I can't speak for anyone else but I know what I'm after, someone who acknowledges me.  Acknowledges my wants, desires, my dreams, thoughts, everything about me.  I just want someone who sees me and regards me.  I've sought that for as long as I can remember.  I don't know if how our parents reared us really has such an impact in our lives, safe to say it does.  My father wasn't too concerned with a wife and kids and my mom, she took care of us, but she had her own issues she had to deal with.  She lost her mother when she was a teenager, her father couldn't stay faithful to one woman so he married just about every woman he could get his hands on.  My mom had her own demons she had to fight so she didn't have time to lavish any sort of attention toward me.  I wonder in my seeking attention I brought upon myself my abusers.  When they saw me, they saw the vulnerability I displayed and in order to feed their sick need, they gave me what I needed, attention.

I've wanted someone who loved me, in the most inexplicable way.  I wanted someone who loved me more than he loved himself, if humanly possible.  I know I say I want someone to love me but make no mistake, I want to love that person the way they love me.  I want our love to go beyond words, beyond action, beyond time.  I want everyday with this person to be amazing.  Such a thing is possible.  Imagine.  To love someone, someone who is yours and you have day and night to spend together to talk, laugh, enjoy each other, make love and when the day ends and a new day begins, to be able to do such over and over again.  That's exactly what I want.

The thing about wanting something so much is that when you get it, you lose sight of it because you've wanted it for so long.  I hope it makes sense.  I've wanted this amazing human being for so long that when I had him or rather now that I have him, I didn't see him.  He kept telling me and showing me that he was what I'd been asking for and I didn't hear or see him.

What brought all this to light was my son.  My wise ten year old son.  We were driving to Target because I had errands to run and he said to me, out of the blue, that he now understood why my boyfriend loved me so much.  He went on to say that the qualities that my boyfriend saw in me that he too saw and now had an understanding of the love between us.  I was totally taken aback.  In that moment, I realized that this man, this wonderful man that had professed his love for me over and over again and had shown me in ways that I allowed myself to be blind to, was the answer to my long asked prayer.

This man that God has blessed me with is beautiful.  His side profile is that of a god.  The sound of his voice is like melted caramel and when he says my name or calls me baby or other lovely terms of endearment, it feels like a caress.  He's fair but I call him pale.  I'm dark, he's light.  He calls me his chocolate dream, I call him paleface.  lol.  He thinks it's funny. When we lie together, I wonder at the contrast we make as a pair.  One dark, one light.  It's absolutely fascinating.  I'm not going to wax poetic about us but I'm just coming to the realization that God heard me and gave me the man of my dreams.

This man that is my love, God gave me this man when I was fifteen years old.  I met him when I was fifteen and even then he loved me.  I didn't understand then and I don't understand now but he loves me.  I'm learning to appreciate it and him and I hope that I will continue to appreciate him and show him absolute love, absolute loyalty.


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