I'm getting married. That's right! I'm engaged. The interesting thing is that I've been wanting this for a long time but now that it's here, I don't know what to do. If left to me, I would go to the courthouse and get married but the the thing is that there are other people involved, namely my family. So now, that leaves us with planning a wedding and deciding who will be in it. I'm not really there yet so I'll leave that for now. What's on my mind is, I'm not the young bride to be anymore. I'm forty years old, soon to be forty-one, and as excited as I am to begin this new phase of my life, I'm not that excited about the whole planning process. I've been seeing lots of pictures on Instagram and videos on Youtube of lovely weddings but they're all of young people and nothing starring people mine and my fiance's ages. And another thing is we want to take our time with the planning process and not feel rushed but people freak out and think we're looking to have a long and drawn out engagement. You can't win for trying.
I do A LOT of self analysis and today I finally figured out why I'm fat. I'm fat because I'm a binge eater and I binge eat because I'm fairly miserable. It's not that food brings me comfort, it takes my mind off my unhappiness. I come across as a fairly optimistic and jovial individual but underneath all that I'm truly miserable. Not to the point where I'd take my life. Fuck no. Ain't nobody got time for that. But I am miserable enough that I eat to the point of distraction, literally. I think about food so I don't really focus on the fact that my life isn't what I want it to be. It isn't where I want it to be. I dream about food, what I'll eat, how I'll eat it, how I'll make it or where I'll buy it, so that I don't focus on me.