My (random) thoughts

Life sucks period.  I don't know why I would want to continue it but there's this annoying resiliency within me that won't allow me to give up and I'm grateful,  I suppose.   There's hope in my heart, to see past the negative and focus on the positive.   I'm trying.   I focus so much on my failings that I don't see my successes.   I've decided to see a therapist.   One of my co-workers had success with her therapist so I asked her to give me her therapist's number.   I need to unlock whatever it is within me that causing all of this.   I want to be whole.   I want to be better.   Not jagged pieces with no purpose. 

Yesterday I decided that I was going to end my life.   I've never been happy in this life.  The only thing that's kept me hanging on was my son.  Yesterday, I felt I had finally hit my limit.  Other than alcohol and food, I don't have many vices.  I did research on what would be the best , easiest way to die.  The general consensus was shotgun blast to the head  or chest, overdosing on sleeping pills or self drowning.  My son would be ok.  He's in a better place with his father and I think he's learned enough from me to live a good life.   I've made a mess of this life and I just don't want to live it anymore.