My (random) thoughts

Apparently, it's possible to be completely oblivious to one's short comings.  I was on the phone w/ my baby brother and he schooled me big time.  To the rest of my family (mother, sister, him, maybe even my other brother) I'm totally immature, completely self-involved and lack any sort of motivation.  He said I was a freeloader in my mother's house and I don't contribute in anyway. It's a bitter pill to swallow. I've always felt apart from everybody, like I was put into a family that I just didn't belong to.  If we didn't look alike, I'd think that I was adopted or something. I'm in self-reflective mode right now.  I agree with some of what he said, not with others, but again, he gave me his perspective from the view of an outsider and I believe it was an objective view. I feel like an idiot.  After the conversation, I sat back in my car and asked God why he made me the eldest if I am this way?  I look at other people that are the el...

I must have something written on my forehead or on my person somewhere that says that I am an easy target.  I must be so fucking stupid as well.  After prayer group, I went to the grocery store to get some chicken because I was craving chicken, baked chicken, so I got two whole chickens to bake them.  As I was walking to my car, I opened the door and accidentally hit this guy w/ my car door.  I apologized and he said he was fine and went on to tell me that I had gum on my skirt.  I thought that was odd because I didn't sit anywhere gum would be.  He helped me take the gum off.  At some point, it dawned on me that he was touching my ass under my skirt.  I told him I was fine, that he could leave me alone and I proceeded to take the rest of the gum from my skirt. As I was driving away, it finally dawned on me that there was no gum on my skirt, that he put the gum there in order to touch me, mainly, my ass. I felt so violated, so angry and so st...

Just got off the phone with Oscar and I was reminded, gladly, how not into me this man is.  It's funny how I never saw this.  I'm sure it was always there, but because I was so into him, I assumed he was equally into me.  The same with Alex.  My birthday was on the 8th and he didn't remember my birthday.  So on the 11th, I called Alex and said that I was now officially 37yrs old and he wished me a happy belated birthday.  I called him out for forgetting my birthday and he said that he didn't forget, that he remembered but had other things to do.  I said to him something akin to I was a secondary thought to him and he denied it, of course. So interesting.  Why am I choosing men who, as my mom says, don't regard me as anything?  Here I am thinking I'm this take no prisoners sort of chick but latch onto men who are self-involved and relegate me to the background. I have to break this cycle and at least I'm honest with myself and not brushin...