My (random) thoughts

I haven't stopped writing. I may not be writing here but I'm constantly composing in my head.  So many thoughts run through my mind on a daily basis. What I most appreciate about this blog is that it's given my the gift of self-awareness.  It's allowed me to open myself up, examine who I am and see me for who I really am. I have my moments where I'm the nicest person you'll ever meet and the worst person on the planet.  I make no apologies, I am who I am. I've seen a lot in my life and have documented a fair share of it but the thing is there is so much more to see and so my writing can't stop. This was a thought in my head that I had to get down. I miss this place.  I miss my friends from this place.  This was like Wonderland, going down the rabbit hole and encountering some of the most amazing characters I'd ever had the pleasure and privilege to meet.  I love them still and I miss them deeply.

I do A LOT of self analysis and today I finally figured out why I'm fat.  I'm fat because I'm a binge eater and I binge eat because I'm fairly miserable.  It's not that food brings me comfort, it takes my mind off my unhappiness.  I come across as a fairly optimistic and jovial individual but underneath all that I'm truly miserable.  Not to the point where I'd take my life.  Fuck no.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  But I am miserable enough that I eat to the point of distraction, literally.  I think about food so I don't really focus on the fact that my life isn't what I want it to be.  It isn't where I want it to be.  I dream about food, what I'll eat, how I'll eat it, how I'll make it or where I'll buy it, so that I don't focus on me.   (Mind blown)

It's all I have.  It's all I'm after.

So, my parents broke up.   My parents being my mom and stepdad.  They weren't married but were together for a long while.  They broke up a couple years ago but the reason I'm writing about it now is because of a thought that came into my head. A little bit of history... I've known my stepdad since I was 22 years old.  He and my mom were just friends then.  He was super cool.  He just understood me.  He gave me advice that literally changed my life.  He's the reason I married Munchkin's father and why Munchkin even exists.  He was the father I never had.  But things started to change. I didn't notice it at first but then I started noticing that his approach towards me wasn't normal.  He swatted my backside and made a comment about how he loved watching me walk away.  I think the straw that finally broke the camel's back was when I was helping my mom take her braids out, he was behind me and pinched my ass.  I was tot...

I was very brusque with someone today.  A guy I used to be intimate with.  We aren't friends, haven't been friends for a very long time.  He'll send me texts and I ignore them.  He calls, I ignore the calls.  Today, he sent me a text, wondered if I wasn't receiving them or just ignoring him.  I responded.  I let him know I'm ignoring him.  He texts back, wondering why.  I let him know that our time is over and I'm just moving on.  I ask that he respect my wishes to be left alone.  He text back asking what my problem was, why I was upset.  I ask him again to leave me alone.  He still doesn't stop.  He texts me again.  I text back that I don't want to cuss him out, to just leave me alone.  He texts back again.  I let loose.  I ask him to fucking leave me alone and what he's doing is harassing me.  He's still persistent.  I text back to fucking leave me alone and if he persists, I will take...

Finally, I've decided to be prudent.  Finally, I've decided to wait for God to bring "him" instead of me trying to find "him" on my own.  I tried everything, looked everywhere.  I met many men along the way who had certain attributes but not all the qualities I was looking for.  Some have even come quite close but weren't the complete package.  In no way am I saying that I'm looking for perfection because there's no such thing.  I just know what I want and instead of compromising and not getting it in its entirety, I've decided to wait on God to direct me to where "he" is and make it happen. Why now?  Because I decided, on my own, to try and turn my once in a while booty call into a relationship.  Seriously, the guy is the best sex I've had, to date.  He seriously wears me out.  I don't have to masturbate post coitus to have a fulfilling experience.  The other times I've had sex, I've orgasmed, but I wasn't ...

So on Friday, my sister and I decide to go to a Wakekeeping.  I'm driving, so on our way, we stop at the gas station cause I need to fill up on gas.  I pay, pump and go into the store to get my change.  As I'm walking out, I walk gingerly so I don't fall because I'm wearing heels. I look ahead, taking my time as a I walk and in front of me is a guy.  He's parked his minivan in the once empty stall at the gas station and so I'm trying to figure out how to maneuver around his vehicle to get to mine.  He says hello, I say hello.  As I pass him, he asks me what cologne I'm wearing.  I told him that at the moment it was gas.  He laughed.  I let him know I'm wearing Usher for men.  He says it smells good on me.  I thank him.  As I begin to walk away, he engages me in conversation.  He asks my name, I tell him.  He tells me his name.  We chat for a bit and I'm intrigued so when he asks for my number, I give it to him...