My (random) thoughts

2012-02-02T07:38:00.000-08:00

"My parents were married for 30-something years, and he said [it was] because they never wanted to get divorced at the same time," she recalls. "I think you do fall in and out of love and you just keep going, and every time you go through a really difficult phase, you rediscover something new and it just gets better."

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this is a quote I read today in an article by Gwyneth Paltrow. It speaks such truth about relationships, once you finally find the one that is comfortable and fits. I've found mine. We had our first major disagreement yesterday and unlike my usual MO, I didn't turn tail and run and try to find another situation to be in, I called him and we talked it out. It's amazing and an all new experience to be in a real relationship. Sure, I've been in relationships, but none worth fighting for. I'm in one that's so worth fighting for.

Sabotage

2011-12-11T15:23:00.000-08:00

I'm very happy to say that this past week was a good week, weight wise. I've had such a struggle with my weight for a long time. It was at the point where I thought that I could never get a handle on it and I was not looking forward to seeing each new day. Now, don't go thinking I was on the verge of suicide or anything, but just having to deal with my struggle with food was not a pleasurable experience. I was desperate one day and was in search of something, anything, that magic formula that would help me get a handle on my addiction to food and finally put me on the road to weight loss. I came across this concept called Eat Stop Eat. Essentially, you eat one day, fast for 24 hrs, then eat and you can fast as much as once a week or every other day. I tried it, lost a considerable amount of weight but I felt deprived and went nuts with food, gaining all the weight I'd lost plus more. So one day, I googled Over Eaters anonymous and was trying to find a place to go, to get the help I knew I desperately needed and found this site where this guy talked about his own issues with food. He had simple words, guidelines for me to follow and I've kept them with me ever since. I try not to over think the notion of weight loss and just take it one day at a time. I get tempted to go nuts and eat everything in sight, sure. I even have visuals in my head of what a pumpkin pie loaded with whipped cream would taste like, but I can't. I had moments where I would binge and purge and that worked well for a while till i couldn't purge, I'd stall and just keep the weight on. It's a constant struggle. I can never put myself in a drug addict's shoes but like them, it's a daily struggle. I just take it one day at a time. Also turning to God and asking Him for help has done a lot. It's hard, but I have to try. I don't want to give up and go back to being a hostage to food. So, that is where I am right now. I'm grateful I made it through one week and am going into this week, praying for strength and help from God to just make it.

putting myself in the crosshairs

2011-10-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

I revealed to my mom yesterday that her boyfriend has touched me inappropriately by grabbing my ass and has said inappropriate things to me. She told me that she's been wanting something, leverage I guess, to finally leave him. She believes me, which is good, but wants to set a trap for him, to give her that extra push to leave him. Now, I've avoided this man at all costs, even staying in my room all day, especially when he's around and planning my escape routes should he come into the same room I'm in. My mom wants me to go about my usual routine and that if he does it again, tell him that he should stop and that I'll make her aware of it, and she'll take it from there. When I spoke w/ my sister and told her my mom's plan, she totally agreed w/ my mom, saying it was the logical thing to do.

I greatly disagree!

I feel violated by this man and to ask me to put myself in a situation and allow him to touch me again, just so you can have the guts to leave him? How can I be asked such a thing? Shouldn't my telling her in the first place be more than enough leverage she needs to leave him? Why must I allow him to do that to me again? I'm so angry, even as I type this. I have cried so much over this today. I cried more about what my mother asked me to than what the man did to me. I feel as if I'm being asked to allow myself to be violated, again!

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I wrong for not seeing it from my mom's perspective? My sister does. I really would like to know. To see if I was wrong in this matter, I asked a friend of mine, a male, and he asked me for my address so that he could put a beat down on my mom's boyfriend.

I told my boyfriend about this and he totally agrees with me. I'm so confused. I want to see it from my mom's perspective, but I can't. I just don't see it from her angle. I need to continue to pray for strength, both for myself and for my mother to do what she needs to do, leave him and not use me as bait in order to do so.

Hollow

2011-09-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

That is exactly how I feel when I have a casual encounter. At the time, my body yearns for it, but afterwards, when I'm walking back to my car to get home or to my various destinations, I realized that for the moment, it satisfied my carnal desire but left me wanting for a more substantial situation.

I haven't wanted a real relationship in so long, so imagine my surprise that I long for it. I'm looking for love, looking for companionship, looking for not just a temporary situation, but a relationship.

It's taken me close to six years to be at the point where I want to have someone around on a daily basis, someone I can trust w/ all my good and bad and not worry that this person is going to expose me to the world. My ex husband did that. All the good and bad, mainly bad, about me, he broadcast to the world and let them know who I am, in my most private space.

After the end of my relationship w/ Munchkin's dad, I found it really hard to trust any man. I had been accused on a couple or several occasions that I deflect. They tell me that I know everything about them, but they don't really know much about me. They tell me that I ask a ton of questions about them, but don't answer questions about myself. It's true. I found it very difficult to let anyone into my inner sanctum, my most special place, for fear that they will hurt me.

I'd always seen myself as indestructible, but Munchkin's dad proved that was not the case. I'm not a robot, I do in fact have feelings, go figure. For the longest time, I didn't want to be that vulnerable, with anyone, but I find myself wanting to and it's so palpable, the desire is so strong, that I'm kind of looking every which way to find it.

I guess it's all about timing, but haven't I waited long enough? Or is the rule that now that I've come out of my reverie of wanting to keep my distance, is there now some sort of waiting period, a cue that I have to be in, in order to get the chance to be in a relationship?

I don't know, but like I keep telling God, I want someone. I really want to be w/ someone and love them and have them love me.

I am so ready.

It's just sex

2011-09-18T00:53:00.000-07:00

I get it now, when a man, who is either in a committed relationship or married, has sex w/ another woman and says that it's just sex. I get it now. I'm watching the story of Jacqueline Kennedy, in her own words, and there's a scene where President Kennedy removes a stray hair from her face, I see such tenderness in that display and see that he loves her so much, but he was a man and had needs. I get it now. It doesn't mean I like it or would ever condone it, but I get it.

2011-09-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

When it boils down to it, all I want is a nice guy. He may be rich, poor, preferably employed, but still a nice guy. Someone kind, takes my feelings into consideration. Working for a dating service, I talk to people everyday and find out what they're looking for and it makes me wonder what I want from someone. I'm now getting to know someone and he seems very nice. From the get go, he was nice and continues to be nice and it doesn't hurt that he's very attractive as well. Mind you, I've had my share of situations and in the end, I look for kindness. Kindness, sense of humor, understanding. you have that, you're on the right track.

2011-07-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

I read this quote from Maya Angelou, where she said, I'm just paraphrasing, to be ready to receive whatever it is you've asked for. Ain't that the truth! I've asked God for understanding, wisdom, insight and boy! did I get it. I envy those who instinctively understand the goings on of life and can freely navigate and not fall into the different pits that lay before us. Sadly, that is not the case with me. I'm one of those that has to fall into just about every pit and figure out how to get myself out and not only do I have to dig my way out, figure out how NOT to fall into the next one. My theory is that those who KNOW have been here before. They've lives so many different lives that they get it. They've traversed all the minefields and now know when to step over them, in order to avoid getting blown up. I am grateful to God that I'm not going through this alone. He is with me and in the end, I'll have everything figured out.

Do we ever stop learning?

2011-07-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

We are constantly evolving, as individuals, so I presume that means that we never stop learning. We have our victories, sure, but we too have our failures and I believe that these failures allow us to learn and be better. When we are on a path and we either lose our way or trip and fall, we have to be adjusted.

I guess the reason for this, whatever it can be called, is because I fell. I was on the right path, on my way to my destiny, but at my first test after my transformation, I failed and failed miserably. But I have learned that I must take from this failure the lesson I'm supposed to learn. I feel this failure is to show me that I have to be on guard at all times, be aware of what's going on, spiritually and physically. I cannot presume to know everything, for I would be a fool. Although I feel like a fool at the moment, but it's this moment where I have to make the decision to either stay down or get back up, dust myself off and continue on my journey. Yes, I messed up, ROYALLY, but God is such a merciful God and has allowed me this mistake, to show me that I cannot navigate this path, my life, on my own.

2011-06-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

I HATE DRAMA! So, why am I embroiled in it? at work, of all places? I have "beef" with my manager. Can you imagine? Truth be told, I'm indifferent towards her. If she were to drop somewhere, I'd walk over her and be on my merry way. She is not a human being. She's callous, cold, selfish, lacks any esteem. She's a sad human being. Working with this woman is the epitome of being in purgatory.

Funny how this place is where I seek a place to vent, rant, get rid of all that bugs me to no end.

I miss my peeps, being involved in their dailies by reading their blogs daily. I feel disconnected from them somehow. Like any relationship, if one invests in it, then the other party reciprocates. Life is very interesting in that no matter how old you get, you're a perpetual student.

God is good in that He allows me the privilege of learning and growing.

Thank you God.

2011-04-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

As requested by Musco, I have to update.

I did plan to update w/ my various observations, but just haven't found the time, but now I do, so here goes.

I've undergone a metamorphosis. I've been changed, in the spiritual sense. I have found God. Now granted, I've always had God, but now, I've found Him and He's found me. And through this metamorphosis, I've found my mother. I'd always prayed to God to help me have a better relationship with my mom and he's answered my prayer. Through Him, I've found the mother I'd always wanted. She's absolutely amazing, wise, intelligent, beautiful, loving and so supportive.

In the last blog I wrote, I wrote about forgiveness. I've learned to let go and let God, literally. God is truly good in how He works. He may not come when we expect, but he's always on time. I'm so grateful. That's the emotion I'm experiencing now, gratefulness.

An act of forgiveness

2011-02-28T22:43:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness. Such an easy word to say, but a hard act to perform. I take that back. There are levels of forgiveness that are easy to perform, but there are some that are too difficult. I was contemplating my life the other night/morning and remembered an event that occurred in my life when I was 3 or 4, a life altering, devastating event that has affected my life to this moment. This event shattered the bond of a mother and daughter, causing us to never connect the way we should. I was molested when I was 3 or 4 and my mother walked in on the act. The man in question sat me on a table in the boys quarters and began to fondle me. My mom walked in on him when he was doing this. She obviously dealt with him, but the part that surprised me the most was that she beat me and said I went looking for it. She blamed me. I've never been close to my mother since that day and she's never been close to me either. Or maybe she's tried and I just haven't let it happen. I think it's the latter. For me, I think that it's that inner belief that the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally and despite my faults, still love me, I felt that by her blaming me for the event, didn't love me, so I separated from her. I have harbored anger all my life, but never knew from where it stemmed, until the other night. I don't want the anger anymore and am fighting against it with prayer, but in order to defeat the anger, I have to forgive my mother. How do I forgive her if she feels that she did nothing wrong? I don't expect any apologies or any explanation. I just want to let it go. I can never forget, but I want to forgive. I guess that all I can do is just continue to pray for God to help me have forgiveness in my heart.

Getting ready for a change

2011-02-20T21:52:00.000-08:00

On my way to church this morning, I was listening to the KJLH, like I normally do. On Sundays, it's church radio, a departure from it's usual rotation of R&B. I was listening to a particular sermon, where the preacher was using the passage in Genesis, where Jacob wrestled the Angel of God and his name was changed and he himself was transformed and what I surmised from what the preacher said, was that each of us receive regular blessing, whether we're good or bad. BUT, when God has BIG BLESSINGS that He wants to give us, we need to be transformed. We have to be changed. I too am going through a transformation, getting ready for all that God is going to do in my life. Are you getting ready for the BIG BLESSING? Are you going through your transformation? Think about it. Each of us, on some level, are being transformed more and more into the likeness of God. Isn't that why He created us in the first place? It's just that with sin, we get farther and farther away from Him and the image of Him we're supposed to be like. The change is coming. Be ready.

2011-02-16T23:55:00.000-08:00

I have all these ideas in my head. I have so many that I've now been reduced to writing them down on pieces of paper, so that I don't lose that train of thought, so that I can post it, which I don't. Go figure. I'm going to write, just dealing w/ stuff. I know, I know, who doesn't have stuff to deal w/? But my stuff I'm dealing w/ is extra special stuff (seriously hope someone bought that). I'll be back, I guess when my head is in the game.

2011-01-25T09:45:00.001-08:00

FUCK LOVE. FUCK RELATIONSHIPS.

2011-01-03T05:54:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to you all!

Saturday night, my sister, cousin and I went out, sort of a girls' night out. We had dinner and saw The Tourist (love that movie). During dinner, I was lamenting a lost love, the only man I'd ever loved, only time I'd been in love and my sister asked me why I was regretting the lose of that love, like I wasn't going to get it back so why regret it. I explained to her that I know that I would never get it back, but letting him go was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. The conversation carried on and my sister was telling our cousin how she'd always known me to be like a dude in a female's body, in that once I let a guy go, that was the end of it. She said that was one of the things she admired about me. As she was saying this, I was wondering where that person went? I was wondering when and where I had lost that person. Back then, I was fearless and was in control of my love destiny. I knew what I wanted, refused to settle for anything but the best. If a guy didn't act right, I cut him lose without a thought and kept it moving forward. But now, I find myself giving a guy, who I know is not that great for me, the benefit of the doubt. Why? Is it because I'm afraid of being alone? Am I afraid that I won't find anyone else? Am I afraid that I can't do better? Since my sister said what she said, I've been doing some soul searching and I'm trying to get that girl/woman back. I did something that I hadn't done in a long time and it felt really good. I put myself first. My ex boyfriend, the guy I broke up w/ in May, called me the morning of the 2nd of January. I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message, and I didn't call him back, still haven't and still won't. Prior to what my sister said, I would've called him back. This is someone that has never put me first, has never taken my feelings into consideration, but I still stuck w/ him for God knows what reason. On Christmas day, I sent him a text, wishing him a Merry Christmas, and I received no response. He didn't even think about me on that day. I called him almost a week later to find out why he didn't even think to wish me a Merry Christmas and he gave me lame excuses. On New Year's, I chilled. I assume that him calling me on the 2nd of January was his lame ass attempt of letting me know that he thought of me. Well, he can suck my nuts! I'm no longer going to put myself last. I'm putting myself first and only doing what is good for me. Selfish as it may sound, but it's something that's been missing for quite a long time and something that is desperately needed.

New Crush Alert

2010-12-26T03:35:00.000-08:00

Never being one to have a crush on men w/ blonde hair, imagine my surprise to find myself salivating over Mark Valley. Blonde, piercing blue eyes, megawatt smile. HubbaHubba.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-26T03:26:00.000-08:00

I honestly didn't think anyone would post on Christmas Day. I came on to see if anyone would and they did.

First off, I'd like to wish a Merry Christmas to my favourite people on Blogville (I don't need to name names, you know who you are). Christmas was great, except for when I had to hand off my son to his dad at noon today, but I digress. Something the priest said during midnight mass stayed w/ me. He said that we've received the perfect present from the only perfect being, God and that present is His Son. Such love.

I thank God that for loving us so much that He wanted us to be free of sin that He allowed His Son to be born on this day, so that He would die that we may have life.

Thank you Father for such love.

God's presence

2010-12-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

I had a convo of sorts w/ God and told Him that I wish that He were around. I told Him that I wished that He were tangible. This is something I said to Him as I was getting on the freeway on my way to work this morning. Imagine my astonishment when I was driving, getting close to work and a HUGE rainbow was before me. I know for some this may not mean anything, but for me, it means A LOT.

Thank you Father for first of all, hearing me and second of all showing me that You are around.

Composite

2010-12-13T15:18:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about this for a while now. There are some amazing qualities that the men I've dated or am currently seeing have but there are also some qualities they have that I'm not too fond of. This is leading to the fact that, in my head, I have this picture of this ideal guy for me. I wish I could build the ideal man, not perfect because there's no such thing, for me. But the more I think about it, the more the notion comes to mind that no matter who we end up w/, they won't encompass everything we're looking for. We make adjustments, compromises for the little things. That's an interesting concept, one that I'm not sure I'm ready to accept yet. In my mind, I still believe that the one for me is out there, I just haven't met him yet. (I know. I'm 35 yrs old and I still believe in fairy tales - tee hee).

2010-12-11T16:54:00.000-08:00

I'm at work and taking a quick break to post this. I came out of the bathroom some minutes ago. Our work bathroom is pristine, even on a weekend. I had to pee so badly and so I rushed into the loo. Lo and behold, the stench that awaited me was unlike anything my nose had ever beheld. There are three stalls and the smell was strongest in the first stall. I moved to the second and the smell wafted into the second and when I tried going into the third and final stall, it was too strong. I bailed out of the ladies bathroom and ran into the men's bathroom. Luckily it's the wknd and there are no men around so I was able to use the bathroom. But it got me to think about the smell I encountered in the women's bathroom. It wasn't the smell from someone having a bowel movement, but the smell from a woman's vagina. Now, as a woman, I know that we have our natural smell. But this smell was far beyond even my own comprehension. It was FOUL! I have the pleasure of receiving oral sex from my current guy and I was wondering the poor guy who has to be in the company of the owner of such a strong and pronounced odor. My God. I can't even imagine. You know, let's not even go the sex route. Just imagine having to be in the company of that individual, with them fully clothed. How do you comport yourself when you know that that individual has this foul stench emanating from their nether regions? I'm usually outspoken, but I think that in this instance, I'd keep my mouth shut, just because I wouldn't know what to say. I don't think I'd have the tact necessary to point out to the individual that they need a serious overhaul in their cleaning ritual that would include they pay closer attention to washing old girl.

Frustrated as fuck and I'm not angry

2010-12-04T17:32:00.000-08:00

I've been told that I have anger issues and I'll be the first to admit that I do. I get peeved easily. But I'm praying about it and I know that God can destroy it.

What am I frustrated about? My life, in general. I'm so off track right now. I really don't know where to go. I just turned 35 on November 8th and I'm lost. I was on track, had everything mapped out: graduate in 2011 June, take the NCLEX, get a job, meet someone in 2011, get married in 2012, get pregnant, have a baby by 2013 or 2014. Now, I'm stuck. Visually, I feel like I'm in the middle of this blank white page, and there's nothing in front of me, behind, or on either side of me. I feel like as I move forward, I'm just just seeing white and not sure if I should continue to move forward because I don't see any landmarks or visuals of land before me. I know it's worry talking. I sit here and ponder the fact that I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't get into another Nursing program. That's not true. I know I will get into another Nursing program, it's just a matter of when. Nursing schools out here have waiting lists that are anywhere from 1 to 2 yrs, so you understand my frustration and my dilemma. I'm already 35 fucking years old and if I have to wait another year, that'll be 36 or another 2 yrs, that's 37 and you're not even counting the two years it takes to complete a Nursing program, so 38 or 39. So, now factor in the fact that I'd like to get married again and have a baby or babies.

Where did the time go? In my youth, I didn't give a shit about what the future held. I thought I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to do and didn't think about the repercussions. I swear, if I could go back in time, I'd snatch my young self and beat the shit out of her, the dumb bitch. What the fuck was she thinking, fucking around the with the earlier half and leaving me the rest of this shit to handle?

(just know that I'm not angry, I find this ranting quite amusing. I feel like I'm an observer and listening to this woman go on about her issues and all I can do is empathize and wish her the best and hope she can figure things out).

New Crush aka who I pray will be my future husband.

2010-12-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

2010-12-01T03:43:00.000-08:00

I've resisted putting something up because I didn't have anything profound to say and I still don't, but I just wanted to write something, in hopes that my juices would start flowing. We'll see how it goes:

I had this idea to write about something yesterday. I had the idea in my head but I completely forgot what I was going to write about. I was in Beverly Hills yesterday. I work in Beverly Hills now and during my lunch break, I had to run some errands. Something caught my attention but for the life of me, I just cannot remember what it was. How sad.

On another note, I'm no longer w/ CG. Turns out we were in no way, shape, or form compatible. I think I'd always known, but I just wanted someone around and hoped that we would work. But I am seeing someone, but it's purely physical. The thing is, I'm tired of having purely physical relationships. I want a relationship w/ meaning. I want a relationship based on deeper foundations instead of whether he can get me off and vice versa.

On yet another note, I failed the Nursing Program and have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. I've fully immersed myself in my job, but I haven't given up hope. I'm seeking out other options, other Nursing Programs to apply to. It's still so sad and depressing though. I feel like a failure of sorts and somewhat depressed, but I'm not wallowing in my misery, I'm actually taking steps to do something about it, which in itself is good.

Thanksgiving was great w/ the whole family together because my two brothers came in from out of town. It was really nice to have the interaction w/ them that I miss on the regular.

I guess I was able to jot something down after all. Tootles.

2010-10-29T05:28:00.000-07:00

Am I shallow because I prefer to be thin and not fat? I've been on a mission to be thin since July of this year. I have a love hate relationship w/ my weight. I've lost 23lbs so far, gained about 4 back, on a mission to shed 20 more lbs. I think the love hate relationship is w/ food. I love food, but sometimes use it as a crutch when I'm feeling emotionally perplexed.

I have this phobia of fat. I seriously hope I'm not offending anyone, but I do. I refuse to date a fat man. There is nothing sexy about seeing all that flesh over pants, not to even mention when the clothes come off and that body has to lie on top of me? Gives me the heebee jeebees thinking about it.

I hadn't bought new clothes in a long time because when I gained the 40 lbs I'd gained cause I was depresseds, I refused to buy bigger clothes. I did make one concession: for the party I went to where I met CG, I bought a dress, a size 14 dress. It was a pretty dress. My mom insisted I buy something for the party, I refused but when she insisted on paying for it, I readily agreed. But after the party, I promptly took it back. I refused to have a size 14 anything in my closet because I was on a mission to lose the weight.

After I lost my first 23lbs, I bought a dress, a size 10. That was probably my proudest moment in a long time. I brought w/ me into the dressing room a 10 and a 12. I tried the 12 on first, because I knew, in my mine, that I wasn't at a 10 yet. The 12 felt kind of big so I tried on the 10 and it fit perfectly.

My goal is to fit my clothes that are in my closet. I miss my clothes, my jeans especially. And w/ this new job, I now have money again that I use to shop but I'm holding off on buying anything because I'm not at my goal of size 8. Go figure.

God is good. If not for Him really, I don't think I would've lost the weight. Like I said, I still have 20 more lbs to go and by His grace, I'll lose that too.

2010-10-16T17:38:00.000-07:00

I totally understand that I've been MIA and I do apologize. I'm even writing this from work, during my ten min break. I miss my peeps, my crew, my compadres, mis amigos, etc.

I'm currently listening to Pandora.com, genome radio and I'm listening to songs that are evoking feelings from me. I can't believe I'm getting emotional over certain songs and it's kind of annoying me. Laugh all you want. I know I border on the absurd, but hey, deal with it. LOL. I'm just imaging NJ shaking her head right now.

Aside from my son, school and work, my life is good. I'm happy, very happy. June 2011 is my projected graduation date and I'm so stoked. But I was told to just take it one day at a time and not try and control what's going to happen in the future. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I seriously can't wait till I have a vacay so I get back into the thick of blogging. I miss it. I miss my peeps (said that already I know, but I do).

Alright, I'm not planning to use up the rest of my break on this. Just wanted to touch bases w/ you all and please let me know what's going on w/ you in the comments. I'm not calling out any names cause you should know who you are. You, collectively, have become so near and dear to my heart and if I don't get a response from you, I'll cry. I will to. Don't test me. I'll mail you my tears. Kisses and hugs to you. I'll be back, probably next Thursday to report on the haps for that week.

2010-09-24T04:48:00.000-07:00

Today is my off day from both work and school and i pretty much stayed up all night, watching tv and now blogging. I'm a bag of mixed emotions because of the mayhem going on in my mother's house and the fact that i'm back w/ my ex boyfriend, I'm very happy about that. CG is totally out of the picture, the twat, but for the most part, I'm doing ok. I have God on my side. Truly, psalm 27 is really coming in handy during these trying times. V10: my mother and father may abandon me but the Lord will take care of me. I love the Lord and He has truly heard my cry. God is good.

CG
Well, last Saturday, i drove CG to the airport before going into work. I'd already been having my misgivings about him but I just shook them off. So, Saturday night he lands in NY. He first sent me a text to let me know he'd gotten there safely earlier in the day. He later called me to chat but my sister, cousin and i were driving to a party and were using my phone as our navigation device. I told him I'd call him when we got to our destination. When we got to our destination, I bb msged him. He didn't respond. Half an hour later, he bb msged me that he was turning in and made a snide comment of me forgetting to call. I responded that I couldn't call and that was why I was msging him. He was having none of it. I apologized profusely and that was that. I didn't hear from him all day Sunday and then he called me around 7 o'clock at night, but I was sleeping. He said we'd talk later. I called him Monday morning, no answer and no call back, no bb msgs. I called him in the evening, no answer, no call backs and no bb msgs. Something told me that he would call me on Tuesday, the day he would be coming back from NY and sure enough, he called me non stop and sent bb msgs. I responded to none of them. He sent me a msg letting me know his flight would be in at 10:30pm and my response, to myself, was fuck you. I haven't spoken to him since and I never plan to again. Today is Friday and he called me at 2 am this Friday morning. Are you flipping kidding me? Of all the times to call me, you fucking call me at fucking 2am?

Why am I going off? Because my thing is, it doesn't take a lot to make me happy or to please me or to keep me on your side. Just be nice to me, respect me and we're good. Don't think that token gestures are going to do anything for me. Be real, be genuine and I will be like putty in your hands, but he just didn't get that.

His loss.

Dear Dad

2010-09-17T11:16:00.000-07:00

I've had this idea brimming in my head for about a week now and I still don't know whether I'll go through w/ it. I wanted to write a letter to my dad, my biological father. My dad wasn't the typical father. He was never around when we lived as a family and even when my mom, sibs and I moved to America, he didn't join us. He in effect left us to fend for ourselves and let me tell you, there were some days where we didn't know where our next meal would come from or even if we'd have a roof over our heads. But by God's grace and w/ a mother with the will of iron, we survived. God is good.

The reason I kept thinking about writing a letter to my dad was because my sister and I were chatting one day. She and my mom are extremely close. My mom and I love each other to pieces, but we're not close like she and my sister are. I never realized before until this convo I had w/ my sister how lacking I was.

I was supposed to be daddy's little girl, but I had no daddy. The first man a girl falls in love w/ is her daddy. And every man that comes after that in some form embodies her daddy. I had no barometer with which to measure any man. The choices I made, regarding men, were questionable at times because I was trying to fill the gaping wound left by my father. It even pains me now to think about it. I used to wonder why my father didn't love me or us for that matter. He sought out my mother, married her, had kids in quick succession, but then turned around and left us? I personally felt he left me.

My father was a dick, in every sense of the word. But he was the only father I had. All the choices I've made in my life, regarding men, have been influenced by the lack of a relationship w/ my father. My father has floated in and out of my life at different periods: When I was 7 and my youngest brother was born, when I was 8 and my youngest brother was 1, when I was 19 and moved back to Nigeria and when I was 21 or 22 and my father and I cussed each other out.

When I was 19 and had moved back to Nigeria, I lived w/ my uncle, even though my dad was living somewhere in Lagos. When I saw my dad, I rushed to him and embraced him. Instead of doing the same, he asked me what the heck I was crying for and didn't even hug me. I stepped back from him and never touched him again from that point.

When I was 21 or 22, my mom came back to Nigeria for her dad's funeral. My mom gave my dad some money and my dad being a wastrel, was already plotting how he'd spend the money. My uncle took my mom to the airport to check in her bags and my dad was trying to offer me some money. I declined, he insisted, I declined more vehemently, he insisted again. I told him how disappointed in him I was that not to seconds after my mom gave him the money, he was so quick to spend it. He got up from where he was sitting w/ the intent on hitting me. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a very large fork and told him that if he laid one hand on me, I'd hurt him. He left and disowned me. I retorted, "how can you disown someone you don't know."

Even when I got married, my dad didn't show up for my wedding. Not because he couldn't make it from Nigeria to here but because when he received the invitation, he saw his name wasn't on the RSVP list. He was offended that my ex husband and I didn't put his name on the RSVP list so he refused to show. True to his word, he didn't.

*aside: how could we have put his name on the RSVP list when he's in Nigeria? the point of the RSVP list is to call and RSVP so that we, the couple, will have a clear number of people coming to the wedding, right? Just wanted to make sure and see if we were in the wrong (dripping sarcasm).*

So, there it is. I thought I'd put it all out of my mind, but it's still there at the forefront.

My breasts

2010-09-13T00:48:00.000-07:00

Breasts given by God

for nourishment for my child

for pleasure for my lover

My breasts

prepubescently insignificant

flat and bare as untiled land

Budding mounds

barely seen, yet noticed

not yet ready to impress the world

enough to impress me

Firm, supple, succulent

untouched by gravity

gravity defying

high peaks

upturned points

Engorged, sensitive to touch

filled w/ milk to feed my babe

stretched skin, darkened nipples and areolae

No longer gravity defying

pulled to the ends of the earth by gravity

no longer upturned peaks

Still found useful by my lover and me

still seen as God's gifts to me

no longer that of a child

now those of a woman

Sunday Musings

2010-09-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today's gospel in church came from Luke 15:1-32. It's about the prodigal son. The priest talked of how we should glorify and celebrate the love that God has for us, the same sort of love that the father had for his son who demanded his inheritance and squandered it. We too squander the blessing, gifts, treasures that God gives us and when we hit the lowest low, we come back to our senses, remember our father and run back to him. We all sin, that's a given, but today's sermon and reading really hit close to home about God loves us and gives us a new slate, just like the father gave his son a new chance.

Before I leave the house, I always pray for protection to and from my various destinations. On Sundays, I pray not only for protection, but when we go to church, I pray that the Spirit of God fall upon me and allow me to be present spiritually, not just physically, in church. I thank God for today He nourished me spiritually today with the gospel and the sermon and allowed me to walk away with a better understanding of His love.

God is good. God is awesome.

2010-09-10T01:52:00.001-07:00

October 2005

Leslie sat there, still unbelieving that her best friend was gone. The funeral had ended and despite family and friends milling around, Leslie was oblivious to any of it. She just sat there, looking at the hole in the ground that contained the casket that held her love. Lester was gone. Really and truly gone. Leslie was alone and wanted to be with Lester. She was so tempted to be in that dark, empty space with him. She didn’t want to live anymore. She couldn’t cry anymore. There were no tears left. Devastation couldn’t begin to describe what Leslie was feeling. Lester, the man who encompassed Leslie’s world, was gone forever.

Annabel, Leslie’s sister, didn’t know what else she could say to console her. She saw Leslie just stare into the hole and couldn’t stand it any longer. She worried for her sister because she knew Leslie would dive into that hole if she could. As she walked toward her sister, she simply wiped the tears from her eyes. Sitting next to her sister, she tried to take her into her arms. She had no words. Leslie was as stiff as a board. She resisted at first. She knew she’d weep again but she relented. She knew Annabel was holding her more for her own sake and right now, she didn’t want to be difficult. This was not the time to be “Leslie”. Annabel knew she held on to Leslie because she needed the emotional crutch. Even though Lester was her brother-in-law, she loved him like her own flesh and blood and his passing was just as hard on her. The two sisters sat together in silence.

Weekend update

2010-09-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

So, this past weekend, Caribbean Guy (CG), true to his word, came to the prewedding party and wedding and met my mother, briefly.

Prewedding Party:
My sister and I showed up at almost 11pm. CG was supposed to be there at midnight. My sis and I hung out, saw a couple of people we know and were just chilling. We didn't dance when we got there immediately. Midnight rolled around and CG wasn't there. My sis made a comment about it and asked if he was going to show and I told her that if he did, great, if he didn't oh well. I played w/ the games on my phone to occupy my mind so that I wouldn't think about CG not showing up and to keep me from looking at the time. So, I danced w/ a couple guys I knew, one a total jackass who my sister dated eons ago and a guy I met at a Labor Day party 3yrs ago, who had since gotten married and had two kids, but still looked cute. So, I was dancing with the first guy, the jackass, when I spotted CG on the side, just watching me. He had a drink in his hand and I left the jackass on the floor and went to CG and said hey. He kept looking at me with this look on his face and a smile on his lips. Weird. I asked him how he was and he said good and said I looked like I had fun on the floor. I told him that I really wasn't having fun but I wanted to dance and jackass was the only one who was willing. He laughed. We went to the other side of the venue, where it was quiet, sat and chatted for a bit. He and I were talking and he made a comment about how my sister missed my company and that he would be back. I thought that was odd and figured maybe he saw someone else who had caught his eye and wanted to hook up. I was like whatever and just sat there for a minute. I got up, went to dance with a girlfriend of mine. At that point, the guy I had talked to 3yrs ago pulled me to dance with him and I was like sure. We danced. We danced for a bit till he said that there was a guy mad dogging him. I turned to see who he was talking about but I didn't see anyone and asked him to describe what the guy was wearing. He described CG's shirt and I knew it was him. My friend asked me if the guy eying him was someone he should be worried about and I said no and that we should just keep dancing. I was really starting to sweat and wanted to grab some napkins and dry off so I excused myself and saw CG. He asked if I was having a good time and I said yes. I told him I was in search of some napkins and that I'd be right back. Went in search of said napkins, found none, grabbed a paper plate and started fanning myself. Went back to CG and asked him if he wanted to dance. He said sure and we made our way to the dance floor. We danced very close, I mean very close. I didn't dance that close w/ the other blokes I danced w/. We danced for a while till the music was whack. When the music was good again, we danced till they shut the party down. As we were leaving the venue, CG walked me out to where my sister was waiting for me and kissed me goodnight. Good kiss. Really good kiss. He told me to text him and let him know I got home safely, which I did.

Reception:
My sister got to the reception between 6 and 7pm. CG was supposed to be there at 7, but was late. No biggie, again, I didn't stress. My philosophy was if he showed, great, if not, oh well. So our mom got there almost 9 pm. CG sent me a text that he was lost but found his way to the site. He wasn't sure what building we were at and I went outside the door to see if he might see me and know where the reception was being held. He saw me, I saw him, sparks. Serious sparks. So, I take him inside, to our table and intro him to mom. Mom is all smiles and they greet one another. The table we sat at had mom's friends there so my sis had the idea for us to move to the back where our friends were sitting. CG was like where you go, I'll go. So, we went to the back and hung out with our crew. Everyone seemed taken w/ CG and were including him in all the gists and silliness. He loved it. Another hour goes by before I feel up to dancing and CG and I go to the dancefloor with my sister and a friend of ours. Mom bounces to the floor and gets her groove on. The five of us form this sort of circle and are dancing. It starts getting really hot in the place and I need some air and so CG and I go out to get some air. I sit on the bumper of a truck and he calls his brothers who called him while we were dancing. As he's chatting w/ his brothers, he's looking at me and I look back, total eye contact. He gets off the phone and kisses me. Good kiss. Really good kiss. We go back inside, dance for a bit and all of us call it a night. He walks me back to my car and gives me a hug and kiss and again tells me to text him as soon as I get home.

The end. LOL.

I love the Lord

2010-09-06T01:28:00.000-07:00

There was a time, in my mind, where I wanted to designate Sundays as a day to post about the Lord or anything that had to do w/ God and I haven't kept to that idea. I'm a bit late, being that today is Monday, but whatever.

In my prayer group today, the passage we read was Isa 45:1-23. The part about this passage that got to me and what the preacher preached on was how God does SO MUCH for us, but we still don't acknowledge him. I felt so awful, so ashamed because I can totally relate. It was speaking to me. There are so many things I want to do to change that beginning with praying to Him instead of just talking to Him and praising Him more.

There was a song we sang today in church that I love. The song is called "In every age, Oh God, you have been our refuge." Great song. It went with the sermon we heard in church. The priest preached on the gospel, according to Luke, Luke 14:25-33.

I loved this Sunday, because it was just a spirit-filled day and I feel so blessed and honored that God has given me the privilege to worship Him.

Song in my head right now is Whitney Houston's Hasten to His Throne. I love that song, especially the part where she sings, "I love the Lord. He heard my cry and pitied every groan. Long as I live, and troubles rise, I'll hasten to His throne."

God is good. Praise the Lord. Halleluia Hosanna. Amen.

Thursday's date

2010-09-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, feels like I've been gone for two weeks, but only a couple days. So, this is an update from the date I had with the Caribbean Guy I met at the party I went to a couple weeks ago. It was awesome. Just awesome. Why was it awesome you ask? Because we talked for the whole night. Now, why is that such a big deal you ask? Cause before the date, we talked and texted everyday and thought we wouldn't have a lot to talk about. Let me just say that for whatever reason, before we met up, I was seriously nervous. My stomach was doing flip flops and running every which way. So, we met up, ate and just talked. We talked about everything under the sun from family to politics, our convo ran the gamete. He is wicked smart and so sweet. Such a nice guy, a really nice guy. But there is one mar to this amazing guy. He's a Republican. I'm a Liberal Democrat. LOL. Really, it's not a biggie. I know a few peeps are going to read this a make fun cause I'm gushing. Yup, I'll be ready to admit I'm gushing. I'm gushing cause I met a really nice guy who is so smart and funny and is not in a rush. We're taking it as it comes. There's a prewedding party and wedding this weekend that he cancelled his trip out of town to go to with me and we'll see how that goes.

School is kicking my ass but I love it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's only been a couple days, really that I've been gone from this space? Hmmmm...feels so much longer. Have a great weekend you guys.

Taking a break

2010-09-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

What up y'all? Just taking a quick break from the books. Started school on Monday and it's back to the grind. Saw this on people.com and found it on youtube. Hope you laugh like I did. Cheers!

2010-08-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

I've always been of the mind that I have to get to know a guy first, before divulging a lot of info about me, in order to know who he is and know his intentions toward me. The guy I met at the party I went to Saturday seems like a really nice guy. The more I talk to him and get to know him, I find myself ticking off a couple items off my list. You know, the "list." I asked him today what he thought of me and he said I'm interesting, but I'm hiding so he doesn't know me fully yet, but I'm definitely intriguing based on the snippets he's been given. He's physically attracted t me but he's still learning or attempting to learn what makes me tick. I told him that I have to know someone and their intentions before I open myself up to them and he said that he's the opposite. He has to know someone before he knows what his full intentions are toward them. He also said that he knows he likes me and is attracted to me but does that really count? Can he get along with me, can we have a good together, etc. That's what he wants to know and by getting to know each other, we can then see how far we'd be willing to take this interaction. When he finished, I sat for a while to think about all he'd said and have an idea of what to do next.

Dream Dinner

2010-08-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

This is my dream dinner. I have been craving this cut of meat for weeks now and I'm hoping that next week, it will be a reality. My goodness. What this is doing to me. lmao. I'd definitely have it more done than this, about a medium well. I'll also have it with tons of sautéed spinach, mushrooms, broccoli and carrots. I might even have it with a bottle of non alcoholic wine. I'm adding the wine cause I've been inspired by NaijaLine's tales on her wine experience (tipsy ke lol). I'm drooling now. I'll let y'all know how it turns out. I'll even take pictures of the entire process. Tootles.

Fi mi le

2010-08-24T01:22:00.000-07:00

This post has nothing to do with that song, but it's what was in my head so I thought it would make a great title. This post is about the party I went to on Saturday night. I'd like to say thanks to Musco, Tnotes and Rethots, who made me go.

I didn't want to go to this party, but was bullied by my mom and sister into going. I went w/ absolutely no expectations. As long as the music was good and I could dance, I was fine. The party was off the chain, like Americans say. It was a great party, didn't end till almost 4am.

I met a great guy there. He's Caribbean, an Attorney, 6'1, very attractive and patient. My sister and I were on the dance floor pretty much all night so we went into the house to take a load off and this guy approaches us. I already check out because I figure he's there to talk to my sister and imagine my surprise when he sat next to me. I just figured that he couldn't find a seat next to my sister so he took the next available seat. He was talking, but I didn't quite get he was talking to me. He asked me for my number, gave me his card and we even scanned each others BB bar codes into each other's phones. In my mind, I just knew I'd never hear from him again, cause I was still thinking it was my sister he was really into.

So, Sunday, I went to church with mom and my sister and didn't take my phone with me. I come back and I see that I have a missed BB msg from HIM. I responded and so did he and we chatted pretty much the whole day.

He called me today and we talked sporadically and shared our musical tastes, he's into reggae and I introduced him to the Nigerian artists I like.

He made a comment to me about how he liked that I talked to him that night and I told him that I thought he was already spoken for because he was talking to some other woman and I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. He told me that truth be told that I HAD stepped on someone's toes, my sister's. He told me that he saw her first and his intent was to talk to her, but when he talked to her, something was lacking, which I find very hard to believe, but then he noticed me and talked to me and something just clicked for him. He proceeded to tell me, three good times, how really, really, really glad he was he went to that party Saturday.

Now for the problem. I like him and can see definite possibilities, but I wish I hadn't gone to that party, because I wouldn't have met him. Let me explain before you go ape shit.

I have a plan on how things are supposed to go: Finish Nursing school in the summer of next year, get my Master's while I work, then start going out and socializing and find the one. Now, I'm not saying he's THE ONE, but he very well could be and so, in my mind, it sucks, cause everything with him has to go on pause cause I can't afford any distractions and he would be such a lovely distraction indeed.

God help me, in Jesus name. Amen.

2010-08-20T15:54:00.000-07:00

Name: YN
Ht: 5'11
Wt: Nunya

What's with the stats? Cause I'm trying to show that as big as I am, I'm a coward. Yes folks, there it is. My mom brought home a "fresh" chicken today and asked me to cut it up and clean it. No problem. I opened up the bag the chicken was in and as I lifted it out of the bag, I saw it's head was still attached and it's eyes were half closed. I dropped that chicken so fast and scooted so far away from it. I ran to the stairs, to find my mom and ask that if she cuts the head off, I can get on with the task of dismembering the bird. She laughed her head off. She always does when I find myself in these situs. These moments don't happen often, thank God, but they do happen. The last time I can remember was eons ago and I had to clean some catfish mom got. I walked to the sink, not even thinking anything at all, then I saw eyes looking at me. Mind you, regular fish eyes don't bug me. But catfish eyes are entirely different. They're creepy. Just plain creepy and I've never been able to eat catfish since. I'll eat salmon, tilapia and so on, but catfish, no way. When I saw those eyes, I jumped so far away, my mom, literally, fell to the floor laughing. I'm sure that she never gets tired of seeing me revert to being that helpless kid, but it's so embarrassing. She tells me about the time we were living in Gusau, Sokoto State, and she bought me a teddy bear when she'd traveled to England. She was so happy to give me said bear but when I saw it, I screamed and hightailed it out of the room. Even to this day when she tells that story, she still falls out laughing cause she says my little over bowed legs looked so funny as I ran.

Haha.

2010-08-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

There's something about being different that can't really be explained. I watch my son and how he's so American. He was born here, is part of the "American culture." Granted, my son knows he's Nigerian. He eats more soup and fufu/pounded yam, than he eats hot dogs, hamburgers, etc. He loves his rice and stew. But he also gets the stuff that only kids in America get. I came to this country when I was 6 going on 7. I didn't get the bed time stories with the usual cast of characters (snow white, Cinderella, Bambi, etc), I never saw the movie Bambi, still haven't to this day or Snow White and the 7 dwarfs or Cinderella. I didn't do any of that. I can remember when I was in the second grade, we were given an art project to do. It was a swan in a lake. Each of us were given markers and were told to color. I just colored. I colored my lake red and the swan some off color. When we were done, we had to show our work. Imagine my surprise when ALL the other kids had blue lakes and white ducks and mine had a red lake and colored duck. I didn't understand what the big deal was when all the kids were laughing at me and saying I'd done it wrong. I liked it.

I remember the days I went to to school while still in Nigeria. We were in Sokoto State at the time. I remember it was a military school. We were learning math. I believe we were learning multiplication and mind you, I wasn't even 6 yet. We weren't learning to color or paint drawings or coloring by number. Our brains were being put to use right away.

I'm reminiscing because I was thinking about how I'm not an American, but I'm not totally Nigerian either. I'm a weird by product of both. I talk like an American, some of my behaviours are like an American, but my heart is Nigerian. I'm fine with who I am, but for some reason, when I speak to a FOB Nigerian, they call me American and it upsets me. I'm Nigerian dammit. I may not speak with a Nigerian accent or British for that matter [a lot of Nigerians seem to do that a lot even if they've never been there (just being cheeky)], but I am Nigerian and proud.

*aside*
I still need to figure out how to incorporate my written text with a video cause right now, I would plug in the video of Mary J. Blige singing "Take me as I am."

Praise the Lord

2010-08-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

So, instead of bellyaching and moaning about whatever is bothering me, I will just praise Him. I was reminded tonight, while praying with my family, that I should just praise Him. I am grateful for all that He has done and all that He will do.

2010-08-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

I hate waiting. I have no patience whatsoever. That, I think is one of my worst traits. I think that's why I hate surprises because I don't know what's going on. Even when I got engaged, Uzoma and I went ring shopping together because I didn't want to be surprised. I picked out my own ring. When I was pregnant, I had to find out the sex of the baby. Why am I saying this? Cause the waiting for a mate is getting to me. Not the whole not having sex bit, but I miss having a companion. I miss it a lot. Having that someone you can talk to whenever, you can see whenever. But at the same time, I sick of not having what I want. I'm tired of compromising just to have someone around. I keep chanting in my head the same mantra, "wait on the Lord, wait on the Lord" and that is exactly what I'm doing, waiting on Him to provide me with the best. Still, I guess while I wait, I should pray for patience and a calming spirit.

Dedicated to my new crush

2010-08-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

Just a piece of nonfiction I whipped up in honour of my new crush. Tootles.

P.S. Don't ask me, cause I won't tell you. *sticking my tongue out*

First impressions are supposed to be defining moments. What a defining moment indeed. The moment I laid eyes on him, I was stunned into silence. He walked across the room, so confident, so self assured. I tried not to stare, but it was proving to be quite difficult not to. He seemed so focused on where he needed to go so he didn’t seem aware of me ogling him. How could I not? What was before me was a god, sent down to earth to meander with us mortals. He was tall, about six feet and lean, but not to the point of being emaciated. I hoped that underneath that suit, there would be a well defined, muscular physique. His face, more than his height and build, was what drew my attention to him. Not a pretty boy by any means. He could probably melt stone if he sneered at it long enough, but when in the relaxed state it was in, he looked approachable. And that is exactly what I wanted to do, but I wanted to build up the courage to do so. I played in my mind different ways to approach him. Not knowing him and not wanting to strike out the first chance I got, I tried the honest and direct approach. He stood in line to place his order and I made my move. I pretended I needed to get some napkins and eating utensils and had to bypass him in order to get them. As he waited for his food to be ready, I accidentally, purposely bumped into him in my desire to get the items I needed. I immediately offered my apologies and he looked at me, face open, no grimace, no look of annoyance and I, taking that as a good sign, introduced myself. He gave me his name, Roger Andrews, and shook my hand. His grip was firm but not painful and his hands were dry. I felt no clamminess. He gave one pump and I was expecting him to immediately release my hand, but instead, I felt a slight graze before he let go. I wanted to savour that moment on my own at a later time, but I had a mission. I needed to find out who he was and what brought him to our building. Never really being one to eat in the cafeteria, today I wanted to expand my horizons a bit and get out of my office. I’d been seeing patients since eight a.m. and needed some air. I was just sitting down to eat my lunch when I spied him. I gleaned from him that today was his first day in his office and he wanted to grab some lunch and get the lay of the land. I asked him what floor he was on and he said his office was on the seventh floor, my floor, and his suite number was 732, four doors down from me. We laughed at how coincidental that was. His order was called and he picked up his lunch and asked where I was sitting and wanted to know if he could join me. As we made our way to my table, he asked if he would possibly be interrupting my lunch with friends. I assured him that that wouldn’t be a problem, seeing as I was having lunch by myself. He smiled at that. As we sat down to eat our respective lunches, I told him that I normally don’t eat lunch in the cafeteria, but I had wanted and needed an escape and figured the cafeteria would give me the much needed break I was looking for. He told me that he too usually brown bags it to work but was running late and not wanting his patients to have to wait for him longer than they had to, opted out of making lunch today. Interesting.

Jokes

2010-08-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

A bunny and a bear both go into the bathroom and both do number 2. The bear asks the bunny, "do you ever have problems w/ poop sticking to your fur?" and the bunny say, "no." Then the bear says, "good", then takes the bunny and wipes his ass.

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

2010-08-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

Driving to the store, I saw all the kids who were let out from their high school, all walking to their respective homes. It made me think about my teenage years. You couldn't pay me enough money to ever go back to being a teenager. But I see these kids, the girls mainly, and see how confident they seem. For me, it sucked being a teenager. I was so awkward, such a nerd and not even a cool nerd at that. I went to an all girls Catholic high school. We were required to wear uniforms, blue skirts, walking shorts or pants, white shirts, blue sweaters, penny loafers or oxfords. What distinguished each class were the color ties we wore. Depending on the incoming class, you wore either a red, green, gold (yellow) or blue tie. My class were the green ties. Go Green ties!!! Anyway, my way of rebelling, breaking away from my nerddom, was to be out of uniform in some fashion, whether wearing non uniform shoes, taking my backpack into class, etc. I lost my green tie the second week of school. I have absolutely no idea where it went. And since it was part of the uniform, if you were seen not wearing it, you'd get written up. And I got written up plenty. I refused to buy a new one. One, I couldn't afford another one and two, I refused to conform to the rules set before me. So, I went the whole freshman year without wearing a tie. I just pulled my pullover sweater so high that one assumed I had my green tie on. But during finals, they did a uniform check. We weren't allowed to take our finals without being inspected and I freaked the fuck out. Still refusing to buy a new tie, I found an old green skirt my mom stopped wearing an cut a length of fabric from it, tied it in such a way that it looked as if I were wearing a green tie. Passed muster and was able to take my finals.

Cut to sophomore year. Got another tie, finally, but lost that too. Go figure w/ me and ties. Good grief. So, we green ties were now sophomores, the gold (yellow) ties were the incoming freshman, the blue ties were juniors and the seniors were red ties. So, I'm walking in the hallway one day, on my way to one of my classes, sans tie,and this senior stops me and asks me where my tie was. I told her I'd misplaced it and she wrote me up. It's the seniors duty to hand out the write ups. This particular senior was a Nigerian as well. I'll put that heifer on blast. Her name is Adaeze Agu. Bitch. And she knew I was a Nigerian and made it her mission to write me up every time I was out of uniform. She even went as far as telling the other red ties to keep an eye out for me and write me up as well. See, Bitch. So, how I found out was I was friends with one of the red ties cause we took the bus to and from school together. She let me in on the deal. So, found that old raggedy cloth and did my deal. So the next time Adaeze saw me, I was in complete uniform.

An aside, about two years ago, Adaeze got married. She married this lovely looking dude. Nigerian from Britain, lovely British accent and all. They now live in New York. She may not remember me, but i'll always remember her. Not cause she was beautiful, cause she was, but because she was mean and unnecessarily so and knowing that I too was a Nigerian, that fueled her on even more, somehow.

Before I end, my crowing achievement, was being named in our yearbook MOST OUT OF UNIFORM. I know that's not something to write home about, but for a nerd who probably would've gone unrecognized in my school, I was on the map. lol.

Koop - Summer Sun

2010-08-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

Great song.

Aldis Hodge presents THE HAND JOBS - Getting What You Want The LEVERAGE Way

2010-08-09T02:19:00.000-07:00

Aldis Hodge. So cute. Not Nigerian. Damn.

Attention: Kooks and Krazies Wanted

2010-08-07T15:30:00.000-07:00

Living in L.A. is always an "adventure." It never ceases to amaze me that weird shit always seems to happen out here, more so than anywhere else. What is the deal really? (this is not a rant, written w/ a moderate tone) Was there some mass recruitment of all the nut jobs that live in other parts of the world, seeking asylum? I wonder. I was running around town, just for the fun of it, and I saw the oddest thing. I was at a red light, and in front of me, this dude gets out of his SUV, looks around then shakes like he's doing the Harlem Shake. How bizarre. I just chuckled and thought, "well, here's another one for the books."

2010-08-06T03:14:00.000-07:00

This song is my latest find. Well, it's actually a movie but the song really gets to me. I love how the song and these parts of the movie fit. I was introduced to Indian movies by my uncle, who I lived w/ in Lagos. I've tried every way possible to find this particular track, but no luck. Found it purely by accident and so glad i did. Hope YOU like it.

New Crush Alert

2010-08-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

Marcus Samuelsson

Born in Ethiopia, raised in Sweden. He and his sister were orphans in Ethiopia and were adopted by a Swedish couple. He is just so yummy. A man after my own heart, not only really attractive, but can cook.

Chef Stories - Scott Conant

2010-08-05T15:28:00.000-07:00

YES!!!!!! HA HA! I got it, oh yeah I got it. La la la la la. lol.

New Crush Alert

2010-08-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm at it again. I have a new crush. His name is Scott Conant and he's a chef. He can be seen regularly on the Foodnetwork's Chopped and he now has his own show, 24hour Restaurant. I first laid eyes on him when he appeared on No Reservations. It was a special episode where Anthony Bourdain focused on the basics and had world renowned chefs make basic meals. Chef Conant was in charge of making spaghetti. Funny thing is, I didn't think there was anything special about him, at the time. But after catching that episode again, there was something about him. Imagine my surprise when I saw him on Chopped. He looked, dare I say, good. He was wearing a sports coat and shirt, unbuttoned, and had a handkerchief in his coat pocket. He looked really snazzy. Mind you , I was watching Chopped long before Chef Conant was asked to be a guest judge, so imagine my surprise when I'd tune into Chopped and I'd be hoping to see Chef Conant. Now, he has his own show and I can totally get an eyeful. Dude is too fine and so suave. Oh and when he smiles, don't even get me started.

Aside:
If anyone can school me on how I can upload a picture or video, not just a link where people can go to, but an actual image they can see on my blog, it would be greatly appreciated and I would pay with baked goods. I make some mean cookies, brownies and don't even get me started on the cakes, all from scratch. So, you hook me up with the skills, I hook you up. If you wanna do business, get in touch. Ciao.

Faith and praise

2010-08-01T22:20:00.000-07:00

My family and I pray every night at 9pm, one of the hours of prayer. On Saturday, we read Job 1, the whole chapter. We each go around and share our thoughts about how the passage we read touched us, how it spoke to us. When my mom spoke, she focused in on v 21, He said, "I was born with nothing, and I will die with nothing. The Lord gave, and now he has taken away. May his name be praised." She talked about how amazing it was that Job was so faithful to God. Not only did he lose his wealth, his livestock, but lost his children, all of them, in one fell swoop. But instead of cursing God, like any one of us would do, Job praised the Lord. Such faith. It blew me away. She went on to tell us that we must praise God. Especially when times get bad. Don't complain, but praise Him. Don't curse Him, but praise Him. I found that to be so profound. It led me to the song by Marvin Sapp "Praise Him in advance". I just thought the messages were so amazing. In the song, he sings about how when times were so bad for him, the Spirit of God spoke to him and told him to praise the Lord because it would confuse the enemy and so he started singing, clapping and dancing and people were laughing at him because they knew he had some serious problems. He also went on to sing about how God knew of his problems and took them away. Why? Because he praised Him. The power of having faith in the Lord and the power of praise. Praise the Lord! Halleluia. Praise the Lord! Halleluia. Praise the Lord! Halleluia. Halleluia, amen.

2010-07-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

Two thoughts for today:

1. Women drivers.
I'm sorry ladies, but I have to get this off my chest. Some, not all, women should not be allowed to drive. If you must drive, don't drive an SUV. I was going to the post office this afternoon and saw this SUV pulling out of a drive way. The person driving was pulling out like she had no room whatsoever to move. I stopped a good half mile behind her, just to be safe. lol. Which reminded me of the time I was a student at Uni. I was parking my car and this big, white Yukon tried to park in front of me. I just knew it was a woman, a short one at that, driving and sure enough, when the door opened, short, hispanic chick gets out of the car. Oy!

2. I saw this very provocative movie last night, called I am Dina. Great movie. The movie, in a nutshell, is about an adorable little girl and the death of her mother and how her mother's death impacts her life. Great movie. And to think I stumbled upon this movie by shear chance. I saw it on hulu.com. Check it out.

I understand

2010-07-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

Call it what you will: maturity, getting older, etc, but there's something that happens when you get to a certain level of understanding, a certain age. When I was younger, I felt the world revolved around me. Well, didn't it? lol. I took no notice of anything else or anyone else for that matter but me. My only concerns were of my wants, needs, etc. If put in a situation where someone couldn't bend to my wishes, I took it personally, as an affront towards me. But now, I find myself constantly saying, "I understand", because I actually do. It's just odd and I hope I'm making sense. Take my desire for my bff. I've come to terms that I love this man beyond anything I can imagine but the practical side has won out over the emotional side. The younger or rather immature me (cause maturity is not a sign of age, but wisdom, lol) would have thrown all caution to the wind and professed my feelings to him and let the chips fall where they may. In my mind, the scenario would be that he would share with me similar feelings and we would be instant. lol. When we talk, I find myself having to restrain myself in order not to let out the BIG SECRET. It's hard, I won't lie, but it must be done. Why? Because, maturity has allowed me to see that the world DOES NOT revolve around me and that there are various factors to every situation. Why all this? I was watching a movie where a young girl falls in love and the guy explains to her that he's not ready. She was heart broken, I understood. Wow. Maturity.

New Musical Find

2010-07-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

I guess it's no secret that my taste in music varies. So, last night/early this morning, woke up for whatever reason, went downstairs and turned the tv on. I usually don't go toward the music channels, so I was just changing the channels when I came across this video with these two guys, w/ their two sons at the park. The video got me really cause it was too cute then I started paying attention to the song. Great beat, oh man the beat. Then the vocals. Singer is reminiscent of Mick Jagger. Great cross between blues/rock/r&b. Turned the tv off and immediately downloaded it. So looking forward to those long drives to Palmdale and back or even visiting my sister up north and having this play as the soundtrack to my drive. Nice! Lest I forget: Band - The Black Keys, Song: Tighten up. Gotta check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpaPBCBjSVc&playnext=1&videos=pwgPJYuHA44&feature=artistob

Open Letter

2010-07-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday, God spoke to me and told me I need to let go of the anger. I honestly didn't believe it, at first. Me? Angry? At what? At who? But then, as the day progressed, I really thought about it and on Sunday, it came to me. As you know, I was married five years ago for two years. Even till Sunday, I could never bring myself to call my ex husband that, my ex husband. I always called him Munchkin's dad. And so, I decided I have to let go of the anger, in order to make room for love to come in. Since he and I don't speak, I decided to write an open letter, to say what I need to say.

Dear Uzoma,

I forgive you. And ask that you forgive me. For a long time I hated you and thought that I felt nothing where you were concerned. But it was not true. I was hurt from all the vile and cruel things you said about me and did to me, after our marriage dissolved. I just put them aside, thinking I had dealt with them when in actuality, they were just below the surface. I allowed my hatred and anger to cloud my eyes where you were. I thought I was good at hiding it, but if Munchkin could see it, then I wasn't doing a very good job. And so, I'm letting it all go. All the hurt caused by you and me and all the hate. I no longer hate you. For the longest time, I couldn't bring myself to say your name or even look at your face when we did our exchanges with Munchkin. When he would go to your car, I wouldn't even look at you and the same for when he came to mine. But for the first time in a long time yesterday, I saw your face. I didn't know what I was expecting to see, but all I saw was a man. You're just a man. Just a human being. And like me, not perfect. I'm not making excuses for you, but by letting all the anger go, I no longer feel like I have to have my defenses up, ready to do battle. There's no more battle. Even though you're still a prick, I'm done being mad at you.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

2010-07-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

Being married to the spawn of hell was the worst experience of my life. It's interesting to be married to and live with someone who is morally ambiguous. I don't think about my ex husband. I sometimes even forget that there was a time I was married to him because I've somehow, as a defense mechanism, blocked it out of my memory. But when he rears his ugly (literally speaking) head, it takes me back to those dark days and I end up in a dark place. Being divorced from him still, I cannot escape him because we share a child. Something I never knew was that my dad was the exact same way with my mother, my biological father, that is. He was a beast, incapable of showing love, a truly heartless individual. My father, like my ex husband, take the word cruelty to a whole new stratosphere. I can remember when I was 4, I heard my mom calling out for help and the sound was coming from my parents bedroom. I ran into the room, to find my father and mother, both on the floor, with my father on top of my mother, choking her. He was strangling my mother and without even thinking, I jumped on his back and was hitting him and telling him to let her go. I don't know who pulled me off his back, whether it was the nanny or housemaid, doesn't matter, but when the commotion was over, I asked my father what he was doing to my mom, and he lied to me. He told me that my mom was choking on a bone and he was helping her. My mother never told any of us the extent of our father's cruelty towards her. And since she never spoke of it, and still refuses to fully divulge the full story of how my father treated her, I still remember bits and pieces, of what I was able to see first hand. It amazes me how my mother and I married heinous human beings, if they can even be called human. Two men, made of the same clothe, spawned from the same evil. My mom was very fortunate in finding my stepfather, my papa. Such a gentle, loving man, toward my mother and us. He doesn't see my mother as chattel, but as his partner, his better half. They both seek solace in one another. They found each other 12 years ago and have been together ever since. My mother now has peace and has a husband who loves and adores her and sees her worth. I've been divorced now for 5 years and pray that the Lord will bless me with an amazing man of my own, who too will see my worth, like He blessed my mother.

2010-07-22T09:49:00.001-07:00

I was so bored, to no end, yesterday. Oy! To alleviate my boredom, I even resorted to cleaning out my closet, getting ride of items I know I won't be wearing anytime soon or ever again. School resumes next month, I'm probably getting antsy cause I'm itching to be productive again. Who knows. But it's so weird. I went to bed really late last night and woke up relatively early and I've been up since. I'm contemplating sharing the dream I had last night. It was pretty weird, really bizarre actually. In the dream, I have two lovely friends. We do everything together. Something happened where we were accused of a crime, don't really remember what it was, but it was pretty bad. So bad in fact that we were wanted by the police. We had decided to make a run for it because we were given some sort of insight into what was to befall us. We saw where we were taken into custody and were imprisoned for the duration of our lives. I ran home, packed my things and my son's things and were getting ready to leave the house when I saw sirens everywhere. The police had apprehend my two friends and were coming for me. Somehow, my son and I made it out of the house, unnoticed and were in hiding. Both my friends also somehow managed to escape. One of my friends has a friend, sort of her manager, that she trusts implicitly and who also is in love with her. We rendezvous at a designated meeting point. When I get there, there are two other people there, both men. One of the men is the guy I really liked when I was in Nigeria. (He and I don't really speak now, even after we reconnected a couple years back. So why he's in my dream, I have no idea.) After I get there, one of my two friends arrives, then the last friend, with her manager. He tells us the plan is for the six adults and my son to go to Canada by bus. We ask him how that's possible considering we're wanted criminals and he shows us forged documents he procured for us. We all get on the bus. My dream ends with us living in this large, rambling house in this idyllic sight. So weird.

Some fun for today. teehee!

2010-07-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

1. go to google

2. type in "lol, limewire"

3. go to bottom where you'd normally click "search" but instead, click "I'm feeling lucky"

4. Enjoy.

"Oh Shit" moment

2010-07-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

What's an "oh shit" moment? Well, it's those moments when something happens and you say, you guessed it. I'm admitting something here that I've finally come to terms with. I'm falling in love with my best friend, my best mate. He has no idea and thankfully will never know cause he doesn't know my blog exists. I've known him for ages now or what seems like forever. We talk everyday and sometimes into the night about everything. He knows me. I mean, really knows me and doesn't judge me, in any way. He is the male version of me. It came as a shock to me today that I'm falling in love with him. Why today of all days? I have no idea, but it fell on me like a ton of bricks today, when I was talking to him and looking outside my window. The thing now is what to do about it. I have the answer. Nothing. Absofreaking nothing. That's what I'm going to do about it. I look at it this way. He's my best friend and I wouldn't trade that in for anything in the world. Boyfriends are a dime a dozen, but a true friendship is one of those things that come every blue moon. So, how hard is it going to be when we talk and all I can think about is kissing him or holding him? Very, but I take comfort in the fact that on some level, he loves me too. Maybe not like how I love him, but I'm ok with that. I'm glad he doesn't know about this blog cause I'd have a lot of explaining to do.

An aside: lol. Corny as it is, I call him peanut. Why? Just one of those things you come up with on the spur of the moment and it sticks. He has a nickname for me, mine for him is Peanut. Since this is the only place I can say this, I think I'll take this opportunity and say this: I love you. I've probably loved you from the very beginning but it didn't occur to me till today. You have such a good heart and are such a good person. I love you.

That's it. Perfect timing I guess, what with my vow of celibacy for the next two years. Ay Caramba! lol. Oh well.

2010-07-18T13:42:00.000-07:00

Today being Sunday, I just wanted to share the happiness I feel today, basking in the love of God. Lately, I felt a sort of disconnect with God, felt I was veering off the path He had for me, but unlike before, where I would wallow in the muck and mire of sin, this time, I fought against the tides of temptation and the desires of this world and prayed for God to help me find my way back to Him and for His guidance. Today, my prayer was answered because I feel this overwhelming sense of love, this wave of love, from Him, has washed over me and I am so grateful. I listen to the radio, 102.3 KJLH, on Sundays cause they play sermons from different churches, AME churches, throughout Los Angeles, and one particular preacher touched on something that spoke to me. He talked about how no other person can dictate the kind of person we are meant to be. No one has the authority to say that we are one way when God created us to be another. He spoke about how God knew us before we ever existed. How God had our whole story written, from beginning to end. I kept pondering this idea and asked God to please help me follow His plan for my life. I asked Him for the guidance and spirit to live the life He had intended for me to live and not editing it in any way. I asked that He help me not omit or add anything that He did not intend for me. Today is a special day because I've been given another chance, by God, to renew with Him the plan we had established. Like Donnie McClurkin sings, "We fall down, but we get up, for a saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up." I fell, and instead of staying down, I'm fighting to get back up and God has given me that chance to get back up. I praise Him and glorify His name, forever and ever. Amen.

Chiwetel Ejiofor

2010-07-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

All I can say is, HUBBA HUBBA. Latest crush alert. Dude is just too fine. Too bad he's shorter than me. I'm watching 2012 and remembered that I've had a crush on this man for ages. Dude is just too fine AND he speaks with a British accent and when I googled him (yes, I google), I read where he went to a drama school in Scotland, so I'm thinking there's a chance he can do a Scottish accent upon request. lol. (A girl can dream). Dude is just too fine. I could write a song about his lips. Ok, that's enough. lol.

2010-07-16T00:54:00.000-07:00

I have this pet peeve, several actually, but right now, my focus is on pronunciation. When a word is pronounced incorrectly, it's like nails down a chalkboard for me. Seriously, it could drive me over the edge. Case in point: I watch the new Food Channel and I'm slowly starting to love it. Granted, my feeling is that the Food Network created this channel so that they could continue to bombard us with the usual celebrity chefs. I was hoping that the Food Channel would be a medium, as they initially advertised it, that would be used to showcase unheard of chefs, cuisines from different cultures, etc. But I digress. My issue, ladies and gentlemen, is with one particular personality on the Food Channel. I'm so annoyed with this dude that I don't even remember his name. I think his first name is Daryl. Well, Mr. Daryl has committed the sin of all sins. Wait for it...When he says the word Vodka, he says Voka. VOKA. Seriously? VODKA. Is that word really difficult to pronounce? I mean come on! Voka. I'll catch his show now and again, but as soon as I see that he has anything that has to do with VODKA, I quickly change the channel. So, imagine my surprise when he was showcasing beer. And at one particular establishment, he was demonstrating a mixed drink with beer. But one of the key ingredients, was, you guessed it, Vodka. So, he's mentioning all the things he's adding to the mix and when he said VOKA, I lost it. So, instead of being able to tell him where he could stick his VOKA, I'm ranting here, on blogville. lol. Just needed to get that off my chest. I swear, if anyone chooses to make a comment and in some way says VOKA in their comment, I'll excommunicate you. Oh yes, I have the power.

Secrets to a happy marriage/relationship

2010-07-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

I stole this quote because it said far better than me what makes for a lasting relationship, be it marriage or whatever.

"The longevity of our marriage started first with our attraction...then the development of a strong friendship. The friendship developed into a deep loving relationship filled with shared interests and experiencing honesty and mutual respect for one another. This all rests on the foundation of our strong Christian faith!"

Memories

2010-07-13T18:05:00.000-07:00

I've been having thoughts, as of late, of when I was a little kid, in Nigeria, before coming to the U.S. I was born in Gusau or what used to be called Gusau, Sokoto State. I heard they changed the name of the town I was born. Anyway, I was born in Gusau and was there till just before we left for America. I can remember the days, months leading up to our departure. I can remember we left Gusau and were in our house in Festac. I loved that house. It was a new development, at the time. The front had cobblestones and it had a roundabout. I can remember flying on the plane and being terrified. Before our departure, my friends and I had been talking about how you can find out if your plane will crash by the color of the clouds. If the clouds were white to blue, you were safe. If the clouds were yellow to orange, you'd be fine, but would experience extreme turbulence. BUT, if they clouds were red, your plane would crash and you would die. Mind you, we were five and this was the conversation we were having. lol. So, as we flew, I was very mindful of the clouds. For the whole trip, they were white to blue, so I was happy that our plane wasn't going to crash. So, we land in America. Things were certainly different from what I knew in Nigeria. I remember the first time I saw green grapes. I thought they were unripe tomatoes that were really small and just needed time to ripen. The first time I ate a Red Delicious apple, I used my teeth to scrape the skin to get to the white "meat". I did this while we were in my mom's car and the friend she was talking to corrected me and told me I was supposed to eat the whole thing. I can also remember my first day in 2nd grade. My mom had come to my class to tell me that I could walk home by myself and I would be able to take swimming lessons. When my instructor asked me what my mom said, I spoke broken to her and she couldn't understand a lick of what I was saying, my classmates had to translate. Memories. It's amazing the things we remember, what we hold on to and let go of. I usually ask people what their earliest memories are and I get different answers. My earliest memory is of when my sister was born and was brought home. I remember how angry I was that she was home, cause now I had to share my mom and dad, moreso my mom. lol. Now, she's my best friend and can't imagine life without her. That's it. If I remember anything, I'll be sure to let you know. lol. Take care.

Natural high

2010-07-13T13:09:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling, THAT feeling about someone? You know what I mean. That happy, giddy, happy-go-lucky feeling that makes you think that nothing in the world can ever get you down because you can attribute that feeling as coming from someone? Yeah, I got that feeling. That feeling that makes me have a spring in my step and a song in my voice. Totally cheesy, I know, but it's like the good feeling I'm feeling can repel all the bad stuff out there. Sort of like Kevlar, repels all the bullets that try to hit me.

Kevin Clash

2010-07-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

My new crush. He's just so yummy. He's like a delicious trippple scoop of caramel ice cream and all I need is a spoon or just take a lick. He's just so hot. Don't know what's come over me. I think it's cause he looks like this guy I had a thing for when I lived in Naija many moons ago. It's the nose, I think. That boy had the same kind of nose, but was much darker. Any hoo...Yeah, I'm still thinking about Kevin Clash and the thing that trips me out is he's almost 50. How do I know? I googled him and found out his bday is in September. He has a kid, but I don't know if he's married. I remember watching the FoodNetwork and saw this really cute guy on Bobby Flay's show. Come to find out, it was Kevin Clash, haha, go figure. So, yeah. The only downside is that he's American. If he were Nigerian and 6'4, he'd be perfect. lol. But whatevs. I'm not in a position to date anyway, so that would be wasted. BUT, if any of you know of a bloke that looks like Kevin Clash and is 6'4, let him know there's this cheeky chick who has a dynamic personality and will be available next summer. lol. I'm just saying. lol. Take care.

2010-07-12T03:22:00.001-07:00

Genuine answers from GED exams:

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Stole the above joke from another blogger. It was too funny to just leave lying there. lol.

Last post for today.

2010-07-10T23:32:00.000-07:00

I was tagged to do this by T notes and I felt honored cause I'd never been tagged in blogville before, so here goes.

1. Right now I'm feeling: happy and at peace.

2. When I'm alone I feel like: how I feel depends on if it's alone time that's self imposed or forced on me.

3. When I'm surrounded by people: If it's people I know, I'm chill, relaxed and comfortable. If it's people I don't know, I keep quiet, listen and watch what's going on around me.

4. One thing I hate is: cruelty, bordering on the verge of evil.

5. One thing I really like about myself is: I have a good heart and can be one the nicest people you'll ever meet.

6. When I'm feeling sad: I used to just cry but now, I cry to the Lord and He fixes it.

7. When I daydream it's usually about: whatever. I could be daydreaming about a particular dish, dessert, more babies or a guy.

8. I'm afraid of: failure, not amounting to anything.

9. I'm happiest when: When things seem to be going well in every aspect of my life.

10. One thing that really worries me is: nothing really worries me. I guess because I know that God had ordained how things are going to go, so as long as I keep up my end of the bargain, He'll keep His.

11. If I could change one thing about myself it would be: To lose the weight I gained when I started Nursing school.

12. If I could be with anyone right now, it would be: God only knows, cause I sure as hell don't.

13. The family member I'm closest to is: my sister. She's younger than me by 1yr, 9mths.

14. If I was really honest with my Mother I would tell her: that I failed the class I failed cause I was an ass and didn't study at all. I failed on purpose.

15. One thing I regret about my life is: the path my life took when I was 15.

16. If I only had one more day to live I would: make sure I was squared with God.

17. If I was really honest with my father I would tell him: one of two ways to answer this. 1) tell him to suck my dick or 2) not say anything to him at all. I don't know where my biological dad is and I don't give a rat's ass. Now, my step dad, if I were to be honest with him, I'd tell him that even though he came into my life late, he's had such an impact in it.

18. One thing about me that nobody knows is: I'm super shy. I'm a total introvert. I know, go figure.

19. I hope that Someday in the future: I'll have more babies. I'm praying for 3 more.

20. When I think about my family I feel: appreciative. My family is awesome.

21. Something I'm really embarrassed about is: the first time I kissed a boy. I fainted. I was 14 and he tongue kissed me and I saw black and fainted. And also, I thought that after he kissed me with his tongue that I was pregnant.

22. One thing about me I never want to change is: My upbeat personality. My brother told me that I have the amazing ability to smile thru so much and to never lose that.

23. One thing I feel really proud of is: that God saw fit to give me Munchkin. The privilege to be his mommy.

24. Blogsville has helped me to: look deeper into myself and watch myself as I grow because I can time travel through this medium by putting something down and it's time stamped and I can go back to it sometime in the future and see where I was at the time. That's pretty awesome.

Since I don't know a lot of ppl on here, consider yourself automatically tagged and pls, let me know so that I can read about you.

Take care.

Men!

2010-07-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

To all the men out there. God love you, but I DO NOT UNDERSTAND your species, at all!!! I've been trying to figure out how to go about this particular post cause it's about my recent ex bf. He called me yesterday morning, around 11:30. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. We haven't communicated since the last text he sent me. So, I see a missed call. I initially thought that my phone had somehow dialed him by mistake (my purse was on top of my phone) but as I checked my phone, he had actually called ME. He didn't leave a message. So, I called him back and I asked if he had just called me and he said yes because he wanted to know how I was doing. I told him I was doing fine and asked how he was. As we're talking, I'm thinking to myself that this is pretty odd cause we're chatting as if we just spoke a couple days ago. I was also wondering if I would melt under his charm. But I didn't. HAHA! Success! Oh wait, I should save that for the end. As we were talking, he asked me if I'd come to my senses yet. I asked about what and said about me breaking up with him and saying that all we're going to be at this point are friends. I reiterated to him that in fact, he had broken up with me by completely ditching me on the day we were supposed to go out. Long story short, he wanted to see if we would get back together again and I said NO WAY JOSE! Are you kidding me? See, this is what I mean about no longer just settling. The old me would've actually taken him back and made excuses for him and just would've gone on, business as usual. But this is the new me and the new me said, "GTFOH buddy." That was yesterday and I've yet to hear from him again. So this is where I say HAHA! Success. lol. You men. Oy! God help us women to deal with your shenanigans in Jesus name. Amen.

2010-07-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

So I just finished cleaning. Actually, I vacuumed and shampooed the carpets. It wasn't hard at all, but do I like it? Hell no. But it must be done. Would I consider myself domesticated? Yes. I'm chuckling. Why? Cause I'm thinking of the image of the housewife, who to the world, appears absolutely pristine, but in the bedroom, looks like a sex goddess or a dominatrix. LMAO!!! Sorry. Anyway...back to what I'm writing about. What am I writing about? I think I was thinking about what is it men expect when they marry a woman? Do they want an extension of their mothers? Do they want what? What do they want? We grow up being told by our mothers and fathers (sometimes) that we must learn to take care of our own households and we're told we have to know how to cook and make sure our homes are clean. But who tells us how to please our men in the bedroom? I never had THAT conversation with my mom. My mom never told me that I need to make sure my husband needs to be sexually satisfied and this is how I have to do it. Nope, she never did and I wonder, what will I say to my daughter, should I have one. Such a bizarre thought. Imagine me, sitting with my daughter, at some point in her life, maybe right after she gets engaged, telling her what she needs to do make sure her husband is sexually satisfied and what she needs to do to make sure her husband to satisfies her. And also showing her printed material or sites on the internet where she could learn such things (shut up You!) Oy! Times are really changing, but have they changed that much?

2010-07-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

I was just downstairs, eating breakfast with the Munchkin, and I was thinking about what it is I'm looking for in an SO. I should stop saying that cause I don't want a domestic partner, I want a husband. Gad zooks, I said it! I want a husband. And was thinking of putting up a list of attributes. But then, I started to wonder, I'm making up this list right? What about the list of a guy? Would I fit the list he'd make up? That is, if guys really make lists of the kind of girl/woman/chick they dig. So, I'm sort of turning things around. I'm listing all the stuff about me that I think a guy/dude/man would dig (lol). Well, maybe not a list, per se, but whatever it is, just go with me on this. So, I'll describe myself. I'm brown-skinned, the color of chocolate. I'm tall, 5'11. I'm not fat and not skinny, somewhere in between. I have both tits and ass, meaning my breasts are big and my butt is big. My hair, which I just dyed black, is dk brown. I have brown eyes, beautifully arched eyebrows (naturally arched, but I do thread them to keep them neat), a nose (not too wide/flat or bulbous). My lips are somewhere in the middle. They're not thin and they're not fat and juicy. They're a happy medium. My ears don't stick out and my chin is strong. I have long arms, long legs, and big feet (sz 11 shoes baby, sucks, but you just deal). That's the physical stuff. How am I doing so far? Am I still on the list?

Personality: I'm funny. I'm witty. I'm intelligent and the biggest goof ball on the planet.

Misc: I can cook. Not just that I can cook, I LOVE to cook. I can cook traditonal naija fare and other dishes too like traditional american food, Indian, Thai, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, you get the gist. I bake too. I learned to bake when I was living in Lagos, 13 years ago, and stumbled on a Kitchenaid mixer my aunt had gotten as a wedding present when she married my uncle. She'd never used it, and at that point, they'd been married about 6yrs. So, I just read the recipes pamphlet that came with the device and started baking just about everything.

Not sure if a guy is this specific, but who knows. I know the first list I made, it spanned about 5 pages, filled all the things I was looking for in a guy. I was 19 when I made that list. I made another list shortly after my marriage dissolved, and that was about 3 pages full. Now, at 34, my list probably won't even take a full page. Why? Because I've learned that 1. No one is perfect. Every person, including moi, has flaws. 2. As long as the core of the person is intact i.e. values, character, morals, belief system, we're good. 3. My desire as far as the physicality of the person changes with the wind, but as long as there's Nigerian in there somewhere, I'm good, even if he speaks with a Scottish accent (shut up YOU!). So that's pretty much it. It's a long weekend, not really, just feels like it cause I have no plans to go out, so, I may have more than one or two or three posts today. Tootles.

All Natural

2010-07-10T00:19:00.000-07:00

I no longer have a perm. My hair is natural. I decided to go natural, without even realizing I was going natural, about 4-5 years ago. I just got so tired of relaxing my hair and the burning and scars it caused to my scalp. So, I just put my hair in braids. I'd change braids every 6 months, not giving my hair a chance to breathe. Then last year, I stopped the braids entirely and my relaxed hair grew out. My hair now is just great, healthy, long (past shoulders, trying to get to arm pit length) and I love that it's so easy to take care of. A couple years ago, I pressed my hair for the firs time, by myself. I was terrified, but I eventually got the hang of it. I love having straight hair and would press and flat iron my hair once a month. But, I became worried about applying so much heat to my hair and now decided to just forgo the heat and just do braid-outs. All this is because I was remarking, to myself, how simple it is nowadays to take care of my hair. I washed my hair today, conditioned it, applied my leave-in conditioner and oil and braided my hair in 12 sections. So simple. Tomorrow, I'll take the braids out and wear my hair out. I'm just so stoked at how easy it is to manage my hair now. I know this isn't a hair forum and no, I'd never join one of those sites cause some of those people are CRAZY. Their obsession with their hair borders on insanity. I just realized that aside from the washing and conditioning of my hair, which I've started to really enjoy, is really the only lengthy process of my hair getting done. How cool is that? Enough of that, I have to think about what I'm really going to write about.

Koop

2010-07-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

I love this group. They're a Swedish jazz duo who make some of the most amazing music. Summer Sun is a great song. Sung by this beautiful singer, Yukimi Nagano. Also, Baby come to me, which is also sung by Yukimi Nagano. Seriously, a great group and great songs. I found out about them purely by accident, go figure. lol. I was on where else, Youtube. I clicked on some random video of this woman walking around the mall somewhere and in the background she had this song that was just so catchy. Found out it was a group named Koop. I searched for them on Youtube and found Summer Sun. I fell instantly and of course, went to itunes and bought the song. I played the hell out of it. Then I found Baby come to me. The video was reminiscent of the 40's. So retro.

I was on Youtube again this morning and somehow stumbled on a Koop video and I was compelled to write about them. I was even checking out concert dates and of course the last concert they did was in 2008 and they were all in Europe. I need to go to Europe. More on my desire for Europe and the desire to live there later. Koop babies, check them out. You'll love them.

2010-07-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

I'm contemplating having a completely different forum for my other love, food. I love food. I love to eat. I'm like Queen Latifah's character in the movie she did with Common where she said, "I hope you have a big wallet cause I'm not one of those salad eatin' chicks." That's me. I could write an ode to food. I could marry food. I love the idea of traveling, not for the locale, but for the food they're known for. That's how much I love food. So, I'm seriously contemplating having another blog for and about food. I've had this idea for a while, but wasn't sure if I'd really do it. Still seriously contemplating it but I'm not sure whether it'll be about the foods I love, foods I've eaten or foods I'm longing to eat. We'll see. But yeah, food is good. I love food. lol. sorry, being silly. Peace.

Is it real?

2010-07-08T12:31:00.000-07:00

I'm watching P.S. I love you and though I've seen this movie before, the premise of finding a love like that, like in all rom coms, I have to wonder. I love the idea of finding "the one." The person who encompasses all I want in an SO. I have this ideal in my mind but I wonder if what I want is practical. I think when it boils down to it, I want someone who I can easily talk to. Someone who I can laugh with,who I can make laugh and vice versa. Someone who is wildly intelligent. Someone who sees me as the absolute cat's meow, the bee knees. I've been reading romance novels since I was a freshman in high school and have always known that I want the best that love has to offer. I want to have that person who, at the end of the day, is someone I'm happy with and I want him to feel the same about me. I've been married before but it wasn't the stuff that dreams are made of. I have this theory that people should have practice marriages, where they get married once, just to see how it's really supposed to be, then get married for real, knowing all that you're supposed to and not supposed to do. I think that may minimize divorces. I've had my practice run and now I'm ready for the real thing. You know what I miss? Watching a man get ready. Being privy to that private bit. I miss that. I pretend to be a hard ass and be completely oblivious to not having someone around. It's not about having a boyfriend or just having someone around for the sake of having someone. I want the real deal. I know I'll have it eventually. I just have to wait and be patient. All this, this evaluation, was brought on because I had probably one of the best chats I've had in a long time with a guy today. Chatting with him made me realize that I want substance. Chatting with him got me back to being me, the me I like. The smart ass me, the shock me, the funny me, the me that wants to just be a girl, talking with a guy, getting to know him and him getting to know me. Granted, this is just a great friendship in the making, it was pleasant just the same and I know that I will not settle again. I refuse to settle. I picture me on top of a building shouting, "I WILL NOT SETTLE." This post is probably going on longer than I intended, so I'll stop now.

My attempt at my first post of V monologue. Go ahead and laugh.

2010-07-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

I've been here, waiting patiently for my turn to get some attention, but it's always the twins that live upstairs from me that get noticed first. Sometimes, they're so obvious, showing off all they have to offer, but it's the quiet ones, like me, that you have to watch out for.

Finally, he sees me and I smile, even drool a little, couldn't help it. He reaches for me and I melt in sheer anticipation. He knows how to touch me and stroke me and I just ooze with so much joy.

Even though the twins up stairs are the ones he sees first, it's always me that he ends with last.

2010-07-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Munchkin and I went to Disneyland yesterday and had a blast. I've always had it in my mind to spend the whole day there and realized, after yesterday, that's a foolhardy decision (lol). We got there around 10am, spent the better part of the day at California Adventures and then around 4, maybe 5, traipsed over to Disneyland and didn't leave till 11pm. Let me just say, my feet have never hurt as much as they do now. Over twelve frigging hours of walking. At round or close to 9pm, Munchkin was eating his hot dog and I told him we had to sit down and he said, "Yes mommy, we need to sit down cause my feet are hurting." Damn. So we sit, and we sat for about an hour. We sat and watched the fireworks display and I told him we had to get going and he responds, "No mommy. You said we were going to leave when Disneyland closes. You promised mommy, you promised." Disneyland was scheduled to close at midnight. Mind you, when I said this, I did not take into account all the walking and standing we'd be doing. So, after another hour, I told Munchkin we had to go and he agreed. As we walked to the car, he was complaining about his feet hurting and I felt so bad for him. I got him to the car as fast as I could and as soon as he got into the car, he knocked out. Next day and our feet are killing us, but if we had the chance to go back, we'd go. Now, I don't know if I'd do the whole day bit, but we'd sure have a great time. Take care.

Katy Perry Says She's Tamed 'Professional Prostitute' Russell Brand

2010-07-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

I scoffed at this headline I read on Google News. How can anyone, male or female, take credit for someone changing their previous habits once meeting them? I think it's more along the lines that that individual finally gets it. It, being that elusive (fill in th blank) that they've been searching for. When a guy, who is a major player, finally meets a descent chick and his player ways subside, I believe he's finally found all he's been searching for. Maybe he's been with so many women because he's been looking for whatever his ideal is and when he stops, he's found it in that particular female. That all being said, that chick should not take credit like she has some power to control him and make him change his ways. And even if she believes it, she shouldn't voice it out loud. She's only looking for trouble at that point, because he may think twice and go back to his old ways, just to prove a point. Any hoo, that's it folks. My two cents. Take care.

Sell-A-Bit

2010-07-06T01:38:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about this post yesterday but decided to post it today. I had been wondering how long it had been since I'd made the covenant with God to be celibate and didn't know. I traced back my steps and found out that the last day I had sex was May 24th. I decided shortly thereafter that I would, for the foreseeable future, be celibate. Why did I decide on this path? Simple. I was tired of the direction I was going, sexually, personally, spiritually, physically and I knew something had to change.

My relationship with my boyfriend, A, had ended and so I sought sexual comfort from C, my go to guy for just such a situation. C and I never had a formal relationship, it just didn't work for us. It was unspoken but we knew that ours was just a physical relationship, meant to fill in the cracks here and there. So it was exactly the reason I sent C a text on May 23rd, after 11pm, closer to midnight. I asked him what his plans were and he said nothing and I asked if I could come over. He agreed. As usual, the sex with C was off the charts. I've had my pussy eaten out before but the way that C did it, he was a maestro. This guy once sent me a text about how much he missed my twat and wanted to see me cause he wanted to stay down there and pitch a tent for hours. I'd never heard that before, from any man I'd been with, and I enjoyed that he took such pleasure in giving me pleasure, but I digress.

The reason for the title, sell-a-bit, is to, I guess, reiterate, to myself, the importance of this hiatus from coitus. About 4 or 5 years ago, I had decided to be celibate. Why? Beats me, but I just wanted to do it. So, for 7 months, I was celibate. That is until I met up with an ex-boyfriend of mine and in one night, I gave up my 7 months of celibacy. This time around, it's for valid reasons that I give up sex, making love, fucking, screwing, whatever moniker you choose to give it. I give it up, I give it to God. I remember a line in one of Jay Z's songs where he talks about one such female who tells a guy she's celibate, but as soon as she gets either money or a piece of jewelry, her celibacy went right out the window. Made me hold firm to the fact that my celibacy is not for sale, at any price.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE sex. I'm quite good at it. Very good. I love to give as well as receive. I have been blessed with the ability to cum faster than a man, to enjoy sex like a man. I have also been blessed with the ability to have multiple orgasms. I enjoy oral sex, giving as well as receiving.

When I give, I take absolute pleasure in the act. It's a process for me. I lay my partner down on his back, kiss him from his head to right above his pubic bone and then I take a whiff. I take a major whiff and just enjoy the smell of a man. There's something about the way a man smells down there that's, for me, intoxicating. I get so turned on by how that area smells. So after I take a whiff, I get down to business. There's no rushing to get it over and done with, NO! I take my time, savoring him and the act itself.

I also enjoy receiving. Oh do I enjoy receiving. And when it's done right, God help you and your relationship with your neighbors cause they may feel compelled to either knock the door down to find out who's being savaged, beaten or even killed or call the cops and have them investigate.

The reason I went into detail as much as I did is to prove the point that sex is something that I thoroughly enjoy/enjoyed and miss but that my level of commitment to my celibacy, this time around, is concrete and is not up for sale to the highest bidder. Hell yeah I get horny but in the long run, if I give into temptation, what would I have accomplished?

2010-07-05T01:11:00.000-07:00

I have another crush...Bradley Whitford. White actor. He's appeared on The West Wing and a slew of other shows. I'd never liked Bradley Whitford. I'd never thought he was in any way, shape or form, remotely attractive. But now, I have a crush on him. As I've mentioned before, I have Netflix and I was able to watch the show I loved the most, since Friends, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. When this show first aired, I set my schedule around it. It came on Monday nights, I believe, about 4 years ago. I loved it. It starred Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford, Amanda Peet, Steven Weber, D.L. Hughley and Columbus Short. Great show. So, imagine my surprise when it was cancelled. It was well written, probably one of the best written shows to come around in a LONG time. Intelligently written. It's a show from Aaron Sorkin, so what would you expect. So, anyhoo back to Bradley Whitford. So, I was able to watch the entire season on Netflix and I started seeing Bradley Whitford in a new light. Go figure.

I have this thing, my crushes. I have them randomly. Sometimes, there is no rhyme or reason of who I have a crush on. My last crush was a dude who has a slamming blog that I really liked reading and now, it's Bradley Whitford. I'm sure this crush will eventually fade, they usually do, but I'm just taken aback at who my latest crush is on.

And by the by, if you happen to stop by my blog, feed my fish. Thanks. Smooches.

Without question, I pray

2010-07-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

The hours of prayer are not lost on me, but I usually didn't keep them. I'd be aware of them and as the minutes passed, so would the hour of prayer. I'd come up with some excuse, as if I were talking to a person and not Him, who can see and hear and sense all. It's not even considered naiveté, but just wanton rebellion. I'd make up excuses because I was too chicken shit to say it to Him that I didn't want to acknowledge the hours of prayer. Funny thing happened...

Now, I pray, without question. I honor all hours of prayer, though midnight, until recently, was sorely neglected. Even if it's quickly touching base with Him, I do it. Prayer. The greatest secret weapon that the majority knows about but rarely uses. So yeah, without question, I pray because I want Him to see that I'm front and center. This way, He doesn't have to go searching for me cause I'm right there.

I like

2010-07-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

I figured, since I have a list of I don'ts, why not have a list of things I like. As Bobby Brown, the king of R&B, said, "It's my prerogative."

1. I like chocolate. No need to elaborate.

2. I like intelligence. Actually, I love it. It's the biggest turn on. There's nothing sexier than talking with someone and he can speak on matters that are going on today, that are relevant and has knowledge of the most random things, like the study of mollusks.

3. I like funny. I love to laugh. Don't give me a box of candy, Godiva, or flowers, red, pink or burgundy carnations. Just make me laugh so hard that I cry.

4. I like watching the Food Network and the new Cooking Channel. There's just something about food, in whatever capacity, that evokes a certain feeling, emotion or memory. I can eat.

5. I like to be adventurous, where it counts. I like to explore, go off the beaten path once in a while. I've been planning my dream trip, a drive to San Francisco for the weekend, where I'd explore the city and the food, go to it's Chinatown and sample all kinds of Dim Sum, for example.

6. I like honesty. It's a difficult trait to have and I admire those that can pull it off.

7. I like me. Plain and simple, warts and all. I like how, with age, I'm developing, like a good wine. Cheesy though it may be, but I'm starting to understand what I've heard women older than me say. Being in my 30's is considerably better and easier than being in my 20's ever was. I'm starting to come into my own, gaining a greater sense of self and not really giving a shit about what other's think, to a certain point. lol.

8. I like the idea of romance. It never gets old. I was reading Musco's blog and he's quite romantic. The girl he's with is quite lucky. Can't wait for my own "loml" to come into the picture.

9. I like my family. In fact, I love my family, my mom, my sister, my two brothers and my son. We've been through so much and the things we've overcome has strengthened our bond.

10. Most importantly, I like my Father. I love my Father, the Lord Almighty. He has seen me through some of the toughest things any human has had to face and He continues to guide me and helps me grow.

K POP

2010-07-01T00:19:00.000-07:00

What, pray tell, does K POP stand for? Korean pop music, of course. I've become addicted to this group, Brown Eyed Girl and their song Abracadabra.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BktWxA5W09A.

I'm addicted to Youtube. If it's not google, it's Youtube. Anyway, I was on the page of a Canadian couple I subscribe to and they were doing a round up of their fav K Pop songs of 2009 and this song was their #1. I was hooked. I've always loved music, all kinds of music. I don't limit myself to a particular genre because of the color of my skin. How boring would that be? That's like me only allowing myself to only eat one particular item in a big ass buffet. I love all types of music. I've loved pop, rap, and r&b. One year, when I was 17, I only allowed myself to listen to K Earth 101, the oldies station out here and nothing else. I was so into oldies back then that for my birthday, one of my friends bought me an Aretha Franklin CD with all her greatest songs. I loved that CD. Things took a change after the big earthquake of 94. It was a day or two after and I was so terrified I couldn't sleep. Our mom had bought each of us mini radios and because I couldn't sleep, I put in my earplugs and was searching for a station that would play a song I liked enough to help me relax and go to sleep. I was nearing the end of the stations when I heard a guy blaring out "Rape me." Needless to say, I was shocked and changed the station. I went back to see where the song had come from and it turned out to be Love Line, a popular late night radio talk show where people could talk about pretty much whatever they wanted to talk about. I listened to the many calls from people just as freaked out as I was and I felt a sense of peace or calm, because I wasn't alone. I was finally able to fall asleep. I woke up the next day, determined to find out the call letters/numbers of the station so that I could plug it into my car. The station was KROQ, 106.7. Listening to that station introduced me to rock music, in the truest sense. I'd never listened to that kind of music before. I was listening to groups like Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots, REM, Candlebox, Toad the Wet Sprocket, just to name a few. Through this station, I was part of the grunge era, flannel shirts, combat boots and all, much to my mom's great dislike. My taste in music is definitely varied. I love all kinds of music from old standards, to Naija jams, to classical, jazz, even some country (but if it gets too country, I tune out). I've passed that love of music to the Munchkin. So much so, that my kid can rock out to a rock band like Disturbed and get so happy when he hears Timaya or Psquare.

Absolute randomness

2010-06-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, in front of my computer, searching the web for whatever. Right now, I'm googling how to make homemade potato chips. I've found that I cook a lot more, especially now that Munchkin is home for the summer. I don't like buying him food from outside, but sometimes it's unavoidable, especially when I'm so tired cause of the Nursing program. But now that we're both on vacay, I cook wayyyy more than I used to. I've perfected my stew-making abilities. I've improvised too in my quest to make chinese food for him. He looooovvvveeesss chow mein noodles but being a broke nursing student is no fun, so I had an idea to make "chinese" noodles with spaghetti. I had left over chicken and veggies from the stir fry I made a week ago and cooked some spaghetti. I mixed the two together and added some stir fry sauce (first time using the stuff) and presto, magico, chinese noodles were born and munchkin fell in love. The kid devoured the stuff and I was pleased (insert big smile). And for lunch today, he had a homemade burger and homemade fries and loved that too, as long as their was A LOT of ketchup. Go figure with the kid and his love of condiments. It started with salad dressing, specifically ranch, and now it's ketchup. Oy! So, now, I'm on the quest to make homemade chips, because the kid can devour a whole bag of Lay's chips, the yellow bag, if left to his own devices. So, off I go, on my quest to make homemade chips. Peace out.

I don't

2010-06-30T01:06:00.000-07:00

My list of I don'ts:

1. I don't know how to ride a bike. Why? I never owned one. I'm 34 years old and I've never owned a bike. Munchkin, who's quite proficient at riding his bike, even does stunts on his bike, placates me and tells me that I'd better get a bike soon and when I do get one, he'll teach me how to ride one. (my head hangs in shame)

2. I don't know how to swim. Why? When I tried to learn, I almost drowned so I figured it just wasn't meant to be. lol. I'll wade in the water, but attempt to swim? Nope.

3. I don't drink. Why? I have no tolerance. I take a sip and my head swims. My former co-workers and I, a bunch of lovely people, predominantly white, went to World on Wheels to roller skate. For whatever reason they decided to go to the bar first, before roller skating. I had a Midori Sour. In a really large glass. I didn't ask for it to be in that glass, that's how they gave it to me. I drank it, I complained it was sour and was told I have to mix it. I did. I took another sip. Took two more sips and everything started getting hazy, really fuzzy. There was a guy I'd had a mad crush on since I started working for that company and I started flirting with him. That is why I don't drink.

4. I don't know how to roller skate. Why? Because when I tried to the first sixty times, I fell every single time and just refused to bother. Then why would I go roller skating with my co-workers? Because we were really close friends and we hung out once a week, away from work, and it was one of the things that we'd decided to do.

5. I don't smoke. Why? It stinks and it's a nasty habit. I won't lie and say I haven't tried it, I have. I've smoked cigars, with my son's father and cigarettes, when I was about 19. The reason why it never took off, the cigarettes, was because when my uncle found out I was smoking or had attempted to smoke, he made me smoke in front of him, "to make sure I was doing it right", he said. After I demonstrated my technique, he told me I should stop because I didn't do it right and he didn't want me to embarrass myself in public. lol. What a smart man.

6. I don't do drugs, of any kind. Why? Too terrified of losing control. When I was a kid, every week, we'd have a police officer come to our class and school us on the evils of drugs, as part of the D.A.R.E program. I can even remember his name, Officer Honey. lol. We used to make fun of his name, obviously not in his presence. When the day came for him to pay us a visit, Wednesday, we'd all say, "Officer Honey", real sweet, like a woman would say a man's name, real sexy like. We were in the 6th grade, what did you expect? lmao.

7. I don't have anymore I don'ts. Why? Cause I've pretty much done it all. lmao. Tootles.

2010-06-29T01:28:00.001-07:00

I freaked out today. Why? I realized I have a crush on someone I don't even know, someone I've never met, who I'll never meet. How bizarre. I finally had to admit it today that I liked him from the moment I read his words. He intrigued me and the more I read his stuff, the more I liked what I read and the more curious I was about the person behind the words. He writes like I talk. Through his words, I see him as charming, witty, intelligent, self deprecating, sincere, wildly funny, I can't seem to find any more adjectives to describe him. Today, I came to terms with the fact that I'm attracted to him, someone I don't really know, someone I'll never really know. I started reading his archival pieces and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped midway through his second archival piece because the feeling of like was too overwhelming. I haven't been to his blog since. I'll go back and finish reading so that I can be up to date with his current stuff, but I just needed to come to terms with my feelings and figure out what to do with them. In the past, I'd make it a point to flirt incessantly and indirectly let him know that I liked him, but now, I don't do such things. I've undergone a transformation and I like it. I'm still getting used to the new me and I want this new me to stay. But back to the bloke I have the hots for, yeah, like I said, that's not going anywhere and I'm fine with that, but it's nice to know that I can have those feelings and not lose myself over it.

1st Grade

2010-06-28T10:41:00.001-07:00

I'm getting the Munchkin ready for 1st grade. He turned 6 in May so I bought him two books, both to get him ready for the 1st grade with math and phonics. We're steadily working on both and it's exciting.

I think it was the last day of kindergarten and he asked me if 1st grade was hard. I told him it wasn't. In fact, I told him it was so much fun. He looked at me like, sure, yeah right. He told me that one of his friend's older sister, who is 7, told them that 1st grade was hard. I told him that it all depended on how you go into it. If you go into it thinking it's hard, it'll be hard, but, if you go into it thinking it'll be easy, it'll be easy. After much thought, he said, " I believe YOU mommy cause you're older than my friend's sister." BIG SMILE ON MY FACE.

So, we're getting ready. It's amazing that even though this is the 1st grade, it's the starting point, really, for my son's academic career. I want to start him off on the right foot. So, during his summer break, we spend time going over his lessons. We just finished and the thought for this post came to my mind. I was looking through the book and it starts off with kindergarten review material then, progresses to the more challenging stuff. Even I'm excited. It's like I get to go through the whole process all over again.

I think my son has taken after me in that he loves math. I LOVE math. If I could marry math, I would. Math has so many complexities but when it's boiled down, it's so simple. And I think my son has found that same love with math. YAY! But, I want him to be good at reading and grammar as well. Wow, such new ground that we're exploring. We'll see where the adventure takes us.

Priorities

2010-06-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

My sister and I were supposed to go to a party tonight. When she first told me about it, about a week ago, I was gung ho! about it. Then a couple days ago, I decided I really didn't want to go. Sure, I love the opportunity to get dressed up and do my hair, slather on my makeup and accessorize till the cows come home, but for whatever reason, I just wasn't feeling it. I guess it's cause the person throwing the party or the venue of the party wasn't that exciting or maybe, my reasons for going to parties is no longer valid. In the past, I would go to parties to get noticed by some lovely bloke and have someone to be with, preferably someone nice. But coming to the realization that I haven't really found quality men, for a while now, the thrill of going out is fizzling. I went to a wake keeping with my mom last Saturday and it was interesting. I was holed up in a corner, playing KA-GLOM on my blackberry. How fun! My mom had a better time than me. lol. But, yeah, I'm over it. I'm over seeing the same ole guys and hearing the same ole spiel. I mentioned not meeting quality men for a while and it's true. The last quality guy I met was in 2000. Such a lovely fellow and not my son's father. This guy was just a lovely soul. He's 6'4, lean, light. His body is better than the statue of David. I mean, damn, this dude was an Adonis. Why are we not together? I fucked up. I was a total B-I-T-C-H with all my stoopid (yes, i spelled stupid stoopid) drama. Even despite all my trouble, he put up with me. He would get off work late and come to my house every night, just to see how I was doing and mind you, I was living at home at the time. He would be so exhausted, I'd beg him to sleep on the couch, even my mom would beg him, but he'd decline and drive home. He just wanted to see me, me!, before he went home. So, yeah, haven't met a quality dude in ten years. How sad. But the upside is that I've finally come to terms that just because a guy pays me attention, doesn't mean that I should just swoon and give in to him. HELL NO! So, yeah, unless it's the party of the century, where I'm guaranteed that they'll play music that will keep me on the dance floor all night and I will have the time of my life, I'm not going.

Quirks

2010-06-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make: I'm prejudiced.

There, I've said it. Should I feel ashamed? I don't know. You tell me. Wanna hear about, well, here it goes...

I have these likes, mainly dislikes, when I spot someone. I'm an observer. I love to just blend in the background and watch what's going on in front of me. I sometimes border on staring and when I get caught, sometimes I'll look away quickly and pretend as if I hadn't seen them or sometimes, I may look at them and smile.

So, what am I prejudiced about? It's not what you think. I'm not prejudiced against anyone for their skin color, their sexual orientation, their religious beliefs, or anything that's really significant. OH NO! It'll be easier if I just list them and (hopefully) be able to explain why I'm prejudiced about the things I'm prejudiced about.

1. I don't like fat earlobes. Laugh all you want, but there's something about fat earlobes that turn me off completely. There's nothing sexy about them. I have a nickname for them, Buddha ears. That's all I see, Buddha, when I see fat earlobes.

2. I don't like fat guys. Fat guys turn me off. As soon as I see one, I imagine him naked and it's not a pretty picture. I don't want to see a fat man naked.

3. I don't like guys who wear rings on their middle finger. The rule of thumb (and what I learned from my uncle who is a fashion guru) is that only bush guys wear their rings on their middle fingers. A guy is only allowed to wear his ring on his pinky or ring fingers, that's it. Same rules apply to rings on thumbs and you cannot wear your rings on both the pinky and ring finger on the same hand. So gauche.

4. I don't like guys who don't have good diction. Such a turn off having a conversation with a guy who can't speak well. As I've posted before (before I became celibate), I could lose my draws/knickers/panties just on some good conversation.

5. I don't like guys who curse profusely. Once in a while and not really around me but if every other word is a curse word, "Wow, that s*&t was f&*king hard.", then I tune out.

6. I don't like guys with K-leg. Sorry. Again, my uncle's influence. I come from a family where we're all bow-legged and my uncle used to make a HUGE deal whenever he saw anyone with a K-leg, let alone guys. I got the dislike through osmosis.

7. I don't like guys who smoke. Smells awful. YUCK!

8. I don't like guys that drink excessively. I don't drink. I have no tolerance for alcohol. Literally, I take a sip, I'm already dizzy, that's how bad it is. I don't like guys who treat booze like water. That's all they drink. If a guy has to drink, drink in moderation but not drinking at all is far more preferable.

9. I don't like guys whose butts are bigger than mine, and I have a big ass. I dated a dude, was engaged to him (before I met my son's father) whose ass was WAY bigger than mine. A total shocker. Needless to say, it didn't work out. To this day, when I see a dude with a fat ass, I run the other way.

10. I don't like guys that just push up on me on the dance floor. I remember a party we went to last year and I finally heard my fav song at the time JESSY MATADOR DECALE GWADA. I was so stoked and was getting my groove on when this dude just jumped in from behind and started dancing with me and messed up my flow. I was not happy.

11. I don't like guys that have that piece of hair under their bottom lip. Look, either have a full on beard, mustache, or facial hair. Don't have THAT! I'll cut it off if I can, shave it off while he's sleeping. (insert evil laugh)

That's all I could think of. I know it all sounds retarded. I know this. But, this is me and my quirks. I'm sure I'm on someone's list for people who don't like the oddest things. lol. Take care.

Silver and Gold?

2010-06-21T20:00:00.001-07:00

Which is better, being pampered with material goods or pampered with tenderness and kindness? I thought of this when I was talking about character in my last post. Which would make me happiest? A man with money, who can spoil me, give me all I want and nothing else? or a man, without money, who takes care of me? At this point, I'd take the latter. I had the former.

I was married to a guy who had money, who bought me cars, jewels, gave me pretty much whatever I wanted, but was a cruel son of a bitch. He reached levels of cruelty I never knew existed. Even as we were divorcing, he butchered my name in the Nigerian community and painted me as this vile person. Even people who knew my family since we were little, some who even went to school with my mom, were looking at me askance. The bastard even tried to take my kid from me, but the Lord gave me victory and allowed me to prevail. So yeah, I've had the money and all that, but I'd rather have a man who doesn't have a whole lot of material wealth, but has goals and is doing what he needs to do to meet those goals, who lavishes me with love, tenderness, respect, and peace. That I find more valuable than silver and gold.

I won't say I was a gold digger, but I wanted a particular life and knew I didn't want to settle for less. My son's father, (I can't even bear to call him my ex husband) was well connected here in America and had connections in Nigeria. He was friends with powerful people and I found that exciting. He was powerful, charming, so engaging, a total extrovert. He was the complete opposite of me. Rarely did I go out. I pretty much was a homebody. But after meeting him, he took me to places I'd never been to. We went shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. We ate at the best restaurants in L.A. He drove ridiculous cars (Bentleys, BMWs, Jaguars). I was completely swept off my feet. Like I said, he was a total charmer.

I wondered why he would be interested in someone like me. I was a wall flower, shy, quiet. He could've had his pick of so many women, but he chose me. I was flattered and totally impressed by him. In hindsight, there were red flags, like he had a temper, but I overlooked that because he never displayed that behaviour towards me. He was generous to a fault. Our engagement happened so quickly. We were engaged a month after we started dating. We first spoke July 30th, started dating August 26th or 27th, were engaged in September. We did our wine carrying on Jan 3rd of the following year and had a big blow out white wedding in Nov. It was truly a whirlwind. I enjoyed it all, till the facade came crashing down. He started to abuse me verbally, questioning my intelligence. I'm pretty smart, not to toot my own horn, but I'm well read. When we'd have conversations, I'd use big words and he would ask me if I knew what the word meant. I'd tell him, yes, I knew. I wouldn't use it if I didn't know. It went on from there to physical abuse. After two years of marriage, I left. I left our mini mansion and moved into a studio apartment in Korea town. Huge difference let me tell you (lol). I filed for divorce and that was five years ago.

Right now, if I were given the option of money or respect, I'd choose respect. If I were given the option of wealth or peace, I'd choose peace. Money doesn't buy respect nor does it buy peace. It's unfortunate I had to learn the hard way, but I'm glad I learned. So now, what I look for in a person isn't what they can give me, materially, but what they possess in character. That has more value than silver and gold.

Ideal Mate

2010-06-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

We all have it, the image in our heads of what our ideal mate is. I've had so many that I can't even keep count. It changes from a light-skinned brother with blue eyes to a dark/brown-skinned brother. The constants are that he has to be Nigerian, specifically Igbo, preferably from Anambra State, like me and he has to be tall, above 6'2, I'm 5'11 and have a great character, morals, ethics, personality.

Yesterday, it was this light-skinned dude with blue eyes that had me at hello (I was watching a movie and that's where I spotted him.) Today, it's a dark-skinned brother from the L word. Funny thing is that I'm more captivated by the dark-skinned brother and can actually visualize myself with him, if there was such a guy in real life. His physicality pleases me a great deal. He's tall, very attractive, but in a rugged sort of way, not a pretty boy. He's not overly muscular but he's certainly not fat. He's just right and I think that's what I find appealing about him. He's just right.

In the past, after spotting such a fellow, I would have it in my head to start searching for someone like him. That is the past. Today, this present, I leave it in God's hand. I'm am not the author of my fate, God is. I don't know what's going to take place tomorrow, let alone the next millisecond, but God does, so who better to leave my request with?

As I said, my outward ideal changes, but what remains constant is the character of the person.

Baby-cakes

2010-06-17T02:59:00.001-07:00

The title for this puff piece is the one of the nicknames I call my six year old son.

The first time I called him baby-cakes, he didn't say a word. He came when I called him, but he didn't say whether he liked it or not. Mindless of whether he liked it or not, I continued to call him baby-cakes. This past Sunday, while leaving church and walking to my car, he asked me why I hadn't called him baby-cakes in a while. Too cute. I told him there wasn't any reason and I'd continue calling him baby-cakes, he smiled and said, "ok." Mind you, this is the same kid that had the nickname bunny, thanks to my sister, and he went nuts. He was around three at the time, but he'd had the nickname since he was one. He vehemently opposed bunny and said he looked nothing like a rabbit and could we please stop calling him bunny. LMAO. We did, but it was so hard because that's what we'd been calling him for ages. So, bunny was dropped. It took me a year to even attempt to give him another nickname. I started calling him munchkin from out of nowhere and he liked it. He answered when I called him munchkin and we just went with it. It's gotten so bad now that I've almost forgotten he has a real name. lol. So, after munchkin, I started calling him baby-cakes. Baby-cakes came from nowhere, just some random name I thought up and he liked it. So, right now anyway, I'm calling my kid munchkin and baby-cakes. I'm taking full advantage of this time because he's getting ready to start the first grade and things could go downhill. When I pick him up from kindergarten, he hugs me in front of his classmates and I get kisses too, (yay!). From moms I've spoken to, they say that this is usually the age where they stop showing any affection in public and that would suck royally. But for the time being, my munchkin sees no problems in kissing and hugging his mommy in public and neither do I. (MASSIVE SMILE ON MY FACE RIGHT NOW.)

Diction

2010-06-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have this thing with the way people speak. It started when I was in the 6th grade. I had this teacher, loved her. Her name was Ms. Shumate. She's African-american. She had such lovely diction. I went to a public school out in the valley, Granada Hills to be exact, a predominantly white school. It had a smattering of minorities. Back to Ms. Shumate. She had a tendency to correct any kid, namely the black kids, who didn't speak well. There was one girl in particular, her name was Bridgett. She was born in Los Angeles, but she sounded like she came from the deep south. When she said "oil", it sounded like "all." Instead of saying, "I'm about to...", she'd say, "I fina..." Instead of saying, "I won't...", she'd say, "I ain't..." Ms. Shumate made it her duty to teach Bridgett and all the rest of us black kids how to have proper diction. Trust me, she didn't have to do any work on me because the embarrassment that Bridgett endured everyday was more than enough to make sure I sounded as a proper young lady should.

All the background info is leading somewhere, just CTFO (CHILL THE FUCK OUT), just made that up, yupper, I feel really special.

Back to my point. Now, in my adulthood, I have a thing for diction. I love a well spoken individual and would rather engage in conversation with someone that's well spoken than someone who isn't. I work with a team of predominantly black individuals who didn't grow up or attend school in the valley so their way of speaking is a complete 180 from mine. It's funny how I always get the same reaction when I speak. They look at me like an alien (which I am) from another planet (Nigeria). Also, thanks to Ms. Shumate, I also have an aversion to certain words. When someone says "ain't", it's like nails down a chalkboard to me, like superman and kryptonite. The same can be said about "fina."

I just wanted to put this thought down because it's something that I've always wondered about. I honestly thank my mom for the foresight she had to send us to the school she sent us to and not the typically predominantly black schools that were around. Imagine me sounding like Shaneequa from around the way. That would so not be cute, like no way. So now, I have what's called "valley speak." It's a bit toned down from when I was a little kid who said "like" after every other word. Whose favorite phrases where "gnarly", "tubular", "rad." lol. Although those words are no longer part of my vocabulary, I'm still known to say dude and awesome (My bestfriend D hates when I say awesome, so I make it a point to say it around him as much as I can.) Anyhoo that's my random thought for today. Take care.

It's just sex, right?

2010-06-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the L word. I love this show. Funny thing is that when it first came out, I refused to watch it because it made me uncomfortable. So, the show ends and I now have Netflix. I started watching it, out of curiosity, truth be told I was horny as hell and wanted to get off (masturbate). I absolutely love this show. So, it leads to what I want to ask. Sex, hetero or homo sexual, it's just sex, right? The reason why I ask is because watching this show begs the question about sex in monogamous relationships and casual sex. When you're with someone and you're with them, sex is involved. When you're out of a relationship and need physical release, sex is involved. So, how sacred is it? Back in the day, sex used to be the equivalent of the gift you found at the bottom of the crackerjack box. It used to be something to look forward to, but now it feels like it's obligatory. I think that's why I'm celibate. I'm reevaluating what place sex holds in my life. I used to view sex as a means to an end. I went through stages where sex was an expression of whether someone cared for me and vice versa. Another stage where it was a form of empowerment, meaning that I would have sex when I wanted to with whoever I wanted. I had my moments where I had a go to guy for those moments of feeling lonely and just needed a dick. It wasn't a relationship, it was convenience. But now, I'm past all that. I'm celibate. I'm at a place where I treasure it and want to share it with someone who means so much to me. I don't want just a casual experience anymore. I want fulfillment, if that even makes sense. I want to be able to connect with someone on a deeper level, spiritual even with sex. In a nutshell, I'm waiting till I remarry to engage in sex. Won't even do it when I meet this person and we're dating. I want it to be something to look forward to again.

How Bizarre

2010-06-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Bear with me, I'm translating HOW BIZARRE in different languages. Trust me, there's a point to this madness. What I have to say (write) warrants the notion that it's so bizarre.

How Bizarre (English, obviously)
Come Bizzarro (Italian)
Comment bizarre (french)
Wie bizarre (German)
Como bizarro (Portuguese)
¿Cómo extraño? (Spanish)

Right then. Now that that's out of my system, down to the nitty gritty.

My ex-boyfriend sent me a text on 06/08/10, at 9:18am, saying, "just sending you a good morning. I hope and pray that all is well with you." You may ask, what's so strange in that? Well my dear, let me tell you.

Quick Recap: the last time I communicated with my ex boyfriend was the day we were supposed to go out. We'd agreed on a time and what entailed with hanging with one's SO. Things didn't work out that way. He stood me up. He never called, never let me know what the deal was. For all I know he could have been dead. I called him pretty much every half hour, both house and cell phone, and he never answered. This was a Monday. I received no communication on Tuesday. I received one text, which I ignored, on Wednesday asking what was going on. Yup. That's all I got and that's the end of the recap. End scene.

Fast forward to 6/08/10, when I received the above text. I was curious mind you because as I said, I had no idea what had happened to him. I responded and asked him what had happened. He told me that he had been stranded. His car went kaput and he had to walk home. He even told me that his cell phone had died (AMAZING). He TOLD me he had to walk home (several blocks) and he finally made it home. After saying ndo, pele, sorry ooo, I asked him why he didn't call. That's when I got the "my cellphone died" spiel. I asked him then, when he got home, why he didn't call. He said he was angry about his car dying and he was so stressed out. I then responded with how he should have called at least and let me know what the deal was, still he clung to that excuse. He simply said that it was late that night and he was upset. I stated to him that at some point, he would've gotten the messages and at least should have called me back, but he said that he thought I would be upset with him. He then asked me, "are we cool?" I said, "we're cool. I think we'll always be friends. So no worries mate, we're friends." He then said, "OK, friends." He then went on to ask me if I was seeing anyone and I responded that I wasn't, that I was in fact celibate. I asked him the same and he said no.

Long story short, he wanted me to send him sexy pics like I used to. I told him no, that as his friend, that was verboten. He went on to clarify our situation by saying that TECHNICALLY we hadn't broken up. I told him that the rules of dating state that once there's been a lapse in communication for an unspecified amount of time, then the relationship is over by default. He then asked me point blank if I still wanted to be with him and I told him no.

What did I gain from this interaction? Well, for one, I finally have the closure I didn't think I'd need. And two, this is the person he is and it took this final situ with him to allow me to finally see that and know that as much as we had history and I thought that we'd end up together, there's a difference between fantasy (my idea of what really is) and reality (what's really before me). And also, I feel as if I've unloaded this heavy chain that was around my neck. Never noticed it before till it was gone. Cool. Too bad my weight can't disappear just as quickly.

Till next time. Take care.

Anonymity

2010-06-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

I put my picture up. Why? Just to do it. To give me a face. But in doing so, I've lost my sense of anonymity. Without my picture being up here, I could freely write about whatever was on my mind. But now, I'm feeling censured because whilst before I put my picture up, I didn't have to worry about who read my blog because they couldn't put a picture with a face. But now, I don't feel like I can write freely anymore. Why? Because I have not fully let out all that lies in my head. I'm not keeping anything back purposely, but the reason for this blog was to put down the thoughts in my head when they came into my head. I'll take the picture down because I just don't feel comfortable. I don't want to feel limited and having my picture up will limit me.

2010-05-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm writing again and let me just say: that shit is hard.

That being said, I realize I don't have the discipline to do it. I'll still get this story out and another one I just started, sort of an autobiography, but it's hard. It's different this time around because I don't have any blocks. As soon as I get my lazy ass to write, the story starts pouring out.

I'd like to publish, but then again, who would like to read it? I know, I know, it doesn't really matter what anyone says but is that true? How come when we receive praise, we're so happy and hang on every word but when we receive negative feedback, we say that they don't know what they're talking about, what they say doesn't matter? Go figure.

I think that's more of what I'm afraid of, the negative feedback. I've never written anything other than papers for school assignments and that was eons ago. And then, I hated it because it was such a chore, but now, I have these thoughts in my head that I feel needs to be put on paper.

I remember two people I showed my first piece to. One, a published, well respected author, the other my sister (political science major who ultimately became a lawyer). I showed them both just one page, that was all I'd had written at the time.
The author was amazed and asked where was the rest. He said that he was looking for more and wanted more. My sister told me she didn't like it and that I should just stick to what I knew best because I wasn't an English major and it wasn't very good. Hmmm...

Who knows. I just want to get to the point of being done and what will I do with it after that? The truth is, I want to publish. Gad zooks!

In love with being in love

2010-05-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason, this saying has been on my mind. I first heard it from a friend of mine when we were sophomores in high school. It was after school, and we were waiting in front of school for our respective rides. She was telling me about the dude she was dating. They'd been together, off and on, for a couple years and she wondered if she was really in love with him or in love with the idea of being in love. Honestly, I didn't understand the concept. I'd always thought that when you fell in love, you knew it. At least that's what the romance novels said (lol)). Fast forward to this time and I'm contemplating that idea. Was I in love with the person or was I in love with the idea of being in love? Mind you, I'm not saying relating my most recent ex that I was in love with the idea of being in love. I was in love with him. My perception of being in love is loving the whole person, not your idea of them. I loved him entirely. The thing about love, I've found, is that love is forgiving with faults. None of us are perfect. We all have quirks that may drive one person to the point of going in sane and another may find endearing. With him, yeah, he did things and there were things about him that weren't perfect but he was such a lovely soul. I saw him as the most amazing, loving, wonderful man I'd ever met. He saw the best in me. He praised my intelligence and told me that I made him really look at things from a different perspective. He loved to talk to me and share his thoughts with me and get my input in so many matters. Who knows why our relationship ended. It just goes to show that nothing lasts forever, not even love. Love is fragile. There are some that say that love gets stronger with the test of time. I wonder if that's really true. Maybe for some but for the most part, I think it depends on the individuals and how deeply committed they are to one another.

Before we get involved with someone, we have an idea of the kind of person we want to end up with and when we hook up with someone, they either fit some of the parameters set up in our minds or we forgo the ideas we had and deal with the person we're with. The greatest thing I heard somewhere was that we know ourselves pretty well and the trouble with relationships is dealing with another person and them dealing with you. Again, I believe that the sustainability of love depends on the individuals and how much they're willing to put up with.

Love is one of those great mysteries. No one has the definite answer, we're all just trying to figure it out and still we don't really know it. But that's not to say that we can't be happy with what we perceive love to be. I think that the measure of happiness with love is when you find someone who intrinsically feels about love the way you do.

It's over nowwwww...

2010-05-25T23:46:00.001-07:00

Yupper. I am officially single. Weird. Really weird. Goes a little something like this...

Last Tuesday, May 18th, my boyfriend and I had plans to hang out, outside of his place. I was so looking forward to it too. Earlier in the day, we kept touch by text, just checking on each other, seeing how the other was doing, that sort of thing. The last time we communicated was around early on in the afternoon. I called him when I knew he'd be off work, after 4:30pm, to find out if he'd gotten home to feed and walk his dog to figure out how much time I'd need to get ready. I called his cell, no answer. I called his house, no answer. I waited 30mins and again called his cell and home, no answer. I waited an hour, called both cell and house, this time leaving messages. I waited for a call, a text, something. I got nothing. Next day, no communication. Day after, he sends me a text asking how I'm doing, I don't respond and we haven't communicated, in any way, since. Good riddance I say.

I thought I'd be super crushed, but no. Not crushed. Confused, yes. Crushed, no. C'est la vie. It's so bizarre how relationships end. There are a myriad of ways relationships end and I'm sure that there are stories that would make me laugh, cry or make my hair stand on end.

Funny enough, I'm good. I'm not looking to jump into another relationship anytime soon. I'm not soured on being in another relationship, I'm in fact looking forward to being in another one, but I'm at the point where I want to be with someone that I'm going to marry. I know, how will I know if I don't date, right? But, I'm just cool right now and know that it's not necessary for me to be with another person so I don't feel alone.