My (random) thoughts

It's currently 2203 on August 16th, 2022.  It's been four years since my last post.  A lot's changed in four years.  I'm forty-six years old now.  Munchkin's eighteen and starts his college in a couple weeks.  Time has surely flown.   Two of my three siblings have gotten married, one has a child.   I met someone and it's serious.   I work for an organization, but I'm ready to go off on my own and chase my passions.   I'm filled with trepidation, but I have to overcome the fear and doubt.  I am able.  I am capable.   I'm addicted to Tik Tok, but the addiction comes with lots of knowledge of lots of things, not dances.  I've yet to perform the dances. That's it for now.  I have to go and get ready for work tomorrow, but I'll be back.   I've missed my online diary, my outlet.  

Life sucks period.  I don't know why I would want to continue it but there's this annoying resiliency within me that won't allow me to give up and I'm grateful,  I suppose.   There's hope in my heart, to see past the negative and focus on the positive.   I'm trying.   I focus so much on my failings that I don't see my successes.   I've decided to see a therapist.   One of my co-workers had success with her therapist so I asked her to give me her therapist's number.   I need to unlock whatever it is within me that causing all of this.   I want to be whole.   I want to be better.   Not jagged pieces with no purpose. 

Yesterday I decided that I was going to end my life.   I've never been happy in this life.  The only thing that's kept me hanging on was my son.  Yesterday, I felt I had finally hit my limit.  Other than alcohol and food, I don't have many vices.  I did research on what would be the best , easiest way to die.  The general consensus was shotgun blast to the head  or chest, overdosing on sleeping pills or self drowning.  My son would be ok.  He's in a better place with his father and I think he's learned enough from me to live a good life.   I've made a mess of this life and I just don't want to live it anymore. 

I had a revelation this morning.  They seem to come as a result of some folly of mine.  Be that as it may, I'm grateful for this revelation.  I know why I have so many failed relationships.  I just choose anyone.  I choose whoever pays me attention.  I know from the onset that they are not what I want or what I need, but I overlook all of that because they pay me attention and they happen to be in my space.  I don't get approached by men.  It could be a multitude of reasons why that doesn't happen, but men don't approach me.  So when one does, even if he is not what I'd be attracted to, the mere fact that he showed interest in me, meant that I had to give in.  I give in because I don't know when next I'll get approached again.  I learned about the concept of loving myself and being comfortable with being alone.  I learned it but I didn't know how to put it into practice.  I didn't know how to go about executing it in or...

I need to get rid of all this energy.  I can't fuck anyone, cause there is no one, so I just joined the gym.  I need to get rid of this energy.  

I've developed a massive crush on one of the managers.  I won't say that I'm the senior manager but I now run the largest location of the company, that's exciting.  But I'm crushing on the newest member of the management team.  He's beautiful.  I can just stare at him all day.  He sits either next to me or across from me during the management meetings and it's not helpful.  He's Mexican, dark hair, dark eyes.  Very intelligent, great sense of humor and when he says my name, I melt.  I had to drive to his location cause I was dropping off donuts to the different sites for the staff and when he and I were interacting, my nether regions were on fire.  I have never felt anything like that before.  Like literally on fire.  I had to leave or I would have kissed him.  The last management meeting we had, he moved his chair and sat next to me and I literally had to hold my left hand because it felt natural to touch his leg and I think ...

There's a commercial for a product called Tile.  It helps you find whatever you've lost and the song in the background caught my attention.  Such a beautiful song.  I went in search for the song and just downloaded it after listening to it and reading the lyrics.  There's one line in the song that caught my attention, the title of this post.  I've always had the idea that the person meant for me dreams of me, or at least used to dream of me and that line made me wonder if he still does.  I wonder if he's given up hope of ever finding me and I wonder if he's given up hope that I'll find him?  I haven't thought of "him" in so long and today I remembered he's out there.  I have no idea what he looks like but I feel as if I know "him" because he encompasses all that I desire.  He's the one that God made for me.  He's not perfect, not by any means, but he's wonderfully amazing, kind, funny, smart, witty, loving support...

My dad called me tonight.  My sister had given me a head's up that he would call but it had gone in one ear and out the other.  My dad called.  I heard his voice and I remembered him.  In that less than six minute conversation, I listened to my father speaking and I remembered him.  My sister told me that dad wanted to make amends with his family, the family he had cast aside and forgotten about.  She told me that I should forgive and forget but allow him to know how much hurt he caused.  I had no problem wanting to do that but when it came down to it, I didn't.  I cried.  I choked up during our conversation and tears slid down my face.  And just as quickly as he called, he disconnected.  He asked for my forgiveness and asked about my son.  He said that he'll call back and we'll chat again and then maybe then I'll share with him all that I've felt.  

I'm sitting here on the couch, watching the Golden Globe Awards and thinking about wanting to be kissed.  I miss it.  I miss a lot of things.  I miss the feel of a hand in mine.  I miss the feel of a good, deep, long hug.  I miss the feel of someone else's hand on my body.  I miss it.  But you know, as much as I miss it, I'm not willing to compromise in order to get it.  It's amazing that I now get it.  I'm 42 years old and I finally get it.  "It" being enjoying getting to know me, getting to show me love, getting the opportunity to really figure out what/who I want in my life.  In the past, when I wanted all I'd mentioned earlier, I was willing to have it come from whatever package I saw, not really caring how it came or who it came from, just as long as I had it.  Not any more for damned sure.  I've been single since October 31st, 2017, when the man I was engaged to let me know he wasn't in love with me anymore.  D...

I'm sitting on my couch in the living room, listening to John Mayer's City Love.  I've always loved this song, I've always loved John Mayer but I hadn't listened to his music in a long time.  But I was on the couch, again, last Wednesday and while channel surfing, I landed on MTV and they showed a concert he had performed in L.A. in 2007 and I sat and watched the whole concert.  I don't usually do such but I don't know what compelled me and in doing so, reconnected with songs that at one time had so much meaning to me.  So now, I've searched for those songs and downloaded them, hence why I'm listening to one of them now.  But specifically City Love.  I think the reason this song resonates so much w/ me is that it speaks of love in a way that's untainted.  The kind of love that once you've settled into, is effortless.  I just needed that surge of hope and optimism. I've found in this journey that I'm currently in, I have to remember...

I'm just going to fuck.  This whole love business is for the birds.  I only ever felt this way after the dissolution of my "marriage", where I just didn't want any emotional entanglements, just my physical needs met.  The desire to procreate was of utmost importance at one point, but I wondered today, do I really want marriage, another baby?  I honestly didn't know what I wanted and maybe that's why I have all these failed relationships.  I don't even know where to start because I suppose, it's been ingrained in my head that my mission in life was to get married, have babies and take care of my home.  I wonder what I want?  At present, I have some carnal needs that need to be met but once that's done, then what?  What do I want?  What am I looking for?  Fuck if I know.  I have to deprogram, reprogram myself, start all over.  Fuck me.  

For the longest time, without realizing it, I've lowered my standards, in order to be happy, to be with someone.  I've just accepted hand me down affections, hand me down love, hand me down attention instead of receiving what I deserve, bonafide love, affections and attention.  I'm done w/ that.  This definitely sounds like a rant and it probably is because I just received a text from a guy that I thought had potential but when we had spoken earlier, he said he would call me back in an hour.  3 hours later, he sends me a text saying he's around and if i'm around, we can talk.  I read the text and the old me, the one who reveled in hand me down attention, would have responded because I was desperate for affection but instead, I closed my phone and tossed it back on the table.  Like I said, I'm good.  If he doesn't think I'm worth calling or sticking to a particular time frame, then he's not worth my time.  NO more hand me downs.

I'm sitting in my living room while my son is upstairs, bouncing around in my room, happy, oblivious to how mom is beating herself up internally, going over all her life mistakes and grappling w/ how she now has to learn to live alone or like the idea of living alone.  Romance is not overrated.  Love is not antiquated.  Relationships are not a bygone idea but for the likes of me, they're not to be part of my makeup.  I have wanted them for so long and thought I came close to having them but they continue to become elusive and so now, I am starting to realize that they are not to be part of my lexicon.  Acceptance is easy, practice is hard.  I'm learning to untrain myself in any sort of expectation of anyone or anything from anyone.  I'm learning to be alone, isolated but still part of the human existence.  The irony is that I'm wondering if there's a support group of people who like me, have come to this realization, and are looking for like-mind...

wallowing in self-pity.

So almost immediately after my relationship ended, I joined okcupid and that in itself is an interesting endeavor.  I've long since given up on the idea of ever finding love online, it gives me something to do.  But that's not the purpose of this post.  The purpose of this post is to excise my frustration/sadness.  I don't date black guys anymore, I date primarily white guys.  But I have started making an exception and there was this guy who's 6'9 and he had an interesting post.  I responded because that's what he said he responds to.  I actually expected a response but instead he checked out my profile and left no response.  Look, I'm not ugly but I'm not a bimbette bombshell either.  I just don't understand why I have to settle for someone I'm not attracted to because the ones I'm attracted to think I don't pass muster?  It's irritating. I don't know how long this will last but I'm just tired of the whole idea of relation...

I seriously suck at this whole relationship thing.  lol.  I don't even know how to go about explaining, so in short, my long distance relationship has come to an end.  he couldn't/wouldn't move from Dallas to L.A and out of frustration he stated we should just be friends and out of frustration I agreed.  Because of the possibility of the move, on his end the actual job of making the necessary arrangements of relocation, job hunting, leaving his son and on my end not knowing if or when it was ever going to happen caused the demise of our relationship.  He's a great guy and will always remain a great guy but he's no longer my great guy.

I'm getting married.  That's right!  I'm engaged.  The interesting thing is that I've been wanting this for a long time but now that it's here, I don't know what to do.  If left to me, I would go to the courthouse and get married but the the thing is that there are other people involved, namely my family.  So now, that leaves us with planning a wedding and deciding who will be in it.  I'm not really there yet so I'll leave that for now.  What's on my mind is, I'm not the young bride to be anymore.  I'm forty years old, soon to be forty-one, and as excited as I am to begin this new phase of my life, I'm not that excited about the whole planning process.  I've been seeing lots of pictures on Instagram and videos on Youtube of lovely weddings but they're all of young people and nothing starring people mine and my fiance's ages.  And another thing is we want to take our time with the planning process and not feel rushed but peopl...

It's been a year.  Almost.  Tomorrow will be a year since I've written anything on this blog.  YIKES!!!!!  I don't know what prompted this return but it just popped into my head.  I first wanted to know if it was still even active, yes it is.  A lot's happened in a year.  I'm in love.  YUP!  I found my soulmate, he found me, we found each other.  We're happy.  I'm happy.  Seriously happy.  There's so much to catch up you up on but for now, it's just good to be back and hopefully I don't disappear again.  Ciao!

I can't speak for anyone else but I know what I'm after, someone who acknowledges me.  Acknowledges my wants, desires, my dreams, thoughts, everything about me.  I just want someone who sees me and regards me.  I've sought that for as long as I can remember.  I don't know if how our parents reared us really has such an impact in our lives, safe to say it does.  My father wasn't too concerned with a wife and kids and my mom, she took care of us, but she had her own issues she had to deal with.  She lost her mother when she was a teenager, her father couldn't stay faithful to one woman so he married just about every woman he could get his hands on.  My mom had her own demons she had to fight so she didn't have time to lavish any sort of attention toward me.  I wonder in my seeking attention I brought upon myself my abusers.  When they saw me, they saw the vulnerability I displayed and in order to feed their sick need, they gave me what I neede...

I believe in true love.  I believe it truly exists.  I haven't experienced it yet but I know it does exist.  Just like a child may never have seen Santa but they know in their heart of hearts that he exists, I too believe that true love, though I have never experienced it, does exist.  The Santa example may not make sense but it goes to the heart of belief.  The belief that despite all the negatives, holding on to that one true feeling, allows one to have hope. I have hope.  I have hope that one day, I too will get to experience that amazing feeling of true love.  Now don't get me wrong, I am a realist at heart but the truth of the matter is that as a realist, the notion of true love, being with the one person who truly understands you, truly knows you, warts and all and loves you in spite of all your flaws is something I have sought my whole life. I'll be 40 in November and I still have hope that I will meet, marry and have a family, the life I w...