My (random) thoughts

Anger is a horrible emotion.  It makes you extreme in the worst way possible.  I was contemplating moving out of my mother's house and completely shunning my family because I was so angry.  Thank you God for bringing back order and for helping me work on having peace in my heart. The thing about family, I've learned, is that although we are genetically linked, we are just people, trying to get along and we feel like we have to because we're related.  When you really think about it, we are individuals who are melded together through genetics and have to figure each other out. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, it's just that yesterday and earlier today, I wished that I had nothing to do with them anymore.  I kept looking within myself to see if I'd be sad if I never saw them again, never knew how their lives were going and I was surprised that I was ok with it.  Aside from my son having his relationship w/ his grandmother and his uncles and aunt, I p...

I wish that God would allow a do over.  Meaning, I wish that God would allow me to do over my life.  Knowing all the things I know now, I feel I'd be better equipped to do things, maybe not perfectly right, but a whole lot better than I'm doing it now. I suppose the idea that knowing what I know now, apart from how I lived my youth, why not make the latter part of my life better?  I'm working on it.  But it feels like it's a slow progression.  I want things to happen at my pace and not just wait for them to happen.  I feel sometimes, like I have to wait for things to be done in an order instead of just taking charge and making them happen. Then I have to ask myself, how did work for me when I'd take the bulls by the horns and my life ended the way it is now because of my decisions and actions?  Wait patiently and allow things to happen how they're supposed to happen. Fucking vicious cycle.

April 25th, 2012 - I miscarried on this day.  I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant with my baby, whom I presumed was a girl.  She would have been the first of many children that my boyfriend, the love of my life, Alex and I, would have had.  She was a miracle for him, because he thought he was incapable of having children and she brought joy to me. January 15th, 2012 - On this day, I fully committed to Alex.  I finally got it.  I finally understood that all the things I was chasing were foolish and had finally found the one person I wanted to be with.  Not just be with but to be around.  I've thought about how I feel about this man and have decided that I'd rather be unhappy with him than deliriously happy with anyone, that's how much I love him.  Love is not even enough to convey my feelings for this man.  The Saturday before the 15th, I questioned why it was I hadn't gotten my soul mate because apparently everyone else had theirs and...

"My parents were married for 30-something years, and he said [it was] because they never wanted to get divorced at the same time," she recalls. "I think you do fall in and out of love and you just keep going, and every time you go through a really difficult phase, you rediscover something new and it just gets better." Read More  http://www.ivillage.com/gwyneth-paltrow-admits-one-her-exes-cheated-her/1-a-424386#ixzz1lEt7iHYc Sign up for  iVillage Special Offers this is a quote I read today in an article by Gwyneth Paltrow.  It speaks such truth about relationships, once you finally find the one that is comfortable and fits.  I've found mine.  We had our first major disagreement yesterday and unlike my usual MO, I didn't turn tail and run and try to find another situation to be in, I called him and we talked it out.  It's amazing and an all new experience to be in a real relationship.  Sure, I've been in relationships, but none worth fighting fo...

I'm very happy to say that this past week was a good week, weight wise.  I've had such a struggle with my weight for a long time.  It was at the point where I thought that I could never get a handle on it and I was not looking forward to seeing each new day.  Now, don't go thinking I was on the verge of suicide or anything, but just having to deal with my struggle with food was not a pleasurable experience.  I was desperate one day and was in search of something, anything, that magic formula that would help me get a handle on my addiction to food and finally put me on the road to weight loss.  I came across this concept called Eat Stop Eat.  Essentially, you eat one day, fast for 24 hrs, then eat and you can fast as much as once a week or every other day.  I tried it, lost a considerable amount of weight but I felt deprived and went nuts with food, gaining all the weight I'd lost plus more.  So one day, I googled Over Eaters anonymous and was tryi...

I revealed to my mom yesterday that her boyfriend has touched me inappropriately by grabbing my ass and has said inappropriate things to me.  She told me that she's been wanting something, leverage I guess, to finally leave him.  She believes me, which is good, but wants to set a trap for him, to give her that extra push to leave him.  Now, I've avoided this man at all costs, even staying in my room all day, especially when he's around and planning my escape routes should he come into the same room I'm in.  My mom wants me to go about my usual routine and that if he does it again, tell him that he should stop and that I'll make her aware of it, and she'll take it from there.  When I spoke w/ my sister and told her my mom's plan, she totally agreed w/ my mom, saying it was the logical thing to do. I greatly disagree! I feel violated by this man and to ask me to put myself in a situation and allow him to touch me again, just so you can have the guts to le...

That is exactly how I feel when I have a casual encounter.  At the time, my body yearns for it, but afterwards, when I'm walking back to my car to get home or to my various destinations, I realized that for the moment, it satisfied my carnal desire but left me wanting for a more substantial situation. I haven't wanted a real relationship in so long, so imagine my surprise that I long for it.  I'm looking for love, looking for companionship, looking for not just a temporary situation, but a relationship. It's taken me close to six years to be at the point where I want to have someone around on  a daily basis, someone I can trust w/ all my good and bad and not worry that this person is going to expose me to the world.  My ex husband did that.  All the good and bad, mainly bad, about me, he broadcast to the world and let them know who I am, in my most private space. After the end of my relationship w/ Munchkin's dad, I found it really hard to trust any man. ...