My (random) thoughts

I revealed to my mom yesterday that her boyfriend has touched me inappropriately by grabbing my ass and has said inappropriate things to me.  She told me that she's been wanting something, leverage I guess, to finally leave him.  She believes me, which is good, but wants to set a trap for him, to give her that extra push to leave him.  Now, I've avoided this man at all costs, even staying in my room all day, especially when he's around and planning my escape routes should he come into the same room I'm in.  My mom wants me to go about my usual routine and that if he does it again, tell him that he should stop and that I'll make her aware of it, and she'll take it from there.  When I spoke w/ my sister and told her my mom's plan, she totally agreed w/ my mom, saying it was the logical thing to do. I greatly disagree! I feel violated by this man and to ask me to put myself in a situation and allow him to touch me again, just so you can have the guts to le...

That is exactly how I feel when I have a casual encounter.  At the time, my body yearns for it, but afterwards, when I'm walking back to my car to get home or to my various destinations, I realized that for the moment, it satisfied my carnal desire but left me wanting for a more substantial situation. I haven't wanted a real relationship in so long, so imagine my surprise that I long for it.  I'm looking for love, looking for companionship, looking for not just a temporary situation, but a relationship. It's taken me close to six years to be at the point where I want to have someone around on  a daily basis, someone I can trust w/ all my good and bad and not worry that this person is going to expose me to the world.  My ex husband did that.  All the good and bad, mainly bad, about me, he broadcast to the world and let them know who I am, in my most private space. After the end of my relationship w/ Munchkin's dad, I found it really hard to trust any man. ...

I get it now, when a man, who is either in a committed relationship or married, has sex w/ another woman and says that it's just sex.  I get it now.  I'm watching the story of Jacqueline Kennedy, in her own words, and there's a scene where President Kennedy removes a stray hair from her face, I see such tenderness in that display and see that he loves her so much, but he was a man and had needs.  I get it now.  It doesn't mean I like it or would ever condone it, but I get it.

When it boils down to it, all I want is a nice guy.  He may be rich, poor, preferably employed, but still a nice guy.  Someone kind, takes my feelings into consideration.  Working for a dating service, I talk to people everyday and find out what they're looking for and it makes me wonder what I want from someone.  I'm now getting to know someone and he seems very nice.  From the get go, he was nice and continues to be nice and it doesn't hurt that he's very attractive as well.  Mind you, I've had my share of situations and in the end, I look for kindness.  Kindness, sense of humor, understanding.  you have that, you're on the right track.

I read this quote from Maya Angelou, where she said, I'm just paraphrasing, to be ready to receive whatever it is you've asked for.  Ain't that the truth!  I've asked God for understanding, wisdom, insight and boy! did I get it.  I envy those who instinctively understand the goings on of life and can freely navigate and not fall into the different pits that lay before us.  Sadly, that is not the case with me.  I'm one of those that has to fall into just about every pit and figure out how to get myself out and not only do I have to dig my way out, figure out how NOT to fall into the next one.  My theory is that those who KNOW have been here before.  They've lives so many different lives that they get it.  They've traversed all the minefields and now know when to step over them, in order to avoid getting blown up.  I am grateful to God that I'm not going through this alone.  He is with me and in the end, I'll have everything...

We are constantly evolving, as individuals, so I presume that means that we never stop learning.  We have our victories, sure, but we too have our failures and I believe that these failures allow us to learn and be better.  When we are on a path and we either lose our way or trip and fall, we have to be adjusted. I guess the reason for this, whatever it can be called, is because I fell.  I was on the right path, on my way to my destiny, but at my first test after my transformation, I failed and failed miserably.  But I have learned that I must take from this failure the lesson I'm supposed to learn.  I feel this failure is to show me that I have to be on guard at all times, be aware of what's going on, spiritually and physically.  I cannot presume to know everything, for I would be a fool.  Although I feel like a fool at the moment, but it's this moment where I have to make the decision to either stay down or get back up, dust myself off and continue...

I HATE DRAMA!  So, why am I embroiled in it?  at work, of all places?  I have "beef" with my manager.  Can you imagine?  Truth be told, I'm indifferent towards her.  If she were to drop somewhere, I'd walk over her and be on my merry way.  She is not a human being.  She's callous, cold, selfish, lacks any esteem.  She's a sad human being.  Working with this woman is the epitome of being in purgatory. Funny how this place is where I seek a place to vent, rant, get rid of all that bugs me to no end. I miss my peeps, being involved in their dailies by reading their blogs daily.  I feel disconnected from them somehow.  Like any relationship, if one invests in it, then the other party reciprocates.  Life is very interesting in that no matter how old you get, you're a perpetual student. God is good in that He allows me the privilege of learning and growing. Thank you God.