My (random) thoughts

I'm 38 years old, young, whatever.  I don't feel old, don't look old but I feel like time is surely passing me by.  I have an amazing son, who is now 9 going on 10.  For the longest time, I always had this idea that I would get married again and have more children.  The reality is that I haven't been married for 9 years and haven't had a long enough relationship to make come true my desire.  I take that back, I haven't had a long enough physical relationship.  I've had a long standing relationship, probably the healthiest, most wonderful relationship I've ever had.  The connection we have is what I've always wanted, the love I receive is what I've always wanted, it's the ideal situation.  The only problem is that it's a platonic relationship.  We didn't start off as platonic, but have gotten to that point.  We love each other, that goes without saying, but the "stars haven't aligned" for us.  He is my ace, my pally, alw...

So, I started therapy.  Therapy, I've come to find out, is good for many issues, not just one.  I dealt with my issue of being molested as  a child and learning the art of forgiveness.  Now, I need therapy to help me overcome my eating disorder.  I'm a compulsive eater and on a good day I suffer from bulimia.  For me, both should go hand in hand but I've haven't been purging but have definitely been eating and have gained about 50lbs.  I know I need help.  I've tried to deal with it on my own and have failed miserably.  There were times I had it under control but it's resurfaced and is kicking my ass.  It rules my life and it's not a great existence. I've been meaning to make an appointment to meet and talk with a therapist but I have done so.  It's an idea that's been floating around in my head but I just remembered now, while penning this, that I need to make an appointment with a therapist. It really sucks, to be carrying ar...

I'm on this new kick: I want to learn how to sew.  I've been obsessed as of late.  It all started w/ Pinterest.  I came across this gorgeous pink wrap dress. I plan on sewing a multitude of items and hopefully be good enough that I'll never have to shop for clothes again, but can make my own.  Oh to dream.

FUCK YOU!!! You fucking hypocrite.  You asshole.  You fucking think you know every fucking thing.  You don't know shit.  No one can ever tell you anything contrary to what you believe.  FUCK YOU!!! Anger expelled.

Being in my current relationship, I look back on past transgressions in previous relationships.  I cheated on one boyfriend.  Granted, he had the emotional capabilities of a billiard ball, but still that's not an excuse.  I cheated on him because I felt emotionally and sexually wanting.  For me, it's one or the other.  If sexually you don't cut it, you had better be, emotionally, the equivalent of Albert Einstein.  Meaning, where you lack in one area, make up for it in others.  He was not very emotional and sexually present, let's just say I spent many post sexual sessions w/ me pleasing myself.  So I looked for what I craved elsewhere and met a great guy, who ultimately became a great friend. With the current relationship I'm in, he goes beyond even my own expectations.  We've been together for almost two months now and haven't made love yet.  We're both waiting for the right time and I'm totally ok with that despite the fact I'm hor...

When your eyes are finally open to the truths that are said to be self-evident, it's amazing how your life changes.  Not just your life, but your way of thinking. We are ever evolving creatures and aren't meant to remain stagnant.  We are created to change, to metamorphosize into greater aspects of ourselves.  There are those of us that are lucky to go about this early in their lives, but there are those of us that are meant to go about this later in life. I've gotten to where I'm just tired of doing the same old same old.  It's just not working.  I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.  I am deeply religious and believe that God wants me to make a change and stop going about my life the hard way and start doing it His way.  His way is easier, His way is way less stressful and His way generates results. I'm 37 years old and I'm finally going to let God have His way with me.  I'm finally going to let God make my life the way it ...

Apparently, it's possible to be completely oblivious to one's short comings.  I was on the phone w/ my baby brother and he schooled me big time.  To the rest of my family (mother, sister, him, maybe even my other brother) I'm totally immature, completely self-involved and lack any sort of motivation.  He said I was a freeloader in my mother's house and I don't contribute in anyway. It's a bitter pill to swallow. I've always felt apart from everybody, like I was put into a family that I just didn't belong to.  If we didn't look alike, I'd think that I was adopted or something. I'm in self-reflective mode right now.  I agree with some of what he said, not with others, but again, he gave me his perspective from the view of an outsider and I believe it was an objective view. I feel like an idiot.  After the conversation, I sat back in my car and asked God why he made me the eldest if I am this way?  I look at other people that are the el...