My (random) thoughts

I can't speak for anyone else but I know what I'm after, someone who acknowledges me.  Acknowledges my wants, desires, my dreams, thoughts, everything about me.  I just want someone who sees me and regards me.  I've sought that for as long as I can remember.  I don't know if how our parents reared us really has such an impact in our lives, safe to say it does.  My father wasn't too concerned with a wife and kids and my mom, she took care of us, but she had her own issues she had to deal with.  She lost her mother when she was a teenager, her father couldn't stay faithful to one woman so he married just about every woman he could get his hands on.  My mom had her own demons she had to fight so she didn't have time to lavish any sort of attention toward me.  I wonder in my seeking attention I brought upon myself my abusers.  When they saw me, they saw the vulnerability I displayed and in order to feed their sick need, they gave me what I neede...

I believe in true love.  I believe it truly exists.  I haven't experienced it yet but I know it does exist.  Just like a child may never have seen Santa but they know in their heart of hearts that he exists, I too believe that true love, though I have never experienced it, does exist.  The Santa example may not make sense but it goes to the heart of belief.  The belief that despite all the negatives, holding on to that one true feeling, allows one to have hope. I have hope.  I have hope that one day, I too will get to experience that amazing feeling of true love.  Now don't get me wrong, I am a realist at heart but the truth of the matter is that as a realist, the notion of true love, being with the one person who truly understands you, truly knows you, warts and all and loves you in spite of all your flaws is something I have sought my whole life. I'll be 40 in November and I still have hope that I will meet, marry and have a family, the life I w...

Are we really supposed to be with just one person?  Is one person enough?  Can one person really fulfill all our needs? I ask because I'm with a great guy.  I love him.  He loves me.  But there's something lacking.  I know what it is but I can't fully explain but I'll try. I've always had in my mind the ideal man for me.  Someone chivalrous, loving, caring, affectionate.  Someone who loves God.  A true partner.  An amazing friend.  An adept lover.  A father to my son and future children.  Someone funny, intelligent, articulate.  Someone who truly values me.  Someone who can't imagine life without me. That's what I want.  But the man I'm with has someone of those qualities but not all. I've cheated in the past and only because I loved the person but the relationship wasn't enough so I found what I was lacking elsewhere.  Usually what I'm lacking is sex, intimacy. It's hard to explain because m...

I haven't stopped writing. I may not be writing here but I'm constantly composing in my head.  So many thoughts run through my mind on a daily basis. What I most appreciate about this blog is that it's given my the gift of self-awareness.  It's allowed me to open myself up, examine who I am and see me for who I really am. I have my moments where I'm the nicest person you'll ever meet and the worst person on the planet.  I make no apologies, I am who I am. I've seen a lot in my life and have documented a fair share of it but the thing is there is so much more to see and so my writing can't stop. This was a thought in my head that I had to get down. I miss this place.  I miss my friends from this place.  This was like Wonderland, going down the rabbit hole and encountering some of the most amazing characters I'd ever had the pleasure and privilege to meet.  I love them still and I miss them deeply.

I do A LOT of self analysis and today I finally figured out why I'm fat.  I'm fat because I'm a binge eater and I binge eat because I'm fairly miserable.  It's not that food brings me comfort, it takes my mind off my unhappiness.  I come across as a fairly optimistic and jovial individual but underneath all that I'm truly miserable.  Not to the point where I'd take my life.  Fuck no.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  But I am miserable enough that I eat to the point of distraction, literally.  I think about food so I don't really focus on the fact that my life isn't what I want it to be.  It isn't where I want it to be.  I dream about food, what I'll eat, how I'll eat it, how I'll make it or where I'll buy it, so that I don't focus on me.   (Mind blown)

It's all I have.  It's all I'm after.

So, my parents broke up.   My parents being my mom and stepdad.  They weren't married but were together for a long while.  They broke up a couple years ago but the reason I'm writing about it now is because of a thought that came into my head. A little bit of history... I've known my stepdad since I was 22 years old.  He and my mom were just friends then.  He was super cool.  He just understood me.  He gave me advice that literally changed my life.  He's the reason I married Munchkin's father and why Munchkin even exists.  He was the father I never had.  But things started to change. I didn't notice it at first but then I started noticing that his approach towards me wasn't normal.  He swatted my backside and made a comment about how he loved watching me walk away.  I think the straw that finally broke the camel's back was when I was helping my mom take her braids out, he was behind me and pinched my ass.  I was tot...