My (random) thoughts

Life sucks period.  I don't know why I would want to continue it but there's this annoying resiliency within me that won't allow me to give up and I'm grateful,  I suppose.   There's hope in my heart, to see past the negative and focus on the positive.   I'm trying.   I focus so much on my failings that I don't see my successes.   I've decided to see a therapist.   One of my co-workers had success with her therapist so I asked her to give me her therapist's number.   I need to unlock whatever it is within me that causing all of this.   I want to be whole.   I want to be better.   Not jagged pieces with no purpose. 

Yesterday I decided that I was going to end my life.   I've never been happy in this life.  The only thing that's kept me hanging on was my son.  Yesterday, I felt I had finally hit my limit.  Other than alcohol and food, I don't have many vices.  I did research on what would be the best , easiest way to die.  The general consensus was shotgun blast to the head  or chest, overdosing on sleeping pills or self drowning.  My son would be ok.  He's in a better place with his father and I think he's learned enough from me to live a good life.   I've made a mess of this life and I just don't want to live it anymore. 

I had a revelation this morning.  They seem to come as a result of some folly of mine.  Be that as it may, I'm grateful for this revelation.  I know why I have so many failed relationships.  I just choose anyone.  I choose whoever pays me attention.  I know from the onset that they are not what I want or what I need, but I overlook all of that because they pay me attention and they happen to be in my space.  I don't get approached by men.  It could be a multitude of reasons why that doesn't happen, but men don't approach me.  So when one does, even if he is not what I'd be attracted to, the mere fact that he showed interest in me, meant that I had to give in.  I give in because I don't know when next I'll get approached again.  I learned about the concept of loving myself and being comfortable with being alone.  I learned it but I didn't know how to put it into practice.  I didn't know how to go about executing it in or...

I need to get rid of all this energy.  I can't fuck anyone, cause there is no one, so I just joined the gym.  I need to get rid of this energy.  

I've developed a massive crush on one of the managers.  I won't say that I'm the senior manager but I now run the largest location of the company, that's exciting.  But I'm crushing on the newest member of the management team.  He's beautiful.  I can just stare at him all day.  He sits either next to me or across from me during the management meetings and it's not helpful.  He's Mexican, dark hair, dark eyes.  Very intelligent, great sense of humor and when he says my name, I melt.  I had to drive to his location cause I was dropping off donuts to the different sites for the staff and when he and I were interacting, my nether regions were on fire.  I have never felt anything like that before.  Like literally on fire.  I had to leave or I would have kissed him.  The last management meeting we had, he moved his chair and sat next to me and I literally had to hold my left hand because it felt natural to touch his leg and I think ...

There's a commercial for a product called Tile.  It helps you find whatever you've lost and the song in the background caught my attention.  Such a beautiful song.  I went in search for the song and just downloaded it after listening to it and reading the lyrics.  There's one line in the song that caught my attention, the title of this post.  I've always had the idea that the person meant for me dreams of me, or at least used to dream of me and that line made me wonder if he still does.  I wonder if he's given up hope of ever finding me and I wonder if he's given up hope that I'll find him?  I haven't thought of "him" in so long and today I remembered he's out there.  I have no idea what he looks like but I feel as if I know "him" because he encompasses all that I desire.  He's the one that God made for me.  He's not perfect, not by any means, but he's wonderfully amazing, kind, funny, smart, witty, loving support...

My dad called me tonight.  My sister had given me a head's up that he would call but it had gone in one ear and out the other.  My dad called.  I heard his voice and I remembered him.  In that less than six minute conversation, I listened to my father speaking and I remembered him.  My sister told me that dad wanted to make amends with his family, the family he had cast aside and forgotten about.  She told me that I should forgive and forget but allow him to know how much hurt he caused.  I had no problem wanting to do that but when it came down to it, I didn't.  I cried.  I choked up during our conversation and tears slid down my face.  And just as quickly as he called, he disconnected.  He asked for my forgiveness and asked about my son.  He said that he'll call back and we'll chat again and then maybe then I'll share with him all that I've felt.  

I'm sitting here on the couch, watching the Golden Globe Awards and thinking about wanting to be kissed.  I miss it.  I miss a lot of things.  I miss the feel of a hand in mine.  I miss the feel of a good, deep, long hug.  I miss the feel of someone else's hand on my body.  I miss it.  But you know, as much as I miss it, I'm not willing to compromise in order to get it.  It's amazing that I now get it.  I'm 42 years old and I finally get it.  "It" being enjoying getting to know me, getting to show me love, getting the opportunity to really figure out what/who I want in my life.  In the past, when I wanted all I'd mentioned earlier, I was willing to have it come from whatever package I saw, not really caring how it came or who it came from, just as long as I had it.  Not any more for damned sure.  I've been single since October 31st, 2017, when the man I was engaged to let me know he wasn't in love with me anymore.  D...