My (random) thoughts

Anger is a horrible emotion.  It makes you extreme in the worst way possible.  I was contemplating moving out of my mother's house and completely shunning my family because I was so angry.  Thank you God for bringing back order and for helping me work on having peace in my heart. The thing about family, I've learned, is that although we are genetically linked, we are just people, trying to get along and we feel like we have to because we're related.  When you really think about it, we are individuals who are melded together through genetics and have to figure each other out. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, it's just that yesterday and earlier today, I wished that I had nothing to do with them anymore.  I kept looking within myself to see if I'd be sad if I never saw them again, never knew how their lives were going and I was surprised that I was ok with it.  Aside from my son having his relationship w/ his grandmother and his uncles and aunt, I p...

I wish that God would allow a do over.  Meaning, I wish that God would allow me to do over my life.  Knowing all the things I know now, I feel I'd be better equipped to do things, maybe not perfectly right, but a whole lot better than I'm doing it now. I suppose the idea that knowing what I know now, apart from how I lived my youth, why not make the latter part of my life better?  I'm working on it.  But it feels like it's a slow progression.  I want things to happen at my pace and not just wait for them to happen.  I feel sometimes, like I have to wait for things to be done in an order instead of just taking charge and making them happen. Then I have to ask myself, how did work for me when I'd take the bulls by the horns and my life ended the way it is now because of my decisions and actions?  Wait patiently and allow things to happen how they're supposed to happen. Fucking vicious cycle.

April 25th, 2012 - I miscarried on this day.  I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant with my baby, whom I presumed was a girl.  She would have been the first of many children that my boyfriend, the love of my life, Alex and I, would have had.  She was a miracle for him, because he thought he was incapable of having children and she brought joy to me. January 15th, 2012 - On this day, I fully committed to Alex.  I finally got it.  I finally understood that all the things I was chasing were foolish and had finally found the one person I wanted to be with.  Not just be with but to be around.  I've thought about how I feel about this man and have decided that I'd rather be unhappy with him than deliriously happy with anyone, that's how much I love him.  Love is not even enough to convey my feelings for this man.  The Saturday before the 15th, I questioned why it was I hadn't gotten my soul mate because apparently everyone else had theirs and...