My (random) thoughts

There's a commercial for a product called Tile.  It helps you find whatever you've lost and the song in the background caught my attention.  Such a beautiful song.  I went in search for the song and just downloaded it after listening to it and reading the lyrics.  There's one line in the song that caught my attention, the title of this post.  I've always had the idea that the person meant for me dreams of me, or at least used to dream of me and that line made me wonder if he still does.  I wonder if he's given up hope of ever finding me and I wonder if he's given up hope that I'll find him?  I haven't thought of "him" in so long and today I remembered he's out there.  I have no idea what he looks like but I feel as if I know "him" because he encompasses all that I desire.  He's the one that God made for me.  He's not perfect, not by any means, but he's wonderfully amazing, kind, funny, smart, witty, loving support...

My dad called me tonight.  My sister had given me a head's up that he would call but it had gone in one ear and out the other.  My dad called.  I heard his voice and I remembered him.  In that less than six minute conversation, I listened to my father speaking and I remembered him.  My sister told me that dad wanted to make amends with his family, the family he had cast aside and forgotten about.  She told me that I should forgive and forget but allow him to know how much hurt he caused.  I had no problem wanting to do that but when it came down to it, I didn't.  I cried.  I choked up during our conversation and tears slid down my face.  And just as quickly as he called, he disconnected.  He asked for my forgiveness and asked about my son.  He said that he'll call back and we'll chat again and then maybe then I'll share with him all that I've felt.  

I'm sitting here on the couch, watching the Golden Globe Awards and thinking about wanting to be kissed.  I miss it.  I miss a lot of things.  I miss the feel of a hand in mine.  I miss the feel of a good, deep, long hug.  I miss the feel of someone else's hand on my body.  I miss it.  But you know, as much as I miss it, I'm not willing to compromise in order to get it.  It's amazing that I now get it.  I'm 42 years old and I finally get it.  "It" being enjoying getting to know me, getting to show me love, getting the opportunity to really figure out what/who I want in my life.  In the past, when I wanted all I'd mentioned earlier, I was willing to have it come from whatever package I saw, not really caring how it came or who it came from, just as long as I had it.  Not any more for damned sure.  I've been single since October 31st, 2017, when the man I was engaged to let me know he wasn't in love with me anymore.  D...

I'm sitting on my couch in the living room, listening to John Mayer's City Love.  I've always loved this song, I've always loved John Mayer but I hadn't listened to his music in a long time.  But I was on the couch, again, last Wednesday and while channel surfing, I landed on MTV and they showed a concert he had performed in L.A. in 2007 and I sat and watched the whole concert.  I don't usually do such but I don't know what compelled me and in doing so, reconnected with songs that at one time had so much meaning to me.  So now, I've searched for those songs and downloaded them, hence why I'm listening to one of them now.  But specifically City Love.  I think the reason this song resonates so much w/ me is that it speaks of love in a way that's untainted.  The kind of love that once you've settled into, is effortless.  I just needed that surge of hope and optimism. I've found in this journey that I'm currently in, I have to remember...

I'm just going to fuck.  This whole love business is for the birds.  I only ever felt this way after the dissolution of my "marriage", where I just didn't want any emotional entanglements, just my physical needs met.  The desire to procreate was of utmost importance at one point, but I wondered today, do I really want marriage, another baby?  I honestly didn't know what I wanted and maybe that's why I have all these failed relationships.  I don't even know where to start because I suppose, it's been ingrained in my head that my mission in life was to get married, have babies and take care of my home.  I wonder what I want?  At present, I have some carnal needs that need to be met but once that's done, then what?  What do I want?  What am I looking for?  Fuck if I know.  I have to deprogram, reprogram myself, start all over.  Fuck me.  

For the longest time, without realizing it, I've lowered my standards, in order to be happy, to be with someone.  I've just accepted hand me down affections, hand me down love, hand me down attention instead of receiving what I deserve, bonafide love, affections and attention.  I'm done w/ that.  This definitely sounds like a rant and it probably is because I just received a text from a guy that I thought had potential but when we had spoken earlier, he said he would call me back in an hour.  3 hours later, he sends me a text saying he's around and if i'm around, we can talk.  I read the text and the old me, the one who reveled in hand me down attention, would have responded because I was desperate for affection but instead, I closed my phone and tossed it back on the table.  Like I said, I'm good.  If he doesn't think I'm worth calling or sticking to a particular time frame, then he's not worth my time.  NO more hand me downs.

I'm sitting in my living room while my son is upstairs, bouncing around in my room, happy, oblivious to how mom is beating herself up internally, going over all her life mistakes and grappling w/ how she now has to learn to live alone or like the idea of living alone.  Romance is not overrated.  Love is not antiquated.  Relationships are not a bygone idea but for the likes of me, they're not to be part of my makeup.  I have wanted them for so long and thought I came close to having them but they continue to become elusive and so now, I am starting to realize that they are not to be part of my lexicon.  Acceptance is easy, practice is hard.  I'm learning to untrain myself in any sort of expectation of anyone or anything from anyone.  I'm learning to be alone, isolated but still part of the human existence.  The irony is that I'm wondering if there's a support group of people who like me, have come to this realization, and are looking for like-mind...