My (random) thoughts

There's a commercial for a product called Tile.  It helps you find whatever you've lost and the song in the background caught my attention.  Such a beautiful song.  I went in search for the song and just downloaded it after listening to it and reading the lyrics.  There's one line in the song that caught my attention, the title of this post.  I've always had the idea that the person meant for me dreams of me, or at least used to dream of me and that line made me wonder if he still does.  I wonder if he's given up hope of ever finding me and I wonder if he's given up hope that I'll find him?  I haven't thought of "him" in so long and today I remembered he's out there.  I have no idea what he looks like but I feel as if I know "him" because he encompasses all that I desire.  He's the one that God made for me.  He's not perfect, not by any means, but he's wonderfully amazing, kind, funny, smart, witty, loving support...

My dad called me tonight.  My sister had given me a head's up that he would call but it had gone in one ear and out the other.  My dad called.  I heard his voice and I remembered him.  In that less than six minute conversation, I listened to my father speaking and I remembered him.  My sister told me that dad wanted to make amends with his family, the family he had cast aside and forgotten about.  She told me that I should forgive and forget but allow him to know how much hurt he caused.  I had no problem wanting to do that but when it came down to it, I didn't.  I cried.  I choked up during our conversation and tears slid down my face.  And just as quickly as he called, he disconnected.  He asked for my forgiveness and asked about my son.  He said that he'll call back and we'll chat again and then maybe then I'll share with him all that I've felt.  

I'm sitting here on the couch, watching the Golden Globe Awards and thinking about wanting to be kissed.  I miss it.  I miss a lot of things.  I miss the feel of a hand in mine.  I miss the feel of a good, deep, long hug.  I miss the feel of someone else's hand on my body.  I miss it.  But you know, as much as I miss it, I'm not willing to compromise in order to get it.  It's amazing that I now get it.  I'm 42 years old and I finally get it.  "It" being enjoying getting to know me, getting to show me love, getting the opportunity to really figure out what/who I want in my life.  In the past, when I wanted all I'd mentioned earlier, I was willing to have it come from whatever package I saw, not really caring how it came or who it came from, just as long as I had it.  Not any more for damned sure.  I've been single since October 31st, 2017, when the man I was engaged to let me know he wasn't in love with me anymore.  D...