My (random) thoughts

I wanted to make it a point to have a post for today, being the first of the month. I wanted to make a mark on today. The thought for this post came to me as I was on facebook and I was looking at pictures from friends' pages and it hit me: regret. My life is not what I pictured it. It is not in the vicinity of where I thought I'd be or who I'd be. Regret is something I know of too well. In my case, hindsight seems to be the only form of vision I have. Granted, there's no way to turn back time, because trust me, I've tried, but I'm starting to accept that I have to choose my steps carefully and with my newly awakened state, I think I can now have foresight instead of only hindsight. I think back to my earliest memory, I believe I can remember as far back as being almost two, when my sister was born, and wonder where it all went wrong? Where did I make the wrong turn at the crossroads that led me to the life I'm living now? I know that many would say that the...

The concept of loving one's self is something we all know, true? But the question begs, how many of us REALLY do it???? When you love yourself, truly cherish yourself, do you do things to yourself that aren't good for yourself? I ask this because I've been on a journey of self discovery. My eyes have been open to the fact that I haven't loved my self as much as I should have. I haven't treated my self with the respect that my self deserves. I've, more or less, shortchanged my self. I've always known what I wanted out of life, but I haven't allowed my self to get them. I've, in some way or another, stymied my self from getting the gold and I couldn't understand why? It may have been fear, it may have been doubt, it couldn've been a multitude of things but the point is, I disillusioned my self from getting what my self deserved. When I came to the realization, I was shocked. Shocked I tell you because I thought all this time that I lo...

I broke up with my boyfriend on July 31st at around seven fifteen in the morning. We started dating on March 31st. Four months and it's over. This was the man I thought I'd be spending my life with but alas, it's not to be. I'm sure I'll find the silver lining in all this and who's to say we won't reconnect but for right now, this is the best decision that could've been made. I mourn the loss of this relationship because unlike past relationships, this felt RIGHT. I'll always love him. I'll continue to think of him. I wish him nothing but love, peace and happiness. And most importantly, I wish the same for myself. this little bit is added today, May 15, 2010. I was going through my old posts and felt the need to make a comment about this post. the guy I broke up with, we are not friends, nor will we ever be friends. I do not love him, in fact, I loathe him. I have become a different person, done things against my nature because of hi...

The old adage, forgive and forget, I wonder sometimes if it's a concept that truly exists. I'm venting on behalf of a beloved friend who I pray will have the peace she prays for. Here's the scenario : My friend Beth (I don't think she'll mind me telling her name) is an amazing woman, fearless in fact . I love her. She's like a second sister to me. I've known her for a while but really got to know her a couple years ago. Hers has not been an easy life, but she's a survivor and has never given up although there were times when she wanted to cave in, but I think through her faith in God and shear will, she has persevered . Beth hasn't followed the normal route as far as life is concerned, i.e. going straight to college after high school, getting married before having a kid. She's always followed the beat of her own drum, to the consternation of her family. The crux of the matter is: Beth is thirty-two years old, has a child and has never gon...

My boyfriend has this theory that each of us has thousands and thousands of heart strings and they get broken now and again for different reasons. He says, some are to be expected whether it be through disappointment or things of that nature, unintentional snapping of the strings. Those are not fatal and will not hurt you too much. But, there are those things, situations, events, occurrences that when they break your heart strings, depending on how many strings are broken, can hurt and take a while to recover. Our conversation about said heart strings revolved around a male/female relationship (i.e. marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend). He stated that the person that you're with will break some heart strings, unintentionally. But, when they intentionally break your heart strings, they have a certain number of chances before you cut them loose. That brings me FINALLY to the intention of this blog and it's a question, but first, let me prepare the scenario: My love and I were having ...

I'm listening to the song from P-square "No one be like you" and I'm thinking about my love, yes you heard right, my love. We've been together for six weeks now and are madly in love with one another. Who would've guessed, right? That's what led to this blog. Prior to this relationship, I was involved with a good man, but we weren't a couple. We were friends, good friends, but nonetheless, friends with benefits. It felt like a relationship, tasted like a relationship but it wasn't. We were REALLY good friends who enjoyed each other and each other's company but we didn't make THAT commitment. In that scenario, I knew that something was lacking. I knew that it wasn't whole. It wasn't complete. But, being with my baby, it feels whole, complete. I guess the previous relationship suited my needs because I don't think I was ready to make that level of commitment to anyone, I wasn't healed. But God brought this wonderful...

The previous blog in which I finally exorcised myself of the past has infact allowed me to move on. I've moved on and that portion is now a closed case, never to be revisisted again. I'm definitely glad for it and I'm happy. I'm free. Funny how release is a gift we sometimes forget to give ourselves. Again I'll say it, I'm free. On another note, I'm in a relationship. Yes, a relationship. I'm dating a GOOD MAN. Yes class say it with me, a GOOD MAN. I have to pinch myself everyday because the characteristics of this man are all I've wanted. Premature, maybe, but it just FEELS right. It feels as it should feel. It's like the breeze, easy and free. He makes me laugh, and oh, how I laugh and the best part, I make him laugh, although he'll claim it's the side effects of the medication he's being weaned off of (he's not on any medication). I was so busy looking for what I thought I had to have (tall, lean Nigerian brotha) w...