people my age. About a year later, I lost all the weight and became a social butterfly, of sorts, thanks to my uncle who pushed me to get to know the kids my age in my hood.

One of my neighbors, who I'll call David, cause he looked like Craig David and I became friends. I had such a mad crush on him. I thought he was the bee's knees, the real cat's meow. The feeling was mutual. It started out innocently enough but the attraction grew and one thing led to another and we became intimate. It was a one time thing. I'm laughing right now because it's amazing how when I imagined what it would be like to be intimate with him, I had such high expectations. Needless to say, being about twenty years old, it was what it was. I heard no rockets exploding, no fireworks went off. It was like after a comedian tells a joke, the audience is dead silent, crickets are heard. It was like that. My crush disappeared. I no longer hung on his every word and the sight of him no longer made me weak in the knees. Let's say this happened on a Tuesday and I kind of needed a couple days to sort out my feelings and felt good about the fact that I wasn't into him anymore. Go figure.

On Thursday, same week mind you, we're hanging out at David's house, platonically, and in walks his friend, Thomas. When I first met Thomas, he was rude. David introduced us and Thomas didn't even glance at me, the bugger barely even uttered a hello. I took that as my cue to leave and told David I'd see him later.

After Thomas had gone, David came over and asked me if I wanted to hang out with he and Thomas the next day at the beach. I refused at first, specifically because Thomas would be there but David talked me into it. Next day, Friday, David, with Thomas in the car, pick me up and we headed out to the beach, but before we got to the beach, David picked up some chick and the four of us made our way to the beach. Once there, David left with chick so that left Thomas and myself to chit chat. Ha! Arrogant bugger, was all that went through my head, but the funniest thing happened, Thomas started to talk to me. He actually made small talk. Saying I was floored is an understatement.

After the four of us left the beach, David dropped off chick somewhere and the three of us headed to a cabana-type spot. David told Thomas and I he'd be back, he had to run some errands and so Thomas and I chilled, getting to know one another. We actually made jokes and were laughing. Then Thomas whipped it out: the lighter. He smoked. Side note: ( I hate cigarettes and don't really like that people smoke so it was a sore spot to me that he did.) He picked up on the fact that I wasn't too happy about the smoking but he proceeded to light his cigarette anyway. The lighter wouldn't work. He tried it several times, still, it wouldn't work. I told him maybe that was a sign he should stop smoking and he said that he could get it to work. I told him not likely so we made a wager. The wager was that if it didn't work, he'd give up smoking and if it did, I'd have to kiss him (his idea, not mine) but being as cocksure as I was, I took that bet. Tell me what kind nonsense this boy dey do where he blow the hole of the lighter and did some abracadabra nonsense, tried the lighter and presto, it worked. See me, see wahala.

I did everything I could to talk him out of the kiss even pretended we made no such bet, that he was imagining the hole scenerio, no go. I resigned myself to the fact that I'd lost and he leaned in and kissed me. Soft kiss, no tongue, at first. That first kiss was as light as a feather but it sparked something in me that I'd never felt before. After the kiss, I just sort of looked at him, wide eyed, not even sure of what I was to do next. The only thing I knew for sure was I didn't want him to stop kissing me, ever. We leaned toward each other and kissed again, kiss just got better. Holy Lord!! How, what, why, when, how...I just couldn't think straight.

When David came back from his errand, it was time to go, but something had changed. Something significant had taken place. Unfortunately, I didn't appreciate the significance of what had happened till much too late, more on that later.

When we get back home, I'm sitting in the back with Thomas and before I get out, we kiss, passionately and he tells me he'll see me tomorrow and I practically float to my gate, through the gate, through the house door, upstairs, into my room. I floated.

Next day, I'm chatting with a friend of mine, Matilda and she tells me about a party her friend's cousin is having and would I like to go. I tell her I'd like to go but I want to know if Thomas would like to go too. I told her I'd let her know later on. Thomas comes over and as I stand by the kitchen door, he comes through the gate and he has the most fantastic walk. He just looks gorgeous. I'm assessing his shoulders (great shoulders), his height (6'2) and his thighs (thick). Side note: (I have an absolute weakness for men's thighs.) He looks nowhere else but at me and vice versa. He comes into the kitchen and no words are spoken and we kiss. I can only liken the sensation to being deprived of water for days and finally being allowed to drink and going nuts.

We eventually come up for air and we talk about the party and he's all for it. Yeah!!! We hang out for a bit and he goes back to his dorm. I let Matilda know I'll be going with her to the party and tell her that Thomas will be coming with.

Day of party and I make sure I look especially cute for you know who and talk my uncle's mechanic into driving me to Thomas's dorm so I can pick him up so we can go to the party. We get to his dorm and he's not there. His roommate says he went somewhere but he'd be back soon. I wait about half and hour and nothing, so I leave a note with the address of where the party is and I make my way there.

I get to the party and Matilda's not there but her friend, whose cousin is throwing the party is so I hang out with her till Thomas shows. A couple hours into it, no Thomas. Needless to say, he never showed. Disappointment didn't even begin to explain what I was feeling. I'm looking really down and Matilda's friend's cousin, a guy, comes up and asks me how I'm doing cause I look sad and I told him I was fine. He asks me if Iwould like anything to eat or drink and I accept. He brought me food and drink and parked himself next to me and we chatted. He was cute, but no Thomas.

The party then moved from the house to some restaurant or club by the water and I went to the docks and just hung out by myself and Matilda's friend's cousin, Albert, found me and started talking to me. He asked me to dance and I acquiesed. We danced, talked and had a ball.

I don't drink so I can't blame it on alcohol so, why did I kiss Albert? We kissed. His kiss wasn't like Thomas's but he was there. After the party, I went home. The next day, still no word from Thomas, Albert came and picked me up and we went to dinner. We talked and got to know each other. Again the next day, still no Thomas but Albert came and took me out again. And again, for the next couple days. I still wondered what happened to Thomas but still no word. Finally, the next week, Thomas came over. I had mixed emotions because I liked him as much as I did but I began to like Albert too and Albert came around when Thomas didn't. Thomas was all smiles while I was battling with what I had to tell him. I told him I'd met someone at the party and that he and I couldn't see each other anymore. He asked me if I was dating the guy and I told him yes and he left. He came back later that week to see me but I asked our boy to not let him in and to tell him I wasn't around. He came back again and the message was relayed to him. He stopped coming and I continued on with Albert.

Needless to say, Albert and I fizzled out and I absolutely regretted choosing him over Thomas. To this day, I regret it. Talk about not moving on right? To the point, where I find myself looking for Thomas in guys I meet. No one ever measures up.

I needed to get this off my chest so I can move on and close that chapter of my life. I need to have closure. I hope this helps. I think about Thomas everyday, ten years later and hope that he's well and happy and wonder if he thinks about me.


Sting said…
How come he stood u up for the party? I guess you are still hung up on it becos of the "what if" factor. The relationship might not have worked out, you'll never know though.

Now that u've gotten it off ur chest, i think u should let go and move on. Easier said than done right?
YankeeNaija said…
@ Sting: That is the million dollar question. I don't know why he didn't show up for the party. The issue is the "what if" factor because I don't know what could've happened. I'd like to think positively and believe he was the one. But again, I'll never know.
Eve said…
first time here.
forget all that
Simi Speaks said…
u moved on now? lol.. ok, ok,ok lemme be serious. how u feelin, now it's been offloaded..

how is wk'end going?
NaijaBabe said…
Chei...ur hardcore o!
NaijaBabe said…
Lol...means you left that fine brotha for the other...u try o!
Afrobabe said…
Did he ever explain??

The boy na mumu jare...don't miss him...yeah like we can just tell our hearts to stop making fools of us..
Simi Speaks said…
eh sister. i know it's off ur chest now. so pls update now..
Oh dear, what a life changing decision. You must now move on, the past is the past.

On your other posts: You must learn to trust and love again. You have no control of what the other person will do. Let God handle the other person. You can't find love if you can't give it.

I like your blog.
i hope writing this will allow u to get the much needed closure to move on

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