My (random) thoughts

I seriously can't believe I survived today.  I made it through today.  So awesome.  I ate fruit for breakfast (pineapples and strawberries) and for a late lunch/dinner, cooked oatmeal w/ ofe ogbono.  very small amount and TONS of water. Tomorrow, watch out.  And I definitely plan on wearing a dress to church on Sunday.  Oh Yeah.

I woke up this morning sort of at a loss as to what to do, what to eat.  Food consumes my thoughts.  I'm afraid to eat for fear that I'll go overboard. Last night, frustrated and looking for any sort of help, I was on youtube and saw something about starving something or other and it showed two women's stories, one who is anorexic and the other who is bulimic.  It led me to trying to see if I could be anorexic cause being bulimic wasn't working out, no kidding. I googled anorexic something or other and came across links to something called The Anorexic Diet.  I looked into it.  I purchased the ebook, read it and promptly asked for my money back. Some of the things they prescribed were sort of the basics for losing weight (drinking lots of water, eating complex carbs, lots of fruits, nuts, not mixing proteins and carbs, exercising), things that somehow got lost in the shuffle, for me. So today, on my way to the Library, I went to Trader Joe's.  I ma...

Another hard day.  I've been binging and purging these last 3 days.  I eat massive amounts of food and purge as much of it as I can.  It's a horrible, vicious cycle and I hate it.  I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a new day, new start so that I can stop.  I hate it.

I started out pretty good (4 egg whites, 1 carton of mushrooms) sauteed and the egg whites fried, with cooking spray.  I tried to make an omelette.  Then got to work and it went down hill from there. Trying to make up for today tomorrow by not consuming so much.

Late in posting. I weighed in today.  Down to 223.2 lbs.  I was pleased. I struggled today.  But at the end of the day, I have to remember it's one day at a time and it won't be easy taking the weight off as it was putting the weight on.  Would that it were, mannnnnnnnnnnn.

I didn't have time to make my egg white/mushroom scramble.  I took my 6 nectarines and 1 bag of grapes.  I had breakfast w/ my boyfriend.  I had an egg mcmuffin, no cheese.  It totaled about 7 points, then when I got to work, I snacked on nectrines.  I went to my prayer group and on my way home, snacked on some grapes, about 2-3 cups.  Just drinking my water now. Sorry for the short post, I'm putting twists in my hair, but needed to get this down.  Continuous prayer for discipline and strength. So the deal is, I was determined to wear a dress today but was so afraid that I wouldn't fit into any of the dresses in my closet so I went to Ross to try and find a dress.  I went to the big mama section, tried on a size 18, 16 and 14W.  NONE of them fit, they were too big. This morning, I picked a dress from my closet, a regular 14, and it fit.  Mind you, I had to wear 2 Spanx and it fit.  Later in the afternoon, I took the Spanx o...

Today was kinda tough.  I had to work today.  I armed myself the best I could, just to make sure I didn't slip today.  It was hard. Last night, I was salivating over the egg whites and mushrooms scramble I had earlier that day and made it this morning.  This time, to make sure I would have enough, in the event I got hungry later on, I had 9 egg whites instead of 6 and 3 cartons of sliced mushrooms (brown ones) instead of 2. I ate half on my way to work and the other half in the latter part of the morning.  I got in to work at 8am and ate the rest around 10 or 11. I also took 6 nectarines, cut 5 oranges into wedges and of course, I forgot my water. I didn't weigh myself this morning because I didn't want to be disappointed.  My jeans felt looser and even my juicy mama arms didn't look so juicy, even though they still are. I left work at 5 but before I left, around 4 something, I started getting hungry.  I have some snacks in my drawer at work...

So today, knowing I shouldn't have because the outcome usually sends me spiraling out of control in the wrong direction, I got on the scale and was pleasantly surprised I had lost some weight, but the day I'm looking forward to is Monday.  I'm looking to see what happens on Monday. Today, I had 6 egg whites and two cartons of mushrooms, not the white button kind but the brown mushrooms.  I sauteed the mushrooms in cooking spray, seasoned them with salt, thyme and black pepper.  I cooked them down then added the egg whites.  I had planned on eating them w/ hot sauce but was talking w/ my boyfriend on the phone and completely forgot.  I also had a very small serving of potatoes with my breakfast. Later on in the day, I had 3 nectarines.  They were good.  Big and juicy. I also drank water today, a liter and a half.  That's probably not enough water, but I made sure I drank some water today. As far as a workout, didn't do any today.  I w...

It's 6:17pm, in Ca and I'm in my room. Just finished an online session for the NCLEX review class I signed up for, which honestly I wish I'd known about months ago, but I digress. I'm in my room right now and refuse to go downstairs, more specifically the refrigerator. Today I ate 3 containers of Dannon Light and Fit Greek yogurt, vanilla flavour and about 4-6 cups of grapes.  Total points value: 15.  I'm assigned 37 points a day with WW but today, I've only used 15.  I know they don't count fruit, but I did.  That's all I've had so far and I haven't had any water, which is sort of disturbing, but I'll fix that. Am I hungry right now?  No.  My issue was and probably always will be mindless eating. For me, food is a drug and, I know I can never compare myself to a drug addict and claim to know how they feel, I can only speak of my experiences. As I was saying, food is my drug.  So much so, that I actually went to an Overeaters Ano...

So it begins.  THIS TIME IS IT, DAMMIT! I don't set goals.  Let me take that back.  I do set goals, but I don't have a game plan in order to reach my goal. My goal is to lose a total of 62-65 lbs, my game plan is to revamp my diet and exercise, completely change my habits and be positive about this whole experience. Since it's after midnight, today will be my official first day.  I'm just tired of being fat.  In a moment, I am going to weigh myself and take measurements.  I'll document all of this.  I'm putting this out here because I need accountability. Be right back... I'm back.  I can't find my tape measure so I won't be able to measure myself.  So I weighed myself and I weigh 227.8 lbs. So, I'll be fully committed to Weight Watchers (that's how I lost 70lbs about 7 yrs ago) and I'll journal what I eat, EVERYTHING I eat. Why am I doing this?  Other than the fact that I'm 36 and will 37 in 3 mths?  I miss my cloth...