It's shocking really that I only had one post this year, just one in January. And the thing is that ALOT has gone on from January to now.

I'm in the second phase of my third semester of the Nursing program, I'm still with my guy, granted we had a few bumps along the way but happily have survived it, and I'm growing in the Lord. One might say I'm gaining spiritual maturity.

The Lord is good in that He has done so much in my life and it makes me feel such privilege that He cares for me in such a way. He has lifted me up from the bottom, I mean the BOTTOM and brought me to where I am now, on the verge of living the life He meant for me, created for me, the life which I deviated from. By His infinite mercy, He has given me another opportunity to go back and snatch up that life back. Thank you Lord.

This life is by no means easy. The struggles and pain never end. I guess that's the deal with life, we go through the process and in the end, we get...what? I'm not sure really, other than the stuff we go through somehow makes us better people, in order to overcome the next hurdle. I don't know. I honestly don't know but life is very interesting. For me, cause I can only speak on my behalf, it is interesting. One minute I think I have things figured out, that I've got a handle on things, but shortly after I find out I'm so far off track that really, it's not funny. It's really unnerving because when will I be sure? When will I get to that place where I can say, I've got a handle on my situation, I finally have things figured out? I truly don't know and sometimes wonder will I ever get to that point.

I was thinking today/yesterday, cause right now it's almost one in the morning, about the whole idea of motherhood. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm figuring things out as I go and taking cues from my son to help me figure things out. I even wonder sometimes if it's just me. I see other women with children navigate through these tough waters and seem to have a full grasp on what to do and how to do it and I see myself floundering, but fronting like I know what I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do. Sometimes I have a firm grasp of what my duties are as a mother but other times, I'm just winging it and praying my ever watchful, mindful son with his deep, old man eyes, watching me, doesn't see me as a screw up and realize, when he gets older, that I may have invariably fucked him up. That is so not my intention.

I pray to God to show me how to be a good mother. Really, I do. I want to raise a boy into a well meaning man who can take care of himself and be an asset, not a burden to society and to others. I want him to be self sufficient.

I also had another thought about how after I have more kids, I'll be better at this game, but I don't want it to be at the expense of my son.

I just have to continue to pray for God's wisdom and pray that when my son grows up, he can look at me, adoringly, and say how grateful he is I helped shape him into not just a good man, but a good person. In Jesus name. Amen.


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